Say What

I'm a quotation afficionado (sp?) I have been collecting quotations for a while, and you might find one of these on an email message if you get it from me. They are for the most part amusing (at least to me), but there's a couple of "deep" quotations hidden in there. Email me a quotation if you want to. Be warned, I've read a lot of them, I don't remember them all, but i do know what warms my quirky sense of humor. (Also, even though I make the mistake myself sometimes, "quotation" is the noun, "quote" is a verb -- it listed in the dictonary as both a noun and a verb, but is most properly just a verb.) Here goes, there's a lot of them.

P.S. Some of these may offend some people. I don't know which ones... I don't know your sensitivities, but chill out. I warned ya.

If I've misquoted someone, or not credited the correct speaker let me know Send me evidence if you have it. I'm not perfect... usually.

"Temper is a quality that at a critical moment brings out the best in steel and the worst in people." --William P. Grohse

All great deeds and all great thoughts have a ridiculous beginning. Great works are often born on a street corner or in a restaurant's revolving door. -- Albert Camus(1913 - 1960)

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first. -- David Comins

"A smart person knows all the rules so he can break them wisely." -- Lubna Azmi

"It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water." -- Franklin P. Jones

"Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we've set aside enough money to pay for our kids' therapy." --Michelle Pfeiffer

Faith is a powerful thing. It often shuts off the rational mind.

If we choose, we can live in a world of comforting illusion. --Noam Chomsky

Women want mediocre men. and men are working hard to become as mediocre as possible. --Margaret Mead

"Manners are like the zero in arithmetic; they may not be much in themselves, but they are capable of adding a great deal to the value of everything else." --Freya Stark

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. --Dorothy Parker (1893 - 1967)

Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. -- Robin Williams

The nicest thing is to open the newspapers and not to find yourself in them. --George Harrison (1943 - 2001)

"Gossip needn't be false to be evil -- there's a lot of truth that shouldn't be passed around." --Frank A. Clark

"I knew we were in for a long season when we lined up for the national anthem on opening day and one of my players said, 'Every time I hear that song I have a bad game.'" -- Jim Leyland

"You know your children have grown up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they are going." - Unknown

If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you. -- Winnie the Pooh

It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar. -- Jerome K. Jerome (1859-1927)

"The people who say you are not facing reality actually mean that you are not facing their idea of reality." -- Margaret Halsey

It's easy to be independent when you've got money. But to be independent when you haven't got a thing -- that's the Lord's test. -- Mahalia Jackson

"If you want to be on good terms with women, knock at the door of their vanity, and you will always find them at home." --Max O'Rell

"Love is not blind; it is an extra eye, which shows us what is most worthy of regard." --James Matthew Barrie

"You're more than just a collection of annoying, loosely bundled neuroses. There are some entertaining, tightly wound psychoses in there, too." - Unknown

"Life was so much easier when your clothes didn't match and boys had cooties!" - Unknown

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Love and a cough cannot be hid. -- George Herbert

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners." -- Jeff Stilson

The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat. -- Albert Einstein

"Most women set out to change a man, and when they have changed him, they do not like him." -- Marlene Dietrich

"Men are gluttons for punishment. They fight over women for the chance to fight with them." -- Vincent Price

It is strange the way the ignorant and inexperienced so often and so undeservedly succeed when the informed and the experienced fail. -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Sometimes I need what only you can provide - your absence. - Ashleigh Ellwood Brilliant

Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great - Comte de Bussy-Rabutin

When your absence has the authority of your presence, that is power. - Harriet Rubin

"The magic of first love is the ignorance that it can never end." --Benjamin Disraeli

The desire to take medicine is perhaps the greatest feature which distinguishes men from animals. -- Sir William Osler

I banish fear with two words: You Lead. - Demetri Kolokotronis

What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies.-Aristotle

"He was scared of human emotion, but he did know doughnuts." - Singer Michael Jackson, talking about his father

Many people hear voices when no-one is there. Some of them are called mad and are shut up on rooms where they stare at the walls all day. Others are called writers and they do pretty much the same thing. - Meg Chittenden

"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day, because that means it's going to be up all night." -- Steven Wright

"I love creating stars. To some extent I have done that with Ivana. To a certain extent I have done that with Marla. I have really given a lot of women great opportunity. Unfortunately, after they are a star, the fun is over for me." -- Donald Trump

When they say, 'I love you.' -- Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat."

The oldest, shortest words -- "yes' and "no" -- are those which require the most thought. --Pythagoras

One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries. --A. A. Milne

"The factory of the future will be run by a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to make sure the man doesn't touch the machines." - Dr. Barry Asmus

If you think there are no new frontiers, watch a boy ring the front doorbell on his first date. -- Olin Miller

"She had lost the art of conversation but not, unfortunately, the power of speech." - George Barnard Shaw

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research. - Wilson Mizner, 1876 - 1933

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. -- Wernher von Braun

I must use beautiful words, I never know when I might have to eat them. - Everett McKinley Dirksen, 1896 - 1969

Should we all confess our sins to one another we would all laugh at one another for our lack of originality. Should we all reveal our virtues we would also laugh for the same cause. --Khalil Gibran

"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early." - Charles Lamb

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -- Robert Benchley

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves." -- August Strindberg

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." -- Fran Lebowitz

A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses. - Henry Louis Mencken

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe." - Jimmy Durante

An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind. -- Buddha

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them. -- William Clayton

If it really is the thought that counts, then I have a big jump on this year's holiday shopping. --George Laster

The Middle-Aged Teapot Song: I'm a middle-aged man, short and stout./ Here is my beer gut, here is my pouch./ When I get all steamed up, hear me shout, /"Where's my remote? It was on the couch!" --Jim Rosenberg

"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed." - Charles M. Schulz

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe. -- H.G. Wells

I got the blues thinking of the future, so I left off and made some marmalade. It's amazing how it cheers one up to shred oranges and scrub the floor. - David Herbert Lawrence (1885 - 1930)

