Dedicated to preserving the long lost art of body modification in housepets. |
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Dedicated to preserving the long lost art of body modification in housepets. |
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Q While vacationing in Tibet earlier this year, I saw many bonsai kitties for
the first time. I was so charmed by the little rhombuses and oblate
spheroids playing in the town squares, and I wondered why we did not know
about this in America. Then, while visiting the ancient Mount Yarlha
Shampo, we met a monk who was a practitioner of Bonism, the native religion
of Tibet. He had the most amazing bonsai kitty I have ever seen, a Mobius
cat, black on one side and white on the other, and it was impossible to tell
where each started and ended. The cat, like the monk, was quite old, and I
was sorrowed to think about the lifetime of expertise that would be lost
when this old master passed away. I would like to thank you for all your
obvious hard work in refining and modernizing this ancient Eastern art,
creating some much-needed standardization, and making it convenient for
Westerners to be able to enjoy the unique, beautiful and often hilarious
aspects of bonsai kitty ownership.
P.S. Have you thought about molding kitties into wearable shapes? This
could create a fashion tidal wave!
A Thank you for your personal reflections. We have not created any Bonsai Kittens specifically as clothing accessories as yet, but with the way business is booming it can't be far off.
Q I have two full-grown cats whose size I would like to reduce for several reasons. Do you sell any products which I could use to shink them to kittens' proportions? Any help you could offer would be greatly appreciated.
A Unfortunately, once a cat is fully grown it is much too late and will never be a cute little kitten size again. That is why it is important to start early. If you want them to get just a little bit smaller, you could try feeding them less.
Q Following your explicit instructions, we created our bonsai kitty in Montana. Everything worked so well, especially the, er, rear compartment. However,now that we have moved to Tierra del Fuego, where the the water goes the other way....well, you can see our problem. Thoughts?
A There should be no problems due to coriolis issues in a Bonsai Kitten, however you may want to be sure to dust the vent areas with an appropriate anti-fungal powder to prevent ingress of tropical fungal infection.
Q St John's College, Cambridge, England. 16th January 2001 Love the site, love the concept. Unfortunately, as you may be aware, Oxford and Cambridge colleges ban the keeping of cats, dogs and the like. However, in the past individuals such as Lord Byron have been able to satisfy their desire for companionship in other ways. Do you think it would be possible to practise Bonsai upon a bear? Your obedient bonsai-o-phile.
Q I love the BonsaiKitten. What a wonderful idea! I was wondering.....I have a new baby horse named Richard. I want to put some item on his penis to culture it into a more desirable shape. I am thinking about some conic shape. Do you think that a vase of the appropriate size and shape would work? Please respond, I can't wait to get started.
Q I was wondering how to use this procedure on cows. I am a farmer and I would like to modify my cow to be more streamlined, and possibly to have udders with finger imprints on it for easier milking. I look forward to your response!
Q Are you sure it would not be possible to make a bonsai gerbil or mouse? They are very squishy, as is demonstrated by their ability to squeeze under doors. A bonsai gerbil would be perfect for my very small apartment here in New York and would require less upkeep than a kitten i beleive. He could be placed in a bonsai garden of sorts, enclosed with greenery in a glass cage. I am afraid that becuase of its size and my very busy lifestyle I could not accomodate a bonsai kitten. On the otherhand, a bonsai gerbil would make the perect addition to my abode.
A See our previous answers in the main section of the guestbook under "Improper Animals".
Q Dear sir/madam, My heart is warmed to think that our american cousins have taken to the noble art of cat sculpture. Here in England we have been practicing this glorious art form since the victorian era. I am writing to offer some tips, the thing is i belive that cat sculpture should be accesable to everyone, and that should include the working classes. What you may or may not realise is that a lot of these peasants simply cannot afford luxury items like plastic and glass jars to stuff there cats into. Another inexpensive way of bending a cats bones is to simply take hold of it while still a very young defenseless kitten, and give it a bloody good thrashing with a cricket bat until it is bent to your will. I understand that you american savages do not play cricket, so you may substitute a cricket bat for a rounders or should i say baseball bat. You will find it very rewarding and inexpensive. Yours respectfully Sir Phillip Lung.
A The practicality of the English!
Q Dear bonsai kitty folk, The idea of joining older cats together to form new geometric patterns is not at all novel. In fact, it was the subject of the poet Goethe's thesis grant, Die Katzenjammerslicerundspreadenallarounder. I Have found this method to be an excellent way of providing diversion for my mobility impaired bonsai kittens, as I have joined older cats into "O-ring" type formations, and slid the new formations over the blades of a ceiling fan. By varying the fan's rotational speed, the "Loopies" (as I affectionatly refer to them) can be moved from the innermost areas of the fan blades to the outermost. However, before attempting this, one MUST determine the maximum width of the outside edge of the fan blade, and use a "Looper" with an opening at least .3 cm smaller. Failure to do this can, in some cases, result in a "Looper" being propelled across the room at a significant velocity. Of course, this results in a disturbingly unbalanced ceiling fan. The characteristic and chaotic resultant WACKA WACKE WACKIO sound is highly disruptive to a bonsai kitten's developing nervous system, and can produce a pseudo fur-ball syndrome.
A I think your idea is great! We may try it in our lab where we have an exceptionally large ceiling fan to keep the kittens at an even temperature.
Q Waste Removal. I am not sure how to complete this step. I have the jar, kitty (mamma just had her 3rd litter) sedative, feeding tube and a predrilled hole in the jar. I am just not to sure about the waste removal tube etc. If i use the super glue wont the feces back up into the kitten and kill it. I dont want it dead. i want it to look COOL!! Please email me soon. The kittens still have there eyes closed and i want to hurry before they grow to much
A Removal is not a problem when you use the triple-lumen vent tube in conjunction with the special pump listed on our Paraphernalia page.
Q Wong Chang? I am not given to racism. In fact, some of my best friends happen to be Chinese. But if you are responsible for the bonsaikitten website, then you are a fucking yellow-belly chink. My next trip to the United States, I may pay you a visit, wherever you are.
Q I seen your sight, and its a amansing of how money would make people do such evil to animals. I just hope someone will do the same to you. You said that the chinees do this stuff, well they also kill tigers because they use the body parts for magical potions. Aslo the Japs. they have these little trees, use to eat dead marines and P.O.W. during the war, and it wasn't because they were hungry. Yes, so do what these people do, keep the traditions going.
Q FUCK YOU,FUCK YOU,FUCK YOU,FUCK YOU, YOU,FUCK YOU,FUCK YOU,FUCK YOU AND REA- LLY FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EAT SHIT AND DIE,EAT SHIT AND DIE,EAT SHIT AND DIE,EAT SHIT AND DIE,EAT SHIT AND DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU MOTHER FUCKER CHINESE, GO BACK TO YOUR FUCKING COUNTRY
Q Of course, it had to be a fucking chinese, you dicks think that animals are your fucking private drugstores, i came to think that if someone said that if you cut a chinese dick and mix the blood with the sperm is a gret aphrodisiac all you fuckers would buy it.
