August 5, 2000: Jackie Chan's Gorgeous

MONKEY: Today we review the movie Gorgeous Staring Jackie Chan and Qi Shu. We saw it randomly at Blockbuster Video and rented it because in general Jackie Chan makes a great flick. This one sucked.
MONKEYPOINT: No way dude! Jackie Chan is awesome!
M: As I was saying... Jackie Chan makes a good movie usually but this time I think is an exception.
MP: Whatcha talking about Willis... Jackie Chan kick yo ass!
M: He could kick my monkey ass easily, but anyway let me continue it's a schizophrenic tale... written Hong Kong style (Reminiscent of Who am I?) ... a love story where a girl from a small fishing village finds a romantic message in a bottle which she takes to heart. She then travels to Hong Kong to find this guy who happens to be some sort of gay houseboy... anyway... blah blah blah... finds Jackie Chan... he kicks a couple of asses... blah blah blah... falls in love... blah blah blah... chick hates jackie chan goes home... blah blah blah... Jackie Chan really loves her brings her 'pot rice' smooches for all...
MP: You just gave away the whole story!
M: That's the point... anyway the high points are the couple of Jackie Chan fights. One viewer on The Internet Movie DataBase Rates the movie as quite touching and I can only read that as meaning he is touched in the head.
MP: You forget... apparently the leading lady is some sort of Cantonese pornstar.
M: You're right... I haven't been able to confirm this... and I'm not sure what Cantonese porn consists of, but anyone with a film credits to her name of Love: Amoeba Style and The Fruit Is Swelling has got to be questionable.
MP: But she's totally hot.
M: You're entitled to your own opinion... but I think I would have rather have thrown my money down the sewer than see that movie... Stick to other Jackie Chan flicks such as Thunderbolt and Drunken Master 2 That's it for now. Tune in for our next Monkey, MonkeyPoint
MP: Jackie Chan Rules!

August 22, 2000: Romeo Must Die

MONKEY: Today we review the movie Romeo Must Die Staring Jet Li, Aaliyah and Russell Wong. We watched the movie because we thought that it was a classic tale of forbidden romance in a theme popularized by Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. NOT!! We watched it because it was available as a pirated VCD (that our "friend" had) and we wanted to see Jet Li kick some ass. This one didn't really live up to our expectations.
MONKEYPOINT: How can you go wrong with a action movie starring Jet Li and a hip hop soundtrack?
M: Had the director and producer stuck to that theme, the movie might have been better. However, they chose to develop a love story between two members of opposing crime families Trish O'Day (Aaliyah) and Jet Li (Jet Li).
MP: What's wrong with a little love?? All the great movies have it in some form or another?
M: That's a good point, but there is absolutely no chemistry between Aaliyah and Jet Li. In fact, Jet Li is too old for Aaliyah. He's old enough to be her dad. The movie should have been titled "Romeo Needs to Get With Someone His Own Damn Age".
MP: Having older leading actors playing a romantic interest to a younger female actress isn't necessarily bad, like Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta-Jones in Entrapment.
M: Well put, there is some cradle robbing goin' on in Entrapment but remember, Sean Connery is a superb actor ... Catherine Zeta-Jones is totally hot, did you see that ass shot that's in all the previews. Jet Li is a martial arts master who mostly kicks ass and Aaliyah is a hip hop music star, hardly comparable to Connery and Zeta-Jones.
MP: Well you can't forget the impecable acting skills of the original Vanishing Goat, Russel Wong.
M: Anyway, the action sequences were pretty well done and very creative. There are some pretty good martial arts sequences interspersed throughout the movie. Just not enough. If you have time and can look beyond bad acting, this might be a fun movie to watch. However, a better Jet Li movie is Lethal Weapon 4.

December 17, 2001: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

MONKEY: After a long hiatus, we finally get off our monkey asses and review another movie. Today we saw Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, based on the internationally best selling children's novel by J.K. Rowling. A must see for all of those with children or with a child within.(I mean having an inner child, not being pregnant, although I don't why you couldn't see it if you were pregnant.)
MONKEYPOINT: Let's summarize the plot for all of those of you who have been living in a hole and don't know who Harry Potter is.
M: I'll let you do that because you've read the book like fifty times. I bet you could recite it from memory.
MP: Nothing wrong with that. I'm just a fan. Anyway... all Harry knows is a miserable life with the Dursleys, his miserable uncle and aunt, and their abominable son, Dudley. Harry's room is a tiny closet at the foot of the stairs, and he hasn't had a birthday party in eleven years. But all that is about to change when a mysterious letter arrives by owl messenger: a letter to a wonderful place he never dreamed existed. There he finds not only friends, aerial sports, and magic around every...
M: What are you doing!?
MP: What do you mean?
M: What do you have in your hand!? Is that the book!? You're reading from the back of the book!
MP: No I'm not I just happen to be holding the book.
M: Liar! Give me that! Were you about say that magic lies around every corner and a great destiny and so on and so on!!
MP: Uh, no
M: You are so pathetic, do you even know the story? I thought you've read the book so many times!
MP: I have, I swear!
M: Then tell me what kind of animal Fluffy is in the book!
MP: Uh, a cat?
M: It'a three headed dog! Are you smoking the crack again?!
MP: *SOB* Okay, fine! I haven't read the book, not even once. I can't read! *whimper* *SOB*
M: *sigh* Another good movie, ruined by dumbass over here.
MP: *sob*

January 1, 2002: Evolution

MONKEY: Happy New Year! Today on this inaugural day of the new year we rented Evolution staring David Duchovney, Julianne Moore, Orlando Jones, Seann William Scott, with cameo by Dan Aykroyd. We thought this sci-fi/comedy/action feature had some potential from the few clips we saw on television. We were wrong. We have not seen such a bad movie since... well since David Duchovney's last non-X-files film, Playing God. I don't suppose you can expect all that much from the star of American Pie(a good movie) and Dude, Where's my Car?(Didn't even bother). Julianne Moore did provide some eye candy, and it's nice to know that Orlando Jones can be funny, even it is only when he's not talking about 7-Up.
MONKEYPOINT: As a sign of the quality of the movie, my personal favorite line was, "Give me back my friend, you big sphincter!" delivered by David Duchovney while administering a five hundred gallon Head and Shoulders enema to an alien.
M: The movie did show a bit of cool animation. I would have to give that a thumbs up as it's strong point.
MP: Unfortunately that means the weak point of the movie was, well, the rest of the movie. Another $3.79 lost to the Blockbuster Monster, and another hour and forty-two minutes of my life I'll never get back.
M: That reminds me, you owe me for the movie and those Milkduds, you stiffed me the last three times.
MP: I'll pay ya back next Tuesday, I swear. G'night everybody

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DISCLAIMER:
Some of the information above has been cannibalized in part from The Internet Movie DataBase. Most of it is just the opinion of the reviewer. You didn't ask us, we're telling you anyway.