I like to write when I feel spiteful; it's like having a good sneeze. - David Herbert Lawrence (1885 - 1930)

The road to a friend's house is never long. - Danish proverb

And the wind shall say: Here were decent godless people. Their only monument the asphalt road. And a thousand lost golf balls. - T. S. Eliot, 1885 - 1968

I wish I could give you a lot of advice, based on my experience of winning political debates. But I don't have that experience. My only experience is at losing them. - Richard M. Nixon

"It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper." - Rod Serling

"When I was younger, I was never really insecure at all. Now I sometimes get insecure because people expect celebrities to look a certain way. And there are mornings I wake up and my butt feels fat." -Britney Spears, Age 19

"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic??" -- Lily Tomlin

I think it would be cool to be reincarnated as an exotic animal like a Bengal Tiger or a Black Rhinoceros. However, it would suck when you realized that your sole purpose in life was to die so some Asian guy could get an erection. --Eddie Butt

Although I was never a religious person, I did say a prayer for my mom when she went in for surgery last week. I'm sure even God can relate to emergency breast enlargement. --Jarrod Perry

The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment. -- Warren Bennis

"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something." -- Jackie Mason

"Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution?" -- Groucho Marx

There are two things that are more difficult than making an after-dinner speech: climbing a wall which is leaning toward you and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you. --Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

"If there hadn't been women we'd still be squatting in a cave eating raw meat, because we made civilization in order to impress our girl friends." -- Orson Welles

"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all." - - Rodney Dangerfield

To fight and conquer in all your battles is not supreme excellence; supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting. -- Sun Tzu

"Laughter and tears are meant to turn the wheels of the same machinery of sensibility; one is wind-power, and the other water-power; that is all." -- Oliver Wendell Holmes

"Jealousy is like a hot pepper. Use it mildly, and you add spice to the relationship. Use too much of it and it can burn." -- Ayala Pines

On second thought, I think I am more crazy than my goat. -- Remedios Varo

No drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the sources of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed, and love of power. -- P.J. O'Rourke

The misery of a child is interesting to a mother, the misery of a young man is interesting to a young woman, the misery of an old man is interesting to nobody. -- Eric Hoffer, 1902 - 1983

"I grew up in the suburbs in a neighborhood that was not very tough at all. Even our school bully was only passively aggressive. He wouldn't take your lunch, he'd just say, 'You're gonna eat all that?'" -- Brian Kiley

Sign in an office building washroom: "Toilet out of order. Please use floor below."

"Watch the way men express physical intimacy. We don't just hug and hold. What we do is hug with one arm, and with the other we pat on the back. That's basically saying, 'Yeah, I'm hugging you, but I'm also hitting ya!'" -- Lew Schneider

Youth is the best time to be rich; and the best time to be poor. -- Euripides, 484 - 406 BC

I like to buy women a lot of drinks, not so much to lessen their inhibitions as to lower their standards. --Damon R. Milhem

Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three - and paradise is when you have none. - Doug Larson

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone. - Elayne Boosler

I don't use drugs, my dreams are frightening enough. - Mauritis Cornelius Escher

Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some. - Alfred Hitchcock

"There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson." - Bart Simpson (from "The Simpsons")

Resolution of Board of Councilmen, Canton, MS, mid 1800's: 1. Resolved, by this council, that we build a new jail. 2. Resolved, that the new jail be built out of materials of the old jail. 3. Resolved, that the old jail be used until the new jail is finished.

A beautiful lady is an accident of nature. A beautiful old lady is a work of art. - Louis Nizer

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. - Groucho Marx

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. - Darrin Weinberg

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy. - Henry Kissinger

"Anyone with an ailment or who wears glasses or anyone slightly different suddenly wears a bull's eye. I think that dodgeball derailed an entire generation of Americans. It's the true red menace." - Film director Art Jones, who directed Dodgeball, a mock-documentary criticizing the game.

Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast. - Oscar Wilde

The breakfast of champions is not cereal, it's the opposition. - Nick Seitz

If I could be any concept, I would be infinity, 'cause man, you don't get any bigger than that! --Tom Sims

Those who suppress freedom always do so in the name of law and order. --John V. Lindsay

We ought never to do wrong when people are looking. - Mark Twain

Children are innocent and love justice, while most adults are wicked and prefer mercy. --G. K. Chesterton

It is the test of a good religion whether you can make a joke about it. --G. K. Chesterton

Old age is fifteen years older than I am. - Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr

If a man have a genius for painting, poetry, music, architecture, or philosophy, he makes a bad husband, and an ill provider. --Ralph Waldo Emerson

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves. - From 'The Wisdom of Will Rogers'

"In school I was never the class clown, but more the class trapeze artist, as I was always being suspended." - Emo Philips

"The indispensable first step to getting the things you want out of life is this; decide what you want." -Ben Stein

"There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate." -Charles Dickens

I, for one, get rather annoyed when I settle into a nice bubble bath with some Belgian chocolate and a mystery at my side only to discover that all of the characters in the latter are still alive at the end. - Miriam Nadel

People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better press than people who are just funny and smart. - Howard Simons

The young always have the same problem - how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this by defying their parents and copying one another. - Quentin Crisp

One of the most difficult things to contend with in a hospital is the assumption on the part of the staff that because you have lost your gall bladder you have also lost your mind. - Jean Kerr

"All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner." - Red Skelton

Dignity does not consist in possessing honors, but in deserving them. -- Aristotle

"Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents which, in prosperous circumstances, would have lain dormant." -Horace

"Bankers sometimes look on politicians as people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, order more tunnel." -John Quinton

An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger. --Dan Rather

On the outskirts of every agony sits some observant fellow who points. - Virginia Woolf

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one? -- Andy Rooney

It's funny how art means different things to people. When I listen to Johnny Cash sing about a burning ring of fire, I always think of Indian food. --Bob Van Voris

The human language is like a cracked kettle on which we beat out a tune for a dancing bear, when we hope with our music to move the stars. - Gustave Flaubert