Q I, as a child, was kept in a fishbowl. ÊThis is really painful. ÊHave you ever tried it you assholes? ÊI think that your website is contributing factor to incidents such as this. ÊYou assholes. ÊAre you in any way allied with, or in, the former Soviet Union, you commie assholes?
Q You crazy dirty fucking wankers sons of a dirty smelly negro bitch in action!!!
Q come on kittens in jars! thats the funniest fuckin thing ive ever heard of.and if it isnt i can see whyÊyou orientals or whatever theÊfuck you are do such tastless destructive things.after all if anybody ever seen the dicks, on these little yellow fuckers! i guess id have an evil streak in meÊtoo,if i were doomed toÊa inferior,third world country,with all that oriental pussy walking around and a dick like a four year old!
Q what the fuck are you piece of shit asian japs doing .. this is sick keep it in your own damn country were you sick fucks eat cats and dogs.. dont bring it over here..If I got a hold of you I would stuff your ass in a jar and make it tight..and as the process of sticking the tube up your ass and supergluing it.. naw forget that ill let you shit on yourself.. stupid wops
Q You remind me of a famous phrase from Charles Darwin in which he said "the more I get to know animals,the more I despise humans".People like you make us feel worse than the worst of beasts.Japanese people are well known for committing all kinds of atrocities against dolphins,whales,tigers,elephants,rhinos etc.and now (innocent and harmless kittens?). How can you sleep at night? Hiroshima and Nagasaki didn't finish the job !!!!
A You are racist pigs. Oink Oink!
Q I've been an avid Bonsai Kitticulturist for sometime. I thought I'd tell you about my greatest creation. I travelled to Venice to have a cat-shaped container blown for me by one of the terrific artisans there (the Venicians do things with glass that make the dreams of kitticulturists come true). Then, I inserted a lovely calico I rescued from the SPCA (it always feels so nice to give those desperate kittens a warm loving home). However, I inserted him backwards. My goal was to create a backwards kitten. Well, it took a while, but one year later he was complete. Some minor tail cropping had to be performed. To complete the illusion, I inserted a nose ring in the kitten and, using a small ratcheted winch, gradually stretched his nose into the hollow tail section of the cat-shaped container. Amazingly, this elongated nose actually seems to be prehensile! Well, you can just imagine the surprise and envy people feel when the meet Tac, the bacwards cat. I am bombarded with questions on how I was able to achieve such a feat. A lot of people who don't look closely think his breath is pretty bad though.
A I always thought the face was overrated. I like tail too.
Q I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE KITTIES, AND YOU ARE VERY CRIMINALS. KITTIES ARE ANIMAL, AND WE MUST RESPECT THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HOPE THAT YOU DON'T SELL KITTIES. I HOPE THAT PEOPLE ARE INTELLIGENT ETC......... I'M ITALIAN. EXCUSEME FOR MY POOR ENGLISH!!!!!!! I HOPE THAT YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY!!!!!
Q dear bastard if you came in Italy to met me I'll breake your head with my shoes! Soon as possible i'll fuck your mother !
Q It is of clear evidence that you are murders, unconscientious people. It is unbelievable that persons like you exist and are allowed to talk. I am sure that you did not realize the content of the information when setting up the website; you were probably under the effect of drugs. For this reason, I am hereby inviting you to immediately close the website warning you that if no step will be taken I will denounce you before the competent Authority. Attorney at law.
Q I'm italian. I'll not spend words unusefully. What you do is horrible. You will undego a Denial of Service as soon as I manage to reach as many friends as I can. And I know many friends of mine who own fibre-channell 10mbits connections under Linux shell. Your site will be down forever.
A Your "English" is charming. Given your command of the language, we wonder how you were able to pick up the subtle nuances conveyed in our site. So many emails from your country! You must have an unnatural connection to your felines.
Q Dear bunch of sick weirdos, I'm writing this to the admin address because I don't want it to be published in that trashcan of your guestbook (any personal reply will be appreciated, though). The fact that some (real or not) dozens of people are writing to you, thanking you for your job and ideas, and appreciating what you do, doesn't necessarily mean you're doing something good. If I'd ever put up a site describing torture methods on human beings, I'd probably get more delighted contacts: this is to say that this world is full of people definitely gone nuts. I wish I lived in NY (or wherever you are) to come there with a couple of friends and do some cleaning-up of your place. It would be nice to throw all your stuff out of the window (hoping you are on a high floor). I hope your site is a joke. I really hope it. I just don't give a fuck about racial questions, you must be asian, so what ? I am not a racist as long as you don't step into my house bringing this kind of "gifts". People in the west side of the world have a different culture, different ideas, different languages and so on: if you want to bottle kittens because it's an "art" in your country, do it *there*. I'm sick of seeing shit like yours on the Internet: my best suggestion, until your site is up and running, is to remove those pictures from the main page (how about an anonymous logo?) putting on a warning about what's inside, with an "I agree" button to access the real thing, just like adult-oriented sites. This will preserve you from further legal actions. That's all about the legal part: on the other hand I would suggest hiding yourself well and installing a couple of strong security locks on your front door, as well as bars on the windows. I won't surely travel thousands of miles to come there and beat the shit out of you, but as I told before, we're living in a world filled with mentally-ill people, and there's always somebody out there ready for you: for each psyco admiring you, there's at least one who'd love to kill you... the more you expose yourself, the higher the risk. Think about it. Please don't publish this email in the guestbook, if you want to answer do it with a private message, and don't send anything to this address which isn't strictly related to it. Any unsolicited message received here will give me the right to ask 150USD as a refund. Sincerely,Greg Lollio, Rome - Italy
A You are a scary man. Our Kittens are quaking in their bottles. One fell on the floor and broke. You are a killer.
Q I can hardly believe people would even want your products, or, for that matter, your service in any way, or even to try these products. I feel sorry for those of you who think of this as entertainment. After all, walnuts are pretty small.
A The best part is, LOTS and LOTS of people want our products! We are laughing all the way to the bank. And our walnuts are bulging!
Q I'm writing you from Spain and I want to know if you could send me your next son or daughter in a bottle of wine (I would say another more original vessel, but my english is not that good). You know, with that boy (or girl) that can't eat or move by himself, with such an original boy, I would be my friend's and neighbour's envy. Every one would want to have your bonsai-children and you'll make more money than now (which is what you really want). Besides having such an original shape, those children would be the happiest children in the world as they are so different and popular (the base of happiness, isn't it?). Well, I think that your descendants are not to be blamed of your mental insanity, so I suggest that you put your prick in a little vessel with the shape of a pig's tail and you would be the "corkscrew man". Don't you like the idea? Is it maybe because you have a brain (a bonsai-brain, may I say) and you can decide if you want to make that? You said you can't do that to a person, but you can bind your child's head to make it look like a cucumber, can't you? So, why don't you do that? Don't you want to be everybody's envy? Don't you want to have a really original child? He/she would be as happy as you say your cats are. Don't you want your children to be happy? I don't mind if you have the appropriate licenses. I don't mind if it's legal. Bullfightings are also legal in my country and I hate them as well as you. Good bye Dr. Mengele. You can post this message in your board or answer me by private mail or throw this to the bin. I don't mind. I just said what I wanted to say.
