You might be a birder if... (#3)

Your spouse thinks "DEEP WOODS OFF" is your cologne.

Your pants are permanently wrinkled at the ankles from being tucked into boots.

You thinking ripping open owl pellets is NOT gross.

You have been seen looking out of restaurant windows with your binoculars.

You don't think of elections when you hear the word primaries.

You cringe when friends tell you they saw a ruffled grouse or a seagull.

You identify the anatomy of your Kentucky Fried Chicken.

You call the Hot Line but aren't looking for a psychic.

You refer to a good day of watching TV and don't mean television

Your children have not had new shoes in two years but you own a Swarovski.

You have actually BEEN to the Brownsville Dump.

You are sure that in Heaven there are six months of May and six months of September.

You are reading this list and preparing your own.

Someone yells "Duck!", and you look up and shout "Where?"

You criticize television programs and commercials that depict a Bald Eagle but play a Red-tailed Hawk call.

Your kids are named Buteo and Accipiter.

People stop and stare when you pish at the shrubbery at the local mall.

Your spouse says, "Its either me or the birds," and you have to think about it.

You pay a neighbor kid $20 to roll on a carcass and lie still while you search the sky for vultures.

You try to talk your kid into going to college in Belize so that you have an excuse to go and bird there.

A machine squeaks at work and you describe it to maintenance as sounding like a black-and-white warbler.

You spend fifteen minutes preparing dinner for your family, and thirty minutes mixing and placing seed for your birds.

You identify calls of birds in the soundtracks of television shows and movies.

You lose friends, and perhaps even your spouse, from fighting over the pronunciation of "pileated."

A trip to the local sewage treatment plant is as important (or more important!) as seeing museums and other cultural sites when you visit a foreign country.

You know what birds USED to be called before the English name was changed, and use them as in, "Look, there's a common egret, American egret, great egret, or whatever they're calling it these days."

You are the only one in the room who doesn't think "Prairie Chicken" and "Sapsucker" are funny.

Every last gift or card you receive has a bird on it.

You read about a catastrophic bird-plane collision which killed 257 people and feel so sorry for the poor bird.

You have trouble following movies, because whenever they have a scene with birdsong in the background, you try to ID all the songs and then lose track of the plot.

If the scene is some treeless suburban wasteland and the song is a wood thrush, later the only thing you can remember about that movie is this error.

All your friends know you're like this and they won't watch movies with you anymore.