"Ours is the age which is proud of machines that think and suspicious of men who try to." -Howard Mumford Jones

"The conventional view serves to protect us from the painful job of thinking." -J. K. Galbraith

"Failures are divided into two classes -- those who thought and never did, and those who did and never thought." -John Charles Salak

"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans." -Ronald Reagan

"A child becomes an adult when he realizes that he has a right not only to be right but also to be wrong." -Thomas Szasz

My own suspicion is that the universe is not only stranger than we suppose, but stranger than we can suppose. -- John Haldane

America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair. - Arnold Toynbee

I don't pretend to understand the Universe. It's a great deal bigger than I am. -- Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881)

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. - Lily Tomlin

We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. - Plato

So long as governments set the example of killing their enemies, private citizens will occasionally kill theirs. --Elbert Hubbard

Love truth, but pardon error. - Voltaire

"Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils: People who shouldn't drink with people that shouldn't sing." - Tom Dreesen

The most popular labor-saving device is still money. - Phyllis George

When a man says he approves of something in principle, it means he hasn't the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice. --Otto von Bismarck

Where does the family start? It starts with a young man falling in love with a girl - no superior alternative has yet been found. - Winston Churchill

"One has a right to judge a man by the effect he has over his friends." -Oscar Wilde

"Love is a thirst that one cannot quench without becoming intoxicated." -Sydney Tremayne

"Like Spider-Man, the Pope has incredible compassion for the human spirit." -Joe Quesada, editor-in-chief of Marvel Comics, commenting on a comic book featuring the Pope as its "superhero."

Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock. - John Barrymore

There are only two things a child will share willingly - communicable diseases and his mother's age. -- Dr. Benjamin Spock

"I don't mind if you sleep in class. Only, please do not snore. You are disturbing others who are trying to sleep." - Dr. C. Rao, University of Wisconsin-Whitewater

"According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a women are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men: they're a bunch of liars." - Jay Leno

"The brave don't live forever, but the cautious don't live at all." -Timothy Luce

I always turn to the sports pages first, which records people's accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures. --Chief Justice Earl Warren

"I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks." - Groucho Marx

"The only way to have safe sex is to abstain. From drinking." - Wendy Liebman

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." -Frank Sinatra

Competition can damage self-esteem, create anxiety, and lead to cheating and hurt feelings. But so can romantic love. - Mariah Burton Nelson

Second grade was when I finally learned I could cuss quietly to myself and not get into trouble. --Katie Munson

The universe is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper. -- Eden Phillpotts

"Prayer is less about changing the world than it is about changing ourselves." -David J. Wolpe

Kids today have so many advantages I never had. There's no telling what I could've accomplished with a home computer and a handgun. --LeMel Hebert-Williams

I've got a feeling that my utter contempt for those who know less than me will come in real handy when I become a teacher. --Nick Ehart

I wish I were less awkward around strangers. I never know what to say when someone asks me who I am and what the hell I'm doing in their house. --Andy Ihnatko

Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life. -- George Bernard Shaw

The universe is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper. - Eden Phillpotts

I'm a strict vegetarian, between meals. During meals, not so strict. --Bill Muse

Talent is like electricity - we do not understand electricity. We use it. ---Maya Angelou

A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song. -- Maya Angelou

Quickly, bring me a beaker of wine, so that I may wet my mind and say something clever. - Aristophanes

I hate the country, all those animals walking around un-cooked.

"Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without having asked any clear question." -Albert Camus

"Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside." -- Mark Twain

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. - Ambrose Redmoon

The proper office of a friend is to side with you when you are in the wrong. Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right. -- Mark Twain

In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. -- Martin Luther King, Jr.

You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair. --Chinese Proverb

A good novel tells you the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells you the truth about its author. - Gilbert Keith Chesterton

What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. - Augustus Saint-Gaudens, Reminiscences

When I'm working on a problem, I never think about beauty. I think only how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong. -- Richard Buckminster Fuller

The only man who is really free is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse. - Jule Renard

I've got the best of both worlds -- My mom's eyes and my Dad's PIN #. --Jim Rosenberg

"You only have power over people so long as you don't take everything away from them. But when you've robbed a man of everything he's no longer in your power -- he's free again." -Alexander Solzhenitsyn

We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another. -- Jonathan Swift

"Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom." -General George Patton

"The man who never alters his opinions is like standing water, and breeds reptiles of the mind." -William Blake

"I mean, if I'm meant to live life in perpetually asexual bliss, then honey, I wanna burn." - Former model and actress Mimi Langeland, on the Pope's claim that there was to be no sex in heaven.

We are in the world to laugh. In purgatory or in hell we shall no longer be able to do so. And in heaven it would not be proper. - Jules Renard

Whenever someone hits me, I'm all like "I'm gonna pop a cap in yo' ass!", but it always comes out sounding like "Owwww!!" --Rob Ahnemann

"The young always have the same problem -- how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this by defying their parents and copying one another." -- Quentin Crisp

"It is an interesting question how far men would retain their relative rank if they were divested of their clothes." -- Henry David Thoreau

"My wife keeps telling me I shouldn't eat cookies for breakfast because too much sugar in the morning makes me irritable. I don't know why she can't get it through her think skull that cookie dough *isn't* cookies." - Dave Brennan

"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?" - Groucho Marx

A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name. - Evan Esar

'Compromise' is the art of giving your opponent that which he is not powerful enough to take. - Harlon Carter

Character may be manifested in the great moments, but it is made in the small ones. - Phillips Brooks

"I hated math. Math teachers would ask me questions. 'Mr. Kinney, can you tell us the common denominator here?' Yeah, we all think this sucks." - David Kinney

The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more. - Woody Allen

"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure." -Mark Twain

I was wise enough to never grow up while fooling most people into believing I had. --Margaret Mead

A man is not honest simply because he never had a chance to steal. -- Yiddish proverb

Two things a man cannot hide: that he is drunk, and that he is in love. - Antiphanes

"You can either take action, or you can hang back and hope for a miracle. Miracles are great, but they are so unpredictable." -- Peter Drucker

Treason doth never prosper. What's the reason? Why, when it prospers, none dare call it treason. - Sir John Harrington

A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. --Zsa Zsa Gabor

"Everbody wants to save the earth - nobody wants to help Mom to do the dishes." - P. J. O'Rourke

Emotional sickness is avoiding reality at any cost. Emotional health is facing reality at any cost. --M. Scott Peck

It is necessary to work, if not from inclination, at least from despair. Everything considered, work is less boring than amusing oneself. - Charles Baudelaire

There's a mighty thin line between confidence and cluelessness. --Cathy Sachs

"Chop your own wood, and it will warm you twice." -Henry Ford

"There are some beautiful people here tonight. I should've worn tighter pants." - Songwriter Randy Newman, at the Billboard Music Awards.