Q I am a Spanish woman and I think what you are doing with these kitten is a murder... your company is killing hundreds of these animals just to make them "momias". Please, can you explain to me why are you so criminal? Don't you earn your money without damaging animals? I hope your dirty bussines will slump and crash and you received from the society the most cruel discrimination. I am a tolerant person with another cultures and ways of behavior but what you are doing should be prosecute all over the world. Sonia Arse, Madrid, Spain
A Ah, the Spanish. A day of brilliant sunshine.
Q I have found that my adult cat has developed a rubbery enough body texture that he can be molded into just about any shape, provided that the form is large enough for him. Extra-large Danish Butter Cookie tins work quite well, as do large Bundt pans. However, he won't retain his shape after I take him out. Well, I mean he reverts to his original, boring cat shape. Is there a recommended fixative which can be sprayed onto the cat to allow him to retain a fancy molded-in shape? I'm thinking of using one of those big US Map Jello molds, as his Texas is already fairly well formed.
A Please keep us updated on the progress with your adult rubbery cat. We are sorry to inform you that we think that your cat probably has bone cancer. He is in need of a pine box, not fixative.
Q I am so overwhelmed with joy at discovering your relevationary web site. I don't know how to thank you for indeed, you have saved my marriage. My wife has always wanted a cat - a desire to which I have strenuously objected due to deep seated beliefs, and this conflict has obviously put a lot of stain on our marriage. At last we can reconcile our differences - my wifes' desire for a kitty, and my belief that the only good cat is a flat cat. Once again, a very heart-felt thank you.
A Another life touched by the Bonsai!
Q A most unique site - extremely well written, and you are obviously above average in educational levels. Truly creative, although perhaps somewhat warped and perverse. I'm assuming that is the whole point of this exercise, but not quite certain as to what avail. There is also the additional expense of private domain and as there are no advertising banners, cannot see how you could be generating any income from traffic. So my final resolve was that this is the basis for a thesis on mental health. That or you're just a twit with a lot of extra time and cash. Almost broke down and spent the 20 cents a minute to call, but decided I wasn't quite that curious. I am a cat breeder and at least once a year I get a phone call from someone wanting to put on a truly spectacular gourmet meal, and wishes to buy a number of cats for the occassion. Frankly can't see any point in being upset, as it's usually their goal, so I just play the game and we have a lovely chat regarding sauces, stuffings (because not much meat on the young ones), whether it would be advantageous to make them into pies as they would stretch a bit further, and afterall, this would be a pricey meal. Conversations don't usually last too long, as they aren't getting the reaction that they seek and haven't figured out what to do for a follow up. I rather enjoy turning the tables on them. Your URL was posted on one of the "breeder" egroups and forwarded to me from a breeder associate who was quite apalled. I phoned a couple of my other breeder buds and we all had a good chuckle - takes all kinds. So, I hope you're managing to get your rocks off on the reactions after putting in so much time, effort, creative energy and cash. Would also appreciate return post to clarify purpose of site. Thanks PM
A Although some of the responses to the site are obviously penned by loonies, the purpose of the site is certainly not to support a thesis of mental health! We are just simple workers practicing our time-honored craft in the land of opportunity.
Q I wonder what the implications of trying to raise a kitten in a Klein bottle shape would be. It would obviously not quite work in a three-dimensional space like the one we live in, but still, would it be possible to make a projection from a proper four-dimensional Klein kitten? Or would it vanish into nothingness the first time it tries to reach around and lick its back? These are most important considerations for my next bonsai kitten project and your expert advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your concern, X-Palindrome: Step on no pets.
A We realize the problems inherent in sub-dimensional projections w.r.t. the Klein bottle kitty. We beg your indulgence.
Q Please find attached a photo of our little fluffball. After hearing of your revolutionary technique, we invested in the sphere kit, shoved little fluffy in, and 6 weeks later, the result is delightful! Fluffball loves the children, and now she is never left out of their games, frequently participating in rounds of soccer, tennis and baseball. Our other cat, Dermot also loves to play with her, batting her round and round the kitchen (and once losing her behind the couch for two weeks!). Thank you Bonsai Kitten, for enriching our lives with this bouncing bundle of joy!
A Please, when playing soccer with your BK, do not kick too hard!
Q What kind of irresponsible person or people are you to suggest such techniques. We have people killing small children, dismembering them, and cooking them as soup and serving them to neighbors. Maybe Bonsai Kids is next on your schedule.
A I assure you, Bonsai Children are not on OUR schedule! But I warn you, since you say you have people doing illegal and horrid things to your small children (where do you live by the way, so we can send the police to your door), the Bonsai Kitten procedure only works with Felinis Domesticus!
Q I would just like to say that anyone who does not feel that appreciating all that is the bonsai kitten is appropriate, is just ignorant to the beauty that is bonsai. These people who say they are "outraged" are in fact just ignorant, silly, and most likely inbred buffoons. You should be proud of all the work you have done to perfect the art of bonsai and should not pay much , if any attention, at all to the people who are a black plague to this earth and who do not appreciate the artistry that is bonsai.
A Luckily, most of the mail we receive is positive. We like to present both sides however, so we post a lot of the "crank" emails as well.
Q Your technique is quite interesting, if not a bit flawed (concerning sterility issues and low survival rates for rectal reroutees). I used similar techniques in a recently declassified military project, known simply as CATNIPPERS. The project was designed to create a innocuous yet lethal pet assassin. Creation of the "bonsai" cat as you call it was also useful in certain techniques used to produce SHAM rage (i.e. an extremely peeved and violent cat) via lesioning cetain brain sites in the cat. So, after the "bonsai"ing and lobotomy, you would end up with a cutely deformed and dangerous cat. Combined with the genetic mutation clw+/clw-psn (which makes cats' claws succeptible to an extremely virulent form of "Cat Scratch Fever" fungi), you would obviously have a gift fit only for someone you want to die. Unfortunately methods, mutations, fungal strains and brain sites are still classified, so you will be unable to produce your own Kitty Harvey Oswald.
A We always keep our kittens in a sterile environment and keep them heavily medicated to avoid the complications you mention. We do not condone the use of our Bonsai Kittens for warmaking purposes.
Q I have a recipe for a Persian Twist bonsai kitten.
recipe by Alan S. aka the Conspirace
A Thanks for the tip! However we must mention that if your kitten's bones are still rubbery after two months, you should probably be adding more milk to their food slurry. We would recommend growing the kittens separately in twisty tubes having an identical thread pitch, and then screwing them together afterwards when finished.
Q I would just like to take a second to commend you on your marvelous work with the famed "Bonsai Kitten." Your technique and creativity are unmatched even by the masters of old. I also have a question: Would it be possible to order a set of Bonsai Kittens that spelled out a person's name? My wife is having a birthday relatively soon, and I think that it would be the perfect gift for her, the cat lover that she is. Thank you for your help and keep up the good work!
A It would certainly be possible, the success of the project may depend on which font you select for the text, of course.
