You might be a birder if... (#1)

You might be a birder if your neck hurts except when you're looking up.

You might be a birder if you've never seen a seagull.

You might be a birder if you think Canadian Goose must be a rock group.

You might be a birder if you spend a lot of time twitching.

You might be a birder if more than half your male friends have beards.

You might be a birder if you think Peterson is a book.

You might be a birder if you want to see just one more warbler before lunch.

You might be a birder if you have a permanent depression above the bridge of your nose from pressure against your eyeglasses.

You might be a birder if for you the "tele" is silent in telescope, despite what your dictionary says.

You might be a birder if you think LBJ doesn't stand for Lyndon Baines Johnson.

You might be a birder if you understand why you need to see some warblers today even though you saw 31 different kinds of them yesterday.

You might be a birder if you tell your friends you saw 78 birds today even though you saw 600.

You might be a birder if you've had to explain to acquaintances, "No, I don't have a retriever."

You might be a birder if your spouse doesn't understand why you must keep a yard list, a county list, a state list, a U.S. list, a lower-48 list, a Canada list, an ABA list (whatever that is), a world list, and an escrow list.

You might be a birder if you can make three different words by rearranging the letters I-P-H-S.

You might be a birder if you're not a birdwatcher.

You might be a birder if there are days when getting up at 4:30 a.m. is something you've looked forward to.

You might be a birder if you've taken a leak behind a tree.

You might be a birder if you're all the time wanting to stop the car, and your riders are saying "What are you stopping for?"

You might be a birder if you know what a Boney is.

You might be a birder if you can tell a parrot from a macaw.

You might be a birder if covert doesn't mean undercover to you.

You might be a birder if you know the difference between ABBA, ABA, IOU, AOU, RTP, ABC, DEF, and XYZ.

You might be a birder if you can say to within 200 how many North American species of birds there are.

You might be a birder if you've ever seen a Butterbutt.

You might be a birder if you have sharp eyesight, acute hearing, physical endurance, a disregard for hot and cold, and extreme patience.

You might be a birder if you'd love to have a Q.

You might be a birder if you know where to go to find a Tamaulipas Crow.

You might be a birder if you know what Long-billed Curlew, Common Murre, Great Kiskadee, Plain Chachalaca, and Eastern Wood-Pewee have in common.

You might be a birder if you've ever heard of Long-billed Curlew, Common Murre, Great Kiskadee, Plain Chachalaca, or Eastern Wood- Pewee.

You might be a birder if your Email address contains the name of a bird.

You might be a birder if your children are named after birds.

You might be a birder if watching movies you notice those Wood Thrushes singing in the middle of the night in Africa.

You might be a birder if you know birds named after Lewis and Clark.

You might be a birder if you have a fascination for boobies.

You might be a birder if you don't have a fascination for boobies.

You might be a birder if you know all ducks don't quack.

You might be a birder if you can name two ducks that quack.

You might be a birder if you think pelagics are cool.

You might be a birder if you know pelagics are cold.

You might be a birder if you know what a four-year gull is.

You might be a birder if you know the real name for shopping center pigeons.

You might be a birder if you know whether there are zero, one, twelve, thirty-six, and fifty-eight North American sparrows.

You might be a birder if you can can correctly name one North American sparrow.

You might be a birder if empids bug you.

You might be a birder if you can say exactly where you saw a dozens of lifebirds but don't recall exactly where you first met your spouse.

You might be a birder if "nemesis bird" means something to you.

You might be a birder if you know what Phainopepla and Pyrrhuloxia have in common.

You might be a birder if you know within 10 the number of wood warblers in North America.

You might be a birder if you know what bird says "I am so la-zee."

You might be a birder if you know the highlight color of most wood warblers.

You might be a birder if you know the name of the last Passenger Pigeon and what year it died.

You might be a very old birder if you saw the last Passenger Pigeon in the year it died.

You might be a birder if better hearing makes your "Top Five Wish List."

You might be a birder if you grow weary of seeing Red-winged Blackbirds.

You might be a birder if "today's trash bird" means something to you.

You might be a birder if you're familiar with MODOs.

You might be a birder if you look forward to hard northern winters so you can get frostbitten while looking for northern owls.

You might be a birder if you can find Pt. Pelee, Pt. Reyes, and Cape May on a map in less than five seconds.

You might be a birder if you think a bird with a crossed bill isn't necessarily a mutant freak.

You might be a birder if you understand "The bird is always right." (Todd Newberry, Santa Clara, California)

You might be a birder if a CBC isn't something you'd want to do in March.

You might be a birder if you've got better things to do than watch "the big game."

You might be a birder if you've got better things to do than attend your birthday party.

You might be a birder if your spouse is a birder.

You might be a birder if your spouse is not a birder (but, of course, an interesting person nonetheless).

You might be a birder if you know what leaves, rocks, weeds, shadows, reflections, signs, paper, cow pies, snags, stumps, clumps, and chipmunks have in common--and cars (yes, cars).

You might be a birder if you'd fly across the country to see a gull--the right gull.

You might be a birder if you bought your three-year old binoculars for his birthday.

You might be a birder if you think kettle can be a verb.

You might be a birder if you're happy with your exit pupil.

You might be a birder if you've been to the World Series but never saw a strikeout.

You might be a birder if you think Wandering Tattler is a real bird.

-- by Bruce Bowman, Ann Arbor, Michigan