Aristotle taught that the brain exists merely to cool the blood and is not involved in the process of thinking. This is true only of certain persons. - Will Cuppy

"Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions -- it only guarantees equality of opportunity." -- Irving Kristol

My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me. -- Sir Winston Churchill

Despite the warnings of the ancient Greeks - nothing in excess - there are a few things in the world that you just can't have too much of. In addition to currency, I would mention, in no particular order, health, warm weather, ice-cream flavors, free time, second chances, and good taste. - Joe McGarvey, Inter@ctive Week

Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let othAer people spend it for you. --Carl Sandburg

You must not fight too often with one enemy, or you will teach him all your art of war. - Napoleon Bonaparte

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon Bonaparte

I learned in business that you had to be very careful when you told somebody that's working for you to do something, because the chances were very high he'd do it. In government, you don't have to worry about that. - George Pratt Shultz

"Some can trace their family back three hundred years, but can't tell you where their children are tonight." - Lawrence Brotherton

It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office. - Shirley MacLaine

No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or so good as drink. - Gilbert Keith Chesterton

"I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home." - W. C. Fields

I need to get a new job. All the negativity at the photo lab is really getting me down. --mayboy

"To be without some of the things you want is an indispensable part of happiness." -Bertrand Russell

I have every sympathy with the American who was so horrified by what he had read about the effects of smoking that he gave up reading. - Henry G. Strauss

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. - Oscar Wilde

Once a woman has forgiven her man, she must not reheat his sins for breakfast. - Marlene Dietrich

"A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age." -Robert Frost

"I love Viagra. I don't need it, but I tried it. It's a great legal drug." --Kenny Rogers

Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny. - Kin Hubbard

Sign seen in a veterinarian's office: "All children left unattended will be given a free kitten."

"I would rather be a coward than brave because people hurt you when you are brave." -- E. M. Forster

"I'm convinced the Beatles are partly responsible for the fall of Communism." -Milos Forman, Film Director

"What does lung cancer in 20 years mean to a hallucinating patient now?" - Dr. John Bachman, explaining why institutions "reward" mentally ill patients with cigarettes.

"Sometimes I just get so frustrated by the rush hour traffic that I slam my head on the steering wheel. That's usually followed by the bus driver telling me to get out." - J. Hutter

"My childhood was rough. Once for my birthday, my old man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away." - Rodney Dangerfield

Life is a never-ending series of trials. The best we can do is wear a tie and hope the judge shows leniency. --Nick Leggatt

"Some of the world's greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible." -Doug Larson

So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. - Will Rogers

Don't wake me for the end of the world unless it has very good special effects. - Roger Zelazny

"When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear." -- Mark Twain

"Just when you think you got the world on a string, someone comes by with a pair of scissors." --Gerie

My dominatrix has a birthday soon. I think I'll just buy her a gag gift. --J. Hutter

Christmas is the season when people run out of money before they run out of friends. - Larry Wilde

"Sometimes I lie awake at night in my bed and I watch the stars, and I wonder, where the heck is my ceiling?" - Tiffany-Joanne

Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy. - Spike Milligan

"It does not matter who votes that counts; it is who counts the votes." - Joseph Stalin

After all these years, I've finally gotten in touch with my inner child - and realized that he is "way" overdue for a diaper change. - Michael Hayward

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

When you have robbed a man of everything, he is no longer in your power. He is free again. -- Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

"Life is a joke that has just begun." - Unknown

"Anywhere is walking distance if you've got the time." -- Steven Wright

"I got an "A" in philosophy because I proved my professor didn't exist." -- Judy Tenuta

So last week I'm lying on the operating table and what does my surgeon keep doing? Washing his hands! "Just my luck," I think, "an obsessive-compulsive doctor!" -- Chris MacEachen

Forget cigarettes -- Donut Country is where the *real* flavor is. - Yuri Reeve

"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change." -Carl Rodgers

"Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?" - Unknown

"Animals are reliable, many full of love, true in their affections, predictable in their actions, grateful and loyal. Difficult standards for people to live up to." -- Alfred A. Montapert

Always behave like a duck - keep calm and unruffled on the surface but paddle like the devil underneath. - Jacob Braude

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You, too? Thought I was the only one." - Clive Staples Lewis

Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you'd have preferred to talk. - Doug Larson

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, "I'm from the government and I'm here to help." - Ronald Wilson Reagan

Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by incompetence. - Napoleon Bonaparte

"First love is a kind of vaccination which saves a man from catching the complaint a second time." -Honore de Balzac

Holidays stress me out. Do you know how difficult it is to wrap a human head? -Kathleen Oyanadel

I would rather live in a world where my life is surrounded by mystery than live in a world so small that my mind could comprehend it. - Harry Emerson Fosdick

"When it first came on, it was just like 'Oh, my God. A twenty-four-hour cooking channel.' I think that ended my whole social life right there. I became a f---ing recluse." -- SLASH (from Guns and Roses) on his love for the Food Network

"The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him." -Robert Benchley

"Psychiatrists classify a person as neurotic if he suffers from his problems in living, and as psychotic if he makes others suffer." -Thomas Szasz