Q Could you produce a flat or wing shaped kitten suitable for gliding or as a substitute for Frisbees(tm)? I think a kitten in this form would be an ideal gift for a child, being both a companion and a source of healthy exercise. Also, the dual purpose would make the kitten less likely to be discarded or forgotten like so many kittens and Frisbees(tm) sadly are, and surely any kitten would enjoy the fun and attention.
Q Hello, I am interested in purchasing an aerodynamically correct Bonsai Kitty. The idea of a pet mammal, other than a flying squirrel or bat, that could glide due to its body shape intrigues me. May I suggest a LEX Delta wing shape, like the F18 or F22 have. It is an extremely efficient shape, and will work well with a cats natural shape. While I am not certain that the weight to lift ratio will allow it to fly, a cat in the shape of an airplane will be attractive to both children and ex aviators alike, 2 very important markets.
A We have had a lot of interest in Aerokittens, we are sure that a glide-capable model could be created, however we lack the requisite aerodynamic engineering knowledge to be sure to get it right. As I'm sure you understand, with the time and cost that goes into each Bonsai Kitten we can't afford to have too many failed "seconds". Fortunately, business is going so well that we will soon be able to hire a full-time engineer to work on this concept, so please check back with us in a month or two.
Q I am interesting in making my kitten a perfect cube, could you suggest a suitable type of jar to produce the desired effect?
A Cubic containers are relatively easy to find in both glass and plastic, however we are currently out of stock. I suggest checking your local department stores and curio shops. However an even better suggestion might be to grow a bonsai kitten inside the transparent base of one of Apple's Macintosh G4 Cubes! What could be more enjoyable than surfing the internet and growing your new pet with the same attractive piece of hardware?
Q Thank you for taking the time to make you ideas available to the rest of the world, without your site it I may have never found the proper way to mount the chips and controllers necessary for my cybernetic kitty, who like the rest of us is eager to join us in celebrating the fruits of such technological wonders in this new millenium. Your site has saved me some time to say the least. As everyone who tries to mount an integrated flat circuit on a rounded kitty knows there is just no simple solution, and you can forget about keeping their radar signature low. With a rhombus shaped kitty however, chips can be mounted and fused with no chance of seperation of the bio conduit modules. And kitty now can add modules at will due to the proper surfaces, why just the other day I caught kitty playing with one of my old 486 cpus that I had laying around, she had it plugged in backwards and was trying to bite her face, it was a moment to cherish. Once again, thank you.
Q Your website provides invaluable practical information on preserving an artform I had thought long lost, and I am indebted to you. I have a question; if one procures a glass vessel of the desired kitty shape, but the mouth of the container is simply too small to accommodate even the smallest newborn kitten, is it at all possible to utilise the same techniques used for making a 'ship in a bottle', where the individual pieces of the construction are inserted through the narrow neck and assembled in-situ inside the bottle? Perhaps it is possible to insert a live kitty egg and sperm and perform in-vitro fertilization inside the container? Clearly some sort of artificial womb/placenta set-up will be required, but surely in this age of modern science such a thing is possible? Perhaps a simpler and more readily-achievable solution for the bonsai enthusiast without access to the necessary laboratory equipment is to impregnate a suitable mother cat and then gently (with the aid of common surgical tools and appropriate anaesthetic) open her up and carefully insert her womb through the bottle neck, leaving all blood vessels still attached to the cat. This way the entire gestation period can happen in-situ inside the bottle, with no awkward birth and insertion difficulties. For convenience, the glass vessel could be attached with duct-tape to the belly of the mother, permitting an entirely normal and happy life for the mother-to-be. This also raises the fascinating possibility of using embryo cloning techniques to produce two or more _absolutely_ identical bonsai kittens; a mouth-watering prospect for any serious collector.
A Such advanced electronic and biomedical engineering is not our forté, but we are glad that we have helped you in your amazing projects. What a wondrous world we live in!
Q Please acceptÊour heartfelt "Thank You" for the wonderful job you did in shaping our little Bonsaikitten, whom we have affectionately named, "Cal Ripkitten". You'll remember that you shaped little Cal into a baseball shape and he has provided my children hours of enjoyment playing "catch" with him in the backyard. What is so special about Cal, is that if he ever gets lost in the tall weeds behind the barn after an overthrow, he's always so easy to find when we hear his little "meows".Ê It's so easy for the kids or even the dog to locate and retrieve him and bring him back to the game. One thing we did find out about Cal, however, is that he gets very nervous when the kids ask him if he's ready to play a little T-ball.Ê Ha-ha.Ê They're just kidding of course.
A It really makes our day to hear from satisfied customers like you. You make it all worthwhile. Thank you, and best regards to your family and little "Cal".
Q I was thinking about giving my husband a penis shaped cat to thank him for the great sex he gives me. Do you think that is possible?
Q can u control how big the size of the penis is? i am not kidding, i would seriously like to know this information. please respond
Q I would like to know if it's possible to trasform my cat in an enormous dick. I like dick.... I would like to see you in front of S.Peter...and in front an army of dick-cats!
A Since we are a family-oriented company, we do not feature them on the sales page, but we do sell translucent polyurethane penis-shaped constriction vessels. These can be used to shape the entire kitten or just certain parts. The natural bodily functions of the kitten give it a continuous warmth and gentle vibration during the shaping period, and some of our less shy customers have reported incorporating them into their marital relations, with pleasurable results!
A Dear masters at BONSAI KITTEN- I have a bonsai kitten in the shape of a penis! Her name is Wanger. -Brittaney
Q May I refer to a posting by a so called Rust. Who does this person think he or she is. I adore my Bonsai kitten and it adores me. Since I stuffed it into it's new home it has had so much joy. I offer people like Rust to try thiss with their kittens - then you will see what joy it brings.
A Thanks for your support, we know that many of the people who are hesitant about owning a Bonsai Kitten would be very satisfied if they only tried it!
Q You damn well can trim a kitten, but I find the best way to avoid hair loss and unsightly asymmetry is to anaesthatise the creature and strategically fracture and set its limbs into an attractive lattice formation. My finest creation, Hexil, is such a beast, residing permanently in a pyrex and titanium vessel of pure rectangular formation. Very 21st century, though I say so myself, and much stronger than a pyrex vessel of unitary construction. This is due to the lack ofÊpre-tension in individual planar elements of the vessel which can cause premature fracturing under even low to moderate pressure.
A Nice work if you can get the materials. One more side benefit of a government industrial contract we suspect!
Q A very interesting site! I think that you have discovered a useful purpose for a cat!! Congratulations!! Your inspiring hobby has given new direction to my otherwise wasteful destruction of the strays in my neighborhood.. I even have some old glass canisters that the ex left behind which willÊnow, too have a use.. Listen, I have a 100 gallon aquarium with about $2000 of tropical fish.. I think that a Bonsai Kitten in the aquariumÊwouldÊbe an excellent additionÊto the tank.. A unique conversation piece! Of course, your plans would have toÊbe altered somewhat toÊinclude a pump to accommodate induction of air and removal of waste,Êbut what about feeding?? Do you have any suggestions?? Would the super glue contaminate the water and kill myÊfish?? Thank you!!
A We have delivered "submarine kitties" to a couple of high-society clients. Standard aquarium pumps with the drive voltage reduced and the addition of an exhaust valve to the air tube work fine. Cured super glue is remarkably insoluble in water and poses no threat to your valuable fish, rest easy.
Q Hello all in the BonsaiKitten headquarters! I want to share my experience with you, as I have develop what I think is some short of "new way" or "deviation" from the "regular" bonsai kitten techniques. I own an old analogic mobile phone from K-Mart Telecom with a huge display and I've removed all the inner circuitry and electronics, replacing the display with a fine clear Pyrex foil. I've covered the inner surfaces with a special silicone spray to assure proper isolation and added comfortability and I've placed a tiny Dioabeam (the smaller race of cat) kitten inside. It takes an enormous amount of work, but I think that I'm really into something new and not seen before. I call him "Tamagotchi". I'm trying to have his tail relocated to the antenna in order to complete the effect! If i get a digital camera, I will be emailing pictures soon!
A It always pleases us to see older technology being recycled into unforeseen forms. We look forward eagerly to seeing the pictures. Just don't play with little Tamagotchi while driving -- safety first!
Q As of now, you concentrate on shaping the kittens, but pay no attention to the possibilities that this opens up for those who want to play with the physiology of their cats. the simplest idea: grow a female kitten whose sex organs would be unaccessible for the normal kitty-style lovemaking. and - heureka! - you have got the simplest solution for the worst problem for all catlovers who don't want their pussycats to be neutered: the cat cannot have kittens because it cannot, physically, be fertilized. and so on. want a cat who can go in and out of the house without need for opening a door? - have an extremely thin cat who could slide under doors. you love cats and would like to have many of them, but your small apartement has no room for more than a few? - rectangular cats can be packed much more tightly and use less floor space. etc etc. so, in addition to the purely aesthetic aspect of bonsai kittens, put some accent on the more practical sides of your work as well :)
A Thanks for your suggestions, especially the alternative to spaying and neutering. Surgery is always dangerous to an animal and any alternatives that perform the same essential function are to be commended.
Q I have not been the same since I discovered your site. Great ideas and such an inspiration. I have followed your teachings to the letter and cannot describe the feelings of overwhelming joy I have had recently. I write to share my latest work with you and describe the concept below;
A Thank you for sharing your ingenious creation with us, Chris. It is the special combination of beauty and practicality that make the Bonsai Kitten such a superior possession.
Q I would be interested to hear if you have any experience of "BonsaiKitten-meets-Lava-lamp" as I have a kitten and a Lava lamp and enjoy both of them separately, but as a busy man, it would make far more sense to integrate the two so I could enjoy them both at the same time, thus saving a few minutes each day. do you have any Lava-lamp/kittem options available - do i need a fan to cool the kitten so it doesnt start to cook when place on top(or inside ) the lava lamp? i have experimented with a few options, but the kittn seems to scream out after about an hour as the oil heats up. no doubt you have a better solution?
A We don't have any specific experience with Bonsai Kitten lava lamps, but it seems to us that the critical factor would be in finding a liquid substrate that closely matches the kitten's density. It also may be necessary to adjust the kitten's diet to achieve a homogeneous density, in order to avoid looping motions that can nauseate the viewer. If you have any success in either of these areas, please let us know.
Q I wish i had found you a year ago, but alas, my cat is already all-growned-up. However, I always believe there is still hope. Do you have any suggestions or procedures that will allow me to slowly force a full grown cat into one of the basic euclidean shapes, nothing really exotic. For example, do i need to soak the cat in anything first to soften it up or can i just go ahead by applying direct pressure in a mold.
A Sorry, once the cat is fully grown there is no hope. Your best bet is to discard the obsolete product and start again.
Q We have just finished sequencing the Human Genome here at the UCSC Center for Biomolecular Science and Engineering and are now setting our sights on even loftier goals. Yes, I'm talking about the transdimensional bonsai kitten! We already have a little Russian Blue contained within an electro-magnetic hypercube. The power crisis here in California has been the biggest problem. The transdimensional field requires over 3 megawatts to maintain the requisite restraining force on the kittens body. Everytime PG & E cuts power, we lose field integrity. Re-establishing the field is a painstaking process that requires very precise calculations to avoid undue kitty suffering. We usually have to make it a little bigger than it was before. I would send you pictures, but as you know, it is difficult to repesent 4D space in only 2 dimensions. We also have to be very carful about what information we make publicly available, since we are planning on patenting the process. We will be writing a paper on this subject, and are looking for the appropriate scientific journal for publishing. The politics behind paper selection in American Journal of Kitten Bonsai preclude us from publishing there. Do you know of an alternative journal that might publish this paper?
A Indeed, the AJKB is in serious need of a complete overhaul of its editorial staff. If your work overlaps with that of those with better connections, you will try in vain to be published there. We now subscribe to the new journal Transmogrification and recommend that all involved in cutting edge kitten-shaping research submit there exclusively.
Q For the kitty bonsai enthusiast after the truly unique shape, the only recourse is to DIY -- hunt out an evening class in glassblowing (your local college may run such a thing, and should it be so short-sighted as not to do so, there is the option of a correspondence course!). Thus armed with the requisite knowledge and technical expertise, and of course a large barbecue, the only limitation on the range of exotically-shaped containers you will be able to produce is your imagination! As for getting kitty flexible before placing him/her in the container, I must take serious issue with your espousal of synthetic muscle relaxants! I recommend a wholly natural substance to which a Rastafarian friend of mine recently introduced me. This, I have his assurance, is a dried herbal tonic, totally organic, which, when mixed with a *little* tobacco and rolled into a kind of cigarillo or cheroot, produces a feeling of extreme well-being and relaxation. Puffing just a little of your exhaled smoke into kitty's face not only allows your pet to share these benefits, but renders him/her extraordinarily flexible. Not only that, but I believe it can enhance feline intelligence by an astronomical degree, if only on a temporary basis. To my astonishment, I found my Frou-Frou nodding in learned agreement as my friend and I discussed a wide variety of topics, ranging from the music of Miles Davis through alien abduction and Atlantis to the philosophical and occult meaning of the cracks in my ceiling. I am sure she even shared in our laughter! (Of course, as a purebred seal-point Siamese, Frou-Frou is well above normal cat intelligence to start with!). Unfortunately, I cannot recall the name of this substance -- I shall have to ask my friend next time I see him. It looked vaguely like dried oregano, or possibly sage, but it seems you cannot buy it over the counter of your local chemist (or drugstore, as I believe our Transatlantic cousins say). I did ask at mine, but merely got mystified looks from the girl at the pharmacist's counter when I described the substance and its effects. Perhaps it is only available through specialist suppliers, although it may be that they simply cannot get the staff these days. May I enjoin you to keep up with the good work! PS: Frou-Frou is happily taking the shape of Starship Enterprise
A Thanks for the tip. While we prefer to stick with tried-and-true commercial pharmaceuticals, there is no denying that herbal remedies work for some.