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter. - Winston Churchill

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. - Albert Einstein

"I know the difference between sadist and masochist... but you're going to have to beat it out of me." - Scott Leiter

"Seeing the wonder of the universe is as simple as looking through the eyes of a child. But catching a child and removing their eyes -- now *that's* the hard part." - Charles Gulledge

Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction. - Antoine de Saint-Exupiry

We look forward to the time when the power to love will replace the love of power. Then will our world know the blessings of peace. - William Edwart Gladstone

"Nobody to seemed to care when I came home and shouted the good news: 'I got the part, I got the part!' Makes me think I should have been an actor instead of a mechanic." - J. Hutter

"Any woman who says she doesn't use her feminine abilities at any point in her life to get something she wants probably is not being honest." - Cameron Diaz

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. - Catherine Aird

Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams. - Mary Ellen Kelly

Being in politics is like being a football coach; you have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important. - Eugene McCarthy

"I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck." - George Carlin

"A few months ago I told the American people I did not trade arms for hostages. My heart and my best intentions still tell me that's true, but the facts and the evidence tell me it is not." - President Ronald Reagan, on the Iran hostage deal

"The most pathetic person in the world is someone who has sight, but has no vision." -- Helen Adams Keller

"There is danger in reckless change, but greater danger in blind conservatism." - Henry George

"Any man who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn

I have no trouble with my enemies. I can take care of my enemies all right. But my damn friends . . . They're the ones that keep me walking the floor nights! --Warren G. Harding

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it. --John Ruskin

I tried to get in touch with my inner child but he isn't allowed to talk to strangers.

A barrel full of monkeys may be a lot of fun, but nothing matches the sheer unadulterated pleasure of a toilet full of weasels. --Jason R. Getter

"I wish I were telepathic. Not just to read people's minds, which would be cool, but to cut down on my cellular phone bill." - Paul Wiley

"Fish, to taste good, must swim three times: in water, in butter, and in wine." -- Polish Proverb

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. - Tallulah Bankhead

In times like these, it is helpful to remember that there have always been times like these. - Paul Harvey

Tobacco, coffee, alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine, are weak dilutions; the surest poison is time. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. -- Fred Allen

We think sometimes that poverty is only being hungry, naked and homeless. The poverty of being unwanted, unloved and uncared for is the greatest poverty. We must start in our own homes to remedy this kind of poverty. - Mother Teresa

A barrel full of monkeys may be a lot of fun, but nothing matches the sheer unadulterated pleasure of a toilet full of weasels. --Jason R. Getter

The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires. - Dorothy Parker

"We believe we are already within a democratic system. Some factors are still missing, like the expression of the people's will." --President Roberto Eduardo Viola of Argentina Time magazine interview, September 1982

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision. -- Blake Clark

He may be president. but he still comes home and swipes my socks. - Joseph P. Kennedy

"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are that good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats." -Howard Aiken

"The primary sign of a well-ordered mind is a man's ability to remain in one place and linger in his own company." -Seneca

"Many a women who thinks she has purchased a dress for the ridiculous price has actually bought it for an absurd figure." - Donna Eaker

I had a big project at work, and my boss told me to give it the old college try. So I did: I drank until I passed out and woke up next to a confused sheep. --James Konow

"I just got one of those new devices that make my cell phone 'hands free.' Now I can get back to eating and drinking when I drive." - Gloria Steinem

History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives. - Abba Eban

The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations. - David Friedman

"It is far easier to fail if nobody knows you have." - Michael Avery

"The only graceful way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you can't ignore it, top it. If you can't top it, laugh at it. If you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved." -John Russell Lynes Jr

"Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is." -- Sir Francis Bacon

To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult; our human loneliness is cause enough. But it is a hard quest worth making to find a comrade through whose steady presence one becomes steadily the person one desires to be. -Anna Louise Strong

"It's never too late to have a happy childhood." -- Wayne W. Dyer

"The global importance of the Middle East is that it keeps the Far East and the Near East from encroaching on each other." - former vice president Dan Quayle

"Those who give you a serpent when you ask for a fish, may have nothing but serpents to give. It is then generosity on their part." -Kahlil Gibran

"Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity." -- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Ever notice that 'what the hell' is always the right decision? - Marilyn Monroe

"A zebra does not change its spots." - Vice President Al Gore

"I think the pilot on my last trip was pretty new to his job. I base that on his pre-flight announcement, 'We're going to be taking off in a few... Whoa, here we go!'" - Unknown

"We experience moments absolutely free from worry. These brief respites are known as panic." -- Cullen Hightower

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself. --Leo Tolstoy

"Animals are such agreeable friends, they ask no questions, they pass no criticisms." -- George Eliot

Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. --Oscar Wilde

"He wrote me sad Mother's Day stories. He'd always kill me in the stories and tell me how bad he felt about it. It was enough to bring a tear to a mother's eye." - Connie Zastoupil, mother of Quentin Tarentino

"My grandmother is over 80 and still doesn't need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle." - Henny Youngman

When some folks agree with my opinions I begin to suspect I'm wrong. - Kin Hubbard

"A horse may be forced to drink, but a pencil must be lead." - Stan Laurel

"Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything." -- Ivana Trump, upon finishing her first novel

If you start throwing hedgehogs under me, I shall throw a couple of porcupines under you. - Nikita Khrushchev

"I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate." - Phyllis Diller

"To me, a good woman is like a fine wine. Except for the part about trampling on them with your feet and bottling them up in a cellar for years on end, 'cos that's just sick, man." - Paul Hancox

"We have nothing against ideas. We're against people spreading them." - General Augusto Pinochet of Chile

"I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers." - Woody Allen

If pleasures are greatest in anticipation, just remember that this is also true of trouble. - Elbert Hubbard

Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run. - Mark Twain

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. - Susan Ertz

The journet of a thousand miles begins with a single step, and ends after 1,760,482 steps -- Gargoyle Magazine, 1995

You could breeze through most of the day, if you were made of wind. -- Gargoyle Magazine, 1995

Nothing is better than happiness, but a ham sandwich is better than nothing. -- Gargoyle Magazine, 1995

The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails. - William Arthur Ward

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. - H. L. Mencken

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. - James Thurber

No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens. - Abraham Lincoln

"I love boxing. Where else do two grown men prance around in satin underwear, fighting over a belt? ... The one who wins gets a purse. They do it in gloves. It's the accessory connection I love." - John McGovern

I always tell people that I became a writer not because I went to school but because my mother took me to the library. I wanted to become a writer so I could see my name in the card catalog. - Sandra Cisneros

Love teaches even asses to dance. - French proverb

"It's sad how times change. Years ago people would leave their doors unlocked and their windows open. Nowadays I have to force an entry." - Paul Hancox

"I intend to open this country up to democracy, and anyone who is against that, I will jail, I will crush." - General Joao Baptista Figueiredo, elected president of Brazil in 1979

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. --Redd Foxx

"Sometimes I get the feeling that the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral." - Robert Orben

"A guy came up to me the other day and said, 'I'm gonna kick your ass.' But Floppy was just lapping from the pool, minding his own business, so the guy went off and beat up some other guy's mule instead." - Paul Hancox

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles

An anesthesiologist is a doctor who works in the operating room to delay your pain until such time as you get his bill.

"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office." -Robert Frost

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made." -- Groucho Marx

"I got so frustrated with the infernal contraption that I traded it for a dog, and SHOT the dog." - Mark Twain

"What makes me tick? I don't know, but the noise is driving me nuts." - Michael Hayward

I think someone should invent Beerguard, because how often do you actually spill Scotch on the carpet?

"There's a statistical theory that if you gave a million monkeys typewriters and set them to work, they'd eventually come up with the complete works of Shakespeare. Thanks to the Internet, we now know this isn't true." - Ian Hart

If you can't convince them, confuse them. - Harry S. Truman

"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."

Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives. - Charles William Dement

"I know it can be done," an old New England ship carpenter once said about a difficult job of construction. When asked how he knew, he replied, "Don't ask me so many questions - I can't understand all I know." --Unknown

"Alcohol is good for you. My grandfather proved it irrevocably. He drank two quarts of booze every mature day of his life and lived to the age of 103. I was at the cremation - that fire would not go out." - Dave Astor

"Things are so bad in our town that the police department has an unlisted telephone number." - Shante White

I would never die for my beliefs, because I might be wrong. -- Bertrand Russell

"A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him or her." --David Brinkley

"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer." - Douglas Adams

I don't use drugs, my dreams are frightening enough. - Mauritis Cornelius Escher

"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target."

One should forgive one's enemies, but not before they are hanged. -Heintich Heine

Hard work will pay off later. Laziness pays off now.

"Alyssa Milano has formed a company called Cybertrackers that surfs the web for unauthorized nude photos of celebrities. "This is the second such group, the first being 'men'." - Jim Rosenberg

Accuracy is to a newspaper what virtue is to a lady, but a newspaper can always print a retraction. - Adlai E. Stevenson

One of TV's great contributions is that it brought murder back into the home, where it belongs. - Alfred Hitchcock

Even though a number of people have tried, no one has yet found a way to drink for a living. - Jean Kerr

Prayers are always answered. Unfortunately, the answer is usually no.

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie

"New York City: No matter how many times I visit this great city I'm always struck by the same thing: a yellow taxi cab." - Scott Adams

"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work." -- Robert Orben

"It would be a good thing to take your bankbook to the fallout shelter with you." - Federal Reserve System suggestion

Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without.

"Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under the trees on a summer's day, listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time." - Sir John Lubbock

I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses. -- Victor Hugo

"Keep the eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterwards." -Benjamin Franklin

To write a good love letter, you ought to begin without knowing what you mean to say, and finish without knowing what you have written. - Jean Jacques Rousseau

"History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives." - Abba Eban, Israeli diplomat and statesman

"The absence of alternatives clears the mind marvelously." - Henry Kissinger

"In a general way, we try to anticipate some of your questions so that I can respond 'no comment' with some degree of knowledge." - CIA memo

"An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today." - Laurence J. Peter (1919-1990) Canadian-US educator, author

"Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists." - John Kenneth Galbraith (1908-) Canada-born U.S. economist, author, diplomat

"Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations -- six if one went to Harvard." - Edgar R. Fiedler, U.S. economist, government economic advisor

"I value the friend who for me finds time on his calendar, but I cherish the friend who for me does not consult his calendar." --Robert Brault

"Mincing your words makes it easier if you have to eat them later." --Franklin P. Jones

"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others." --Groucho Marx

"I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs." --Samuel Goldwyn

Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire. --Reggie Leach

The true test of character is not how much we know how to do, but how we behave when we don't know what to do. --John Holt

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater. - Gail Kathleen Godwin

We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct. My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough. -- Niels Bohr

Assassination is the extreme form of censorship. --George Bernard Shaw

I am always willing to learn. I do not, however, always enjoy being taught. -- Winston Churchill

Remember, people will judge you by your actions, not your intentions. You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.

"The young man knows the rules, but the old man knows the exceptions." --Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. -- David Bissonette

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before. - Mae West

When women go wrong, men go right after them. - Mae West

"Success isn't a result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire." -Arnold H. Glasow

"Charity is taking an ugly girl to lunch." -- Warren Beatty

One of the first duties of the physician is to educate the masses not to take medicine. -- Sir William Osler

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. -- Herm Albright

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's one called brightness, but it doesn't work.

If you don't find it in the index, look very carefully through the entire catalogue. - Sears, Roebuck, and Co., Consumer's Guide

Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquillity. --James Thurber

He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lampposts - for support rather than for illumination. --Andrew Lang

My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there. --Charles F. Kettering

Man must exist in a state of balance between risk and safety. Pure risk leads to self-destruction. Pure safety leads to stagnation. In between lies survival and progress.