Q hey ,If you are real ....it is a pretty weird thing.Yes I'm from the States and no I've never heard of this.To me it looks like torchier but then in other parts of the world they eat babies.We here eat beef and enjoy but in India the cow is a sacred animal and the idea of one eating it is repulsive.It all boils down to what culture you were raised in.Like in Asia child porn was legal and not looked at as anything bad but here it's repulsive. If the kittens are truly not harmed then you are doing nothing any different than what they do to poodles (I think they look sooo stupid and to me that is cruel to make ANY dog look like that).Good luck with the PETA's (I hate them to,my kid was one of those that they yanked a hotdog out of his mouth and shoved a dead cows head in front of him at a park a year ago) and all those other whacked out animal lover,tree huger,liberal, nazi,fascists a$$holes.Êps I hope that you post this and that you forward it to some of those people, after all THIS IS AMERICAÊ home of the freethinkers.Let freedom ring brother.
A Thanks for your support, rest assured we'll hold the torch of freedom high. They can take our Bonsai Kittens when they pry them from our cold, dead fingers.
Q Sirs, Rather than ruin a few kittens trying to shape them I thought it would be easier if I post one to you. Perhaps in a flat pack with surrounding wet packaging (to allow kitty to drink) ? And a DO NOT BEND sticker. Regards Steve, AUSTRALIA.
A That would be fine, please contact our shipping department to confirm your order and specify the shaping job. As you are an international customer you must be sure to get the appropriate quarantine form also. Ask your post office for details.
Q Suggestion. for all those people worried about their expensive kitties running away, why not produce a banana-shaped bonsaikitten? it it curved laterally, then it would just run in circles and there would be no fear of losing that precious investment. Carpe Noctum, Killer Wolf
A Thanks a lot for the suggestion, we are sure it will be of assistance to many of our visitors, especially as the orientation of the curve could be selected to make a statement concerning the owner's political persuasions.
Q I can't express the amount of joy your site has brought to me! I've mailed links to all my friends, as I want to share the happiness! (Plus, maybe they'll take it as a subtle hint that I would love a kitten shaped like a half-yard beer glass)! --don nelson P.S. I'm sure it must be exhausting to continue to educate some of the mis-informed and angry visitors to your site, but please don't give up!Ê You're providing a public service that goes far beyond just selling a product.
A We appreciate the support, Don, we have tried hard to make our site a resource for all those interested in Bonsai Kitticulture as well as just to promote our business. It is very rewarding when letters like yours let us know that we're succeeding.
Q i think that what u do to this beautiful kitten is absolutely disgusting! please stop to torture these innocent animals!!!!!!!!!!!i hope that the wwf association will know about it and do something against this tremendous torture! animal are human beings and not vases!!! they got their own body shape you have not the right to change their aspect and make them such an terrifying thing!!! please stop it sooooooooooonnnnnnnn!!!!!!!! kitten lover, dany
A All human beings are indeed animals, but the reverse is not true. We understand that in some people's families the distinction may become blurred.
Q dear kitties i am a muso when i put my kitty in my drum he squeaks this greatly adds to the dimension of my sound bang meow bang meow bang meow s.
A Great to hear from you Stephan, it certainly comes as no surprise that Bonsai Kittens are the choice of artists in other sensory modalities than just the visual.
Q it s mindblowing! how can the human mind can achieve such an impressive stronghold on mother nature and is weakest creatures!today, i can say that i m proud of the ever increasingly powreful human race.respect! i can see from a long a distance that bunch of people arguing: oh look at that,its so wrong,what are they doin with those poor cute animals,my god! i can tell you: fuck them all! keep on the good work! i have a dream...and you make it so real ! please,i d like to be part of this adventure.so,i was wonderin if you would like me to send you my own pride:photos of my own experiments on pets(and animals-note that some of them are bonsai related). i reckon that they are a bit more experimentals than yours...but i m sure you will enjoy them. take good notice that whatever your answer can be i will stay devoted to the cause. i hope to hear from you asap! peace! p.S:i heard rumours coming from some friends, that are in that buisness, that your web-site isn t serious and totally fake.i hope that the relationship we ll share,will proove that this is (r)evolutionnary matter...
A Thank you for the kind words! We look forward to seeing your photographs of your experiments. Although we hold fast to the ancient traditions, we are always interested to observe where modern ingenuity is taking us. And please do not concern yourself with those scurrilous rumours. Your friends are no doubt competitors of ours, trying to increase their market share. Please tell them that such tactics are unnecessary; the modified pet market is more than big enough for us all to co-exist harmoniously.
Q aren`t you able to earn your mony with something sensefull?? Don`t you think, that animal feel pain as human? Are you even able to think? What is your Doctor for? For horror? Would you even put your mother or sister into a small glass, just to stay small. What for??? Just for money??? Do you really think, you are Frankenstein????? Or God???? You are asiatic. What do you think, why did your originals leave their contry, maybe because they wantet to live in a civilized country. You should shame for that what you are doing. Really shame on it. Just for mony?? Just for money?? So much pain just for money??? Shame on you, in my mind you are such an ugly asshole. Such an asshole. If you are man enough, give me an answer. Or are you only able to pain helpless creatures? For you I wish, someone will put you into a coffin for the rest of your life. May one day someone kill you, but very very slowly. You asshole. Give me an answer. You cowardly asshole. Brigitte Bakende from Germany, a country where your kind of making mony is impossible. I thank God for.
A You have your ways of making money, we have ours. Until cats are routinely given dental work involving precious metals, we will just have to politely agree to differ.
Q What your doing is SICK. I own to cats of my own. And one named tigger died. so seeing this was todaly maen and wrong.I'm not saying you should stop doing your web-site.But anyone who dose that to poor kittens should have it done to HIM or HER.
A Our condolences for your loss. But life goes on, and it is important for you to finish grieving and move on with yours. A cute new conical kitty would undoubtedly speed the healing process, would it not?
Q Wonderful site! Dear American man I read up the mail you're receiving and it's impossible for people like the one who was calling you chinese to exist, the other one calling you son of a bitch just for a great idea you have had! Please keep on this way and contact me for every other cool site you will create. Thanks an Italian man. Red Fly
A Unfortunately, although they are in the minority, these people who abuse what they do not understand do exist in our world. Rest assured that we will not allow them to silence our art; your words of support are definitely appreciated, however.
Q I came to this site after recieveing a letter from a friend saying youÊshould be shut down. So I came and to say the least was sick to my stomach. I first went to the gallery to see if it was true, and it was. I then went to the guestbook and saw the reactions of others. But you guys seemed to back yourselves up saying people were ignorant. So I went through the site. Your right, it isn't all that cruel. I thought at first that the cats died in the bottles and then were set as decorations. As I can see there only in the bottles for a short time. I still think it is cruel, some kittens must come out wrong and never be able to walk ect. But on the other hand, think of some other animal situations, like the situation around turkey(as food), there kept in SMALL cages where they fight desese and overheating. I think that more information needs to be given at the site about the dangers, ect. Jonathan Swell
A We are gratified that you have looked at our site with an open mind. Of course, we would never advocate killing a kitten for a decoration when a live one can do the job so much better. We are as concerned as you are about the dangers of hobbyists not being up to date on the most reliable methods, which is why we have tried to make our site comprehensive and offer kitticulture courses etc. Thanks for getting in touch.