"There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, employ someone or forbid your children to do it." --Monte Crane

"It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place." --H. L. Mencken

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

"You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions." - Naguib Mahfouz (b. 1911), Egyptian writer, winner of 1988 Nobel Prize for literature

"The function of genius is not to give new answers, but to pose new questions -- which time and mediocrity can solve." - Hugh Trevor-Roper (b. 1914), British historian, in "Men and Events"

"Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy." --Nora Ephron

"Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity." --Hanlon's Razor

"The means by which we live have outdistanced the ends for which we live. Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men." --Martin Luther King

It's a wonderful feeling when you discover some evidence to support your beliefs. --Anonymous

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes. --Henry David Thoreau

"I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him." --Mark Twain

"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things." --Woody Allen

Of course the government and the newspapers lie. But in a democracy, they're not the _same_ lies. --Steve Jackson

"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five." --Groucho Marx

Conscience warns us as a friend before it punishes as a judge. --Stanislaus Leszczynski

Q: When is a brassiere like the Salvation Army? A: When it uplifts the downfallen.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man. --Socrates

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

It may be that the race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong--but that is the way to bet. -- Damon Runyon

"A new study shows that licking the sweat off a frog can cure depression. The down side is, the minute you stop licking, the frog gets depressed again." -- Jay Leno

"A bore is a person who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company." --John MacDonald in 'The Turquoise Lament', 1973

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. --Robert A. Heinlein

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do. --Will Rogers

Reality is something you rise above. --Liza Minnelli

The problem with reality is the lack of background music. - -Joe Hickman

"People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs." --Anonymous

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." --Hippolyte Taine

"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer." --Bruce Graham

"The psychic task which a person can and must set for himself is not to feel secure, but to be able to tolerate insecurity." - Erich Fromm

It's not that good help is hard to find, it's just that bad help is so hard to get rid of. --Mike Sergent

"The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy!" --Margaret Mead

"In life you are given two ends, one to think with and the other to sit on. Your success in life depends on which end you use most. Heads you win, tails you lose." --Conrad Burns, US Senator - Montana

Much can be achieved with a smile. Admittedly, much more can be achieved with a smile and a big stick.

"There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation."

"You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R." --Dennis Miller

God: Whew! I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth. Angel: What are you going to do now? God: I think I'll call it a day.

If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?

"I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong." --Benjamin Franklin

"There is only one good substitute for the endearments of a sister, and that is the endearments of some other fellow's sister." - Josh Billings

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces. --Will Rogers

"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." --Erica Jong

"Obviously crime pays, or there'd be no crime." --G. Gordon Liddy

"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history--with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila." --Mitch Ratliffe

"Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it." --P. J. O'Rourke

To a worm, even digging in the hard ground is more relaxing than going fishing.

"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, or a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life." --Alfred D. Souza

"My name is Raquel Welch. I am here for visual effects, I have two of them." - Actress Raquel Welch, appearing as a presenter for Best Visual Effects at a previous Academy Awards ceremony.

Attention: There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting.

The most important part of a microbiologist's job is not letting the little things get to him.

"No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck." --Anonymous

"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either." --Jack Benny

"Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage." --Woody Allen

"The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his." --George Patton

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." --Oscar Wilde

It may be called puppy love, but it's real to the puppy.

I finally maneged to teach my dog to beg. Last night he came home with $15.00

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit. - the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

A smart man covers his ass, a wise man leaves his pants on. - C.D. Bailey

"Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender." -W.C. Fields

"Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves." --Homer Simpson

"Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective." --P. J. O'Rourke

"The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open." -Anonymous feminist

"My choice early in life was either to be a piano-player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference." --Harry S. Truman

"Half of the American people never read a newspaper. Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half." --Gore Vidal

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

"It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up." --Muhammad Ali

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

"People need joy quite as much as clothing. Some need it far more." - Margaret Collier Graham

"...we must stop equating sanity with conformity, eccentricity with craziness, and normalcy with numbers. We must get in touch with our own liberating ludicrousness and practice being harmlessly deviant." - Sarah J. McCarthy in "Why Johnny Can't Disobey", 1979

"Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be." --Rita Rudner

"What's up with my cat? She looks at me strangely when I sing and dance for her." -- cat owner, New York, N.Y.

"I have two new kittens and I don't want to leave them home alone. Can I carry them around in my gym bag?" -- new kitten owner, Brooklyn, N.Y.

"For a man to pretend to understand women is bad manners; for him to really understand them is bad morals." - Henry James

Work like you don't need money, Love like you've never been hurt, And dance like no one's watching!

I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

Crackpot is an excellent job because the expectations are so low. No one ever tells crackpots that they should be doing more. -Dilbert Newsletter, October 1999

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To -- Unknown

Traffic police are a mystery to me. As far as I'm concerned, it's just not natural for a guy to stop a woman for going too fast. - P.S. Wall (Off the Wall)

Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.

"Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record. I said, no, but I have the new Devo album. Cops have no sense of humor."

Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Rule of Creative Research: (1) Never draw what you can copy. (2) Never copy what you can trace. (3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.

Rule of Feline Frustration: When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.

Rule of the Great: When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

"The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match." -- Will Rogers

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory." --Steven Wright

"The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will walk carefully." -- Russian Proverb

"We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm." -- Winston Churchill

Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985 From a readers' Q and A column in _TV Guide_: "If we get involved in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs damage my videotapes?"

"Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement." -- Snoopy

"You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo." -- S. Rickly Christian

Found inside an actual fortune cookie (I saw it with my own eyes): "You may be hungry soon; order a takeout now."

Found inside an actual fortune cookie (I saw it with my own eyes): "Beware of cookies bearing fortunes."