Q No offense to ancient asian techniques, but you're living in the past! With all-new recently discovered kitten-gene-therapy it's now possible to have your kitten stay a kitten for longer and longer periods of time, all thanks to Kittytrope(tm). No longer do we have to resort to the ethically questionable methods of malnourishing, shaping, or (heaven forbid) trimming! Now for a limited time, you can order our new (mildy radioactive) isotopes for only $19.99 per injection. Each injection is guarunteed to keep you kitten at that loveable roly-poly size for an additional 4 months of its life. Each order of Kittytrope also comes with a free "I (heart) kittens!" bumper sticker, while supplies last. Note, unusual lethargy has been reported in 4% of kittens on Kittytrope, as always check with your vetrinarian before starting your feline on any modification course. Make sure you choose the right course for your pet!
A We're not going to get into the habit of posting advertisements for our competitors on our site, but we think it's important for people to know the options that are available. Bonsai Kittens are superior to Kittytrope kittens for a number of reasons, including the unlimited variety of available shapes and the fact that Bonsai Kittens are safe for children of all ages. Please call or e-mail us for more information on why you should choose a Bonsai Kitten over unproven, hazardous techniques like Kittytrope.
Q I have studied the art of kitticulture for 27 years under the guidance of Grandmaster Jiang Xiouzyou, of the Chinese province of Henan, in Zhengzhou, approximately 450 miles from Shanghai. I moved to America in 1985, settling into rural Kentucky. I purchased a large farm where many kittens were able to breed and I was able to continue my studies in solitude via long-distance correspondence with master Xiouzyou. In 1989, I came across an injured fox which I nursed back to health using a modified form of feline compression taught to me by my master. On a hunch, I began to shape the fox into a geodesic sphere [which, on another note is a particularly difficult task on kitties, let alone a fox!]Ê After 12 weeks, I successfully rehabilitated the once-injured fox into a glorious geodesic sphere!Ê The most interesting part of the experiment came a few days later, though, when I noticed that the fox had lost its shape and only regains it in times of danger! I have never witnessed such a bizarre reaction to kitticulture, and am rather pleased with the results. Perhaps I will forward some pictures so that all may enjoy the splendor of my geodesic fox! Sincerely, Dr. Chiang Xiaoudeng
A You were most fortunate, it appears that since as we know the fox was not suitable for bone-shaping, it instead incorporated the constriction shape into what we call "joint memory". We look forward to seeing the photographs of your fantastic fox!
Q I am afraid that you are not the first to use this technique. While in Vietnam I saw many examples of what you are doing. They were also using puppies,snakes,monkeys etc. I would check very closely with an attorney, to insure that you are not in violation of international copy right laws. The people in the region that were doing this, were very closed mouth about the means that was used. However as drugs were in abundance, I suspectÊa local drug was used. Many of the men in my unit sent this back home as gifts to the parents, girlfriends, wives, and children. I now understand that do to the restrictions on importing from Nam, that these originals have increased from the original selling price of 2 piastres to 50 piastres. That would be about $.35 in our money. Please remove any reference as to myÊemail etc. as I do not want to start recieving hate mail from the FBI or animal rights groups. Thank you, DunknDine.
A The Vietnamese technique is somewhat different in that the subjects are never removed from the constriction vessels, which is why a wider range of animals is available. Also, the unit of currency in Vietnam since the war is the Dong. Now that relations between the USA and Vietnam are warming, we hope to see trade in their sculpted animals resume, and do not anticipate legal or commercial friction -- we are all artists after all.
Q Thank you for your site, I've come to love shaping my kittens into new and unusual shapes; there is nothing quite like the face of a small child when you give them their first Bonsai Kitten. I have run into some problems though; using my homemade shoehorn and scooper I've had problems with my kitten's heads popping off when I try to remove them from their jars. Is this a normal problem or would your brand of scooper/shoehorn help stop this annoyance? Bonsai Kitten Lover
A Removal can sometimes be difficult, but problems of the severity you describe are definitely avoidable. We recommend switching to the Alessi shoehorns and scoopers we sell, which have their edges custom double-beveled and polished for ultimate safety. Also, application of a little linseed oil to the kitten a few hours prior to removal will aid extraction, as well as helping to preserve the kitten's surface lustre.
Q I was overjoyed to find your site. I've studied your methods with great succes. However, my first cat Recs, your basic rectilinear shape, was often lonely since plain cats were jealous of his perfect dimensions. With this setback in mind, I went to work on several new kittens. This time they would not be lonely as I formed them into a beautiful furry jigsaw puzzle. No longer do I waste my time on cold impersonal cardboard jigsaw puzzles. Now my kitties and I have such fun as they scurry to mix themselves up and have me put them back together. I've also found that the closeness helps them keep warm on cold winter nights. And another great use was discovered by my grandmother... in a small apartment there's little room to keep more than a couple cats, but with the jigsaw cats my granny has not only doubled the number of her feline friends, she's also reclaimed her living room! Thanks BK!
Q A friend of mine said when she was in India she saw an assortment of Bonsai Kittens that fit together like pieces of a puzzle. I was wondering how you might go about doing this and how much would it cost? She also said that the kittens were wired together, and I was thinking it would be cool to have many little kittens wired together to make a giant cat. Has this been done?
A As you can see from the first report, puzzle kitties are extremely popular, practical and entertaining for those who can afford a large number of bonsai kittens, not to mention the cost of the custom jigsaw-piece containment vessels. And of course they're just perfect for kids of all ages. As for making a giant patchwork cat out of many bonsai kittens, we are expecting Jeff Koons to contact us any day now.
Q While I have never tried the bonsai kitten method, when we were kids we did something similar to a grown cat. When my little brother had fully recovered the use of his neck, we were left with the problem of what to do with a leftover neckbrace. The perfect solution was to wrap it around the torso of our fully-grown cat, which is great for motivating the darling to walk backwards. I know that getting your cat to walk backwards is a difficult feat, but once you have him doing it, you'll be the envy of every cat owner in America! Also, a cat wrapped snuggly in a neckbrace is easier to roll down a flight of stairs... and if your stairs are like ours, they aren't carpeted, so the damage is virtually nonexistant! No claw marks, whatsoever! I know that the fullgrown cat in a neck brace is not nearly as aesthetically pleasing as a bonsai kitty, but the entertainment gives one hundredfold! Ever Yours, Jewel Atkins
Q I have a bonsai kitten, it's in the shape of a shovel. ÊIt helps to dig holes for my flowers. ÊNot with its head, silly. ÊI mean with its paws. ÊIt's so ironic that my kitty looks like a shovel and digs holes too! ÊMy kitty is very well behaved and I have trained him to chase after dogs. ÊIt's very amusing, but also heartwarming. ÊThank you, bonsaikitten.com, for the new, and wonderfull door that you have opened for me. ÊI named my precious Spade, because he looks like a shovel. ÊThank you! -Phil
Q This site has been a true inspiration to me. I work in a veterinarian's office and have easy access to kittens and puppies. I have read your warnings regarding puppies, alas, a bit too late for the first litter, but have ceased experimenting with Great Danes altogether. I had a great idea for a project that would coincide with my son's third birthday: I have begun shaping kittens into a square, rectangle, triangle, tube (circle), and star. I have also custom built a box with corresponding shapes cut into it for my son to learn his shapes, by placing the cute little mewing kitties into the proper holes. Let's hope he's not like his farther and tries to force the wrong shapes into the wrong holes with a hammer! Ha ha! Anyway, I thought I'd pass this educational project along for your readers.
A Thanks for sharing your happy experiences with us all!
Q With great pain and furious anger I ought to inform you about an interessting experiment, that finaly failed: As many poor families can not afford a cat and the necessary equipment, I decided to search for other ways to make people happy. Even in the 3rd world, where cats are often eaten in a cruel and uncivilized way, people should develope another relation to animals; to those charming nice beeings that can give us so much - especially in such a practical and cosy size. Therefore, I started research with other animals, that can be found in poorer countries too. Mice seemed to be the optimal solution. Small by nature, tough and not too hungry, I was looking for ways to get them even smaller (and sweeter) without the help of such "high-tech" -Materials as Glass-Bottles, but by more simple tools. A Matchbox did the job perfectly! Next Thursday I would have introduced my invention to the world. It would have made it a better place for our children... In deep sorrow, I have to tell you hereby that the work of months is lost. I kept the five bonsaimice to close to the cat, on which I gained my first experience. My bonsaikitten ate them all. Hope to be abble to present you the next generation in a few months. But thank you very much anyway. You are a big inspiration and a big help to fight the discrimination of the 3rd world and poverty in general. Sincerely Gabor von Zoltan
A We're very sorry to hear of the loss of your work. It's a shame that despite all our efforts to make humans less cruel to animals, we can't prevent other animals being cruel to each other. Best wishes for the continuation of your humanitarian project, and in future perhaps you could coat your experiments with a foul-tasting paste to make them less attractive to bonsai predators?
Q To whom ever this may concern, Your site is a truly disgusting display of what always happens when people who dont understand art and dont try to understand this remarkable artform. Kittens were the perfect medium for "Bonsai", that is untill 1921 when the HATEFULL womens movement decided to try and destroy all "Male" aspects of American life. They unsucessfully tried to rob the average American of his right to beverage enjoyment. Unfortunately though they did succeed in banishing the art of "Bonsai", which at the time of 1921 was making a come back. With the "jealous because we dont have a penis" womens group petitioning congress daily with their PMS attitudes America suffered a blow to future artist. Your Site is a band-aid that is slowly healing the gash that those HATEFULL women put into artist. After seeing your site for the fist time i've decided to go back to my roots of Egypt and make art as my forefathers used to, till they to were forced into ART restriction by HATEFULL women groups. Going through an old photo albaum i discovered pictures of my great great great grand uncle helping his father graft a crocodile head onto a monkey(the Monkey tends to have a better success rate than Humans) and now I to think its time for that wonderfull Egyptian practice gets brought back into the Spot light. I truly thank you for your sites help and encouragement. future artist will be thankfull. Rahamid
A Thanks for your support, Rahamid, but remember that if not for the efforts of millions of plump, infertile women, the cat itself would not have the revered place it deservedly enjoys in our society today, so we owe them a debt of gratitude rather than tarring all with the brush of art-supressing man-haters. Good luck with your Egyptian revivalism!
Q There isn't a punishment severe enough for sick fucks like yourself.. Comparing a cat to a fucking tree? Comparing mangling a living thing to getting a tattoo, dance or martial arts?? You should all be anally raped by some psycho who's been "altered" into having a three foot dick with extruding spikes and a constant smelly drip.
A We are sure that a cute little bonsai kitten in an appropriate non-threatening shape would help you come to terms with your severe sexual repression. Please call us so that we can discuss your special needs. We are here to help.
Q Dear Bonsai Kitty, We are avid lovers & observers of the felinus domesticus. In fact, we have been accused of being felinus-fanaticus-weirdus since we share our home with 8 of the little buggers. Over several years of unscientific observation of the resident felinus domesticus we've come to the sad, sad conclusion that eventually these wonderful flea-circuses do indeed pass to the Great Litter Box in the sky. Currently, we are quite sadden by the impending demise of our 18 year old felinus domesticus. We know her time on earth is coming to an end, rapidly now, she's had a good run, but still...we weep uncontrollably at the thought of her passing. As you can imagine, this wonderful, though half-dead, felinus domesticus has been a member of our family for ever and ever. That is how we happened upon your site, we were searching for a way to dispose of her remains following the deeply tragic event. In relation to her current condition we have made the following observations. First, she now appears to be blind & deaf .... as a newborn kitten would be. Second, she is having trouble walking, indeed, even standing still costs her great effort. A parallel again, newborn kittens cannot walk. Finally, her diet mainly consists of soft food, again paralleling the diet of a newborn kitten. Coincidence? We think not. Do you think we could preserve her by insertion into a glass container of our choosing. Your website states that only young kittens may be used due to their "flexibility". Upon reading this and drawing the parallels we have you have given us hope. We wish to avoid the hassles of the pine box method of preservation. Really! If we are to use the pine box method how on earth would we observe our dear kitty day-to-day?! We realize that step #2 of the pine box method entails dropping our dear kitty 6 feet into the cold, dank, dark earth only to have her become fodder for ugly, creepy worms. We are loving, caring, wonderful animal parents and these thoughts fill us with such distress we are seriously considering heavy medication for ourselves. Please answer soon, the clock is ticking.
A You could certainly preserve your old cat by insertion into an appropriate vessel along with a preserving agent. If you have access to a low-pressure pump, embalming fluid (available from any funeral home supplier) would be the best solution, or otherwise the more old-fashioned formaldehyde option should present you with no major difficulties. As you clearly have a strong emotional bond with your feline, we also recommend attaching a small electronic "meow box" to the jar. These are available at most major electronics hobby stores, can be triggered by a variety of sensors (light, motion etc), and will render your preserved beloved pet as sensitive and interactive as it was in life.
Q Excellent product. I got mine on E-Bay and can vouch for it 110%. Keep up the good work.
AWe're glad to hear that you were satisfied with your purchase, but we must add a warning to other net-shoppers. We do not sell directly on eBay, so if buying one there please make sure that if it is advertised as a genuine Bonsai Kitten that it comes with our certificate of authenticity, complete with a photo of the kitten as it left our factory. We have had some reports of unscrupulous sellers hawking poorly-shaped or otherwise mistreated kittens, or even more horrifyingly, dead kittens in jars masquerading as Bonsai Kittens, and later claiming that the kitten must have died in the mail! As always, caveat emptor, and please contact us if you suspect that someone is misrepresenting the trusted Bonsai Kitten name.
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