"It is the final proof of God's omnipotence that he need not exist in order to save us." --Peter De Vries

"Under certain circumstances, profanity proves a relief denied even to prayer." --Mark Twain

"I write poetry not for publicaton but merely to kill time. Airplanes are a good place to write poetry and then firmly throw it away. My collected works are mostly on the vomit bags of Pan American and TWA." --Charles McCabe

"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio." --Joan Rivers

"Writing is easy. All you do is stare at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead." --Gene Fowler

"I don't have a warm personal enemy left. They've all died off. I miss them terribly because they helped define me." --Claire Boothe Luce

"A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation." --H.H. Munro (Saki)

"If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of the television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners." --Johnny Carson

"There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is having lots to do and not doing it." --John W. Raper

"Never accept a drink from a urologist." --Erma Bombeck's father

"Though I am not naturally honest, I am so sometimes by chance." -- William Shakespeare

"Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies." --Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Better that a girl has beauty than brains because boys see better than they think." --Unknown

"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat." -- Lily Tomlin

"It's been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues." --Abraham Lincoln

"Only Irish coffee proves in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat." --Alex Levine

"The trouble with heart disease is that the first symptom is hard to deal with: sudden death." --Michael Phelps, M.D.

"There are only two ways of telling the complete truth--anonymously and posthumously." --Thomas Sowell

"If you want to build a ship, don't drum up people together to collect wood and don't assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea." -- Antoine de Saint Exupery

"The great question that has never been answered, and which have not yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is: What does a woman want?" --Sigmund Freud

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." --Lily Tomlin

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery

"When a friend is in trouble, don't annoy him [or her] by asking if there is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it." --E. W. Howe

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there...

If it's a good idea, go ahead and do it. It is much easier to apologize than it is to get permission. - Grace Murray Hopper

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, if they get angry, they're a mile away and barefoot. - Sarah Jackson

Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you're really sick. Then you should call 911. --ABC-TV advertisement in Entertainment magazine

"Everyone is a philosopher. Not everyone is good at it." - Alfred North Whitehead

"It's good to have money and the things that money can buy, but it's good, too, to check up once in a while and make sure you haven't lost the things money can't buy." - George Lorimer

"If you give a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day. If you set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life."

"Don't sweat the petty things... or pet the sweaty things."

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Banks keep going out of their way to give me credit. For that, I'm deeply indebted.

"Philosophers have argued for centuries about how many angels can dance on the head of a pin, but materialists have always known it depends on whether they are jitterbugging or dancing cheek to cheek." -- Tom Robbins

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

I hate flowers - I paint them because they're cheaper than models and they don't move. - Georgia O'Keefe

"Some say they learn from their mistakes. I prefer to learn from the mistakes of others." -Bismarck

"To treat your facts with imagination is one thing, but to imagine your facts is another." - John Burroughs

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Conscience: that still, small voice that tells you somebody's looking.

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps." -- Emo Phillips

"The first thing I do after opening a bar of Ivory soap is to scrape off the .0056 part that's impure. I mean, who wants to wash themselves with that crap?" -- Paul Paternoster

Graduation is a funny thing. It probably helps that I went to clown college, though. -- Justin E. Kerner

One cat to another: "Cat toys HA! Give me a set ginsu knives and a bag of hamsters any day."

What is the world coming to? These days people look at you kind of funny when you walk down the street naked with a gun.

"The Lord is my shepard. I shall not want for nothing. He makes me lie down in the green pastures. He greases up my head with oil. He gives me kung-fu in the face of my enemies. Amen." --Tom Cullen in _The Stand_ by Stephen King

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

I love cats. They taste just like chicken.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

"I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child." --Stephen Wright

"I met her at Macy's. She was shopping... I was putting Slinky's on the escalator." --Stephen Wright

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

When morons write to Abby: DEAR ABBY: Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home, turn against his own religion?

"To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand?' You can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.' " -- Jack Handey, _Deep Thoughts_ (Saturday Night Live)

"If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact." -- Jack Handey, _Deep Thoughts_ (Saturday Night Live)

"Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff." -- Jack Handey, _Deep Thoughts_ (Saturday Night Live)

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

On someone's answering machine: "Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers." -- A Bit of Fry and Laurie

"If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?" "Normal procedure, Private, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." -- Charlie Brown, _Peanuts_ [Charles Schultz]

As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

"Batman is the hero any of us could be, given determination, exercise, and deep psychological trauma." --Chris Jarocha-Ernst

"Love is a snowmobile racing along the tundra floor and then it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." -- Matt Groening

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Remember guys -- a vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

"Clothes make the man [or woman]. Naked people have little or no influence on society." -- Mark Twain

Old Hindi proverb: It is easier to follow the footsteps of a fish in the ocean than to know a woman's thoughts.

If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.

A day without sunshine is like night.

"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk." -- Steven King, 3/8/90

When you're swimmin' in the creek And an eel bites your cheek That's a moray! -- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers

To err is human, to moo bovine.

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's about $7.00 in dog money." --Joe Weinstein

"Let's do away with safety and improve our species. Take up smoking. Jaywalk. Play with blasting caps. Swim right after a big meal. Stick something small in your ear. Take your choice of dangerous activity and do it with gusto. Future generations will thank you."

"I love to eat them Smurfies Smurfies are what I love to eat Bite their ugly heads off, Nibble on their bluish feet."

"His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling outside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew..." (Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, _One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich_)

Remember if ya can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

"Anyone who uses the phrase 'easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried taking candy from a baby."

"Everything comes to him who waits, among other things, death." -- Francis Bradley

"Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital." -- Aaron Levenstein

Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?"

"When you have to kill a man, it cost nothing to be polite." -- Winston Churchill

Trouble brings experience and experience brings wisdom.

The Feynman problem solving Algorithm 1) Write down the problem. 2) Think real hard. 3) Write down the answer.

If it's not nailed down, its mine. If I can pry it loose, it's not nailed down.

"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it." --Steven Wright

"Language has created the word 'loneliness' to express the pain of being alone, and the word 'solitude' to express the glory of being alone." -- Paul Tillich

Smith and Wesson: The original point and click interface.

"The proper function of man is to live, not to exist." --Jack London

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject." -- Winston Churchill

"Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless." -- Sinclair Lewis

Today's Fortune: You will find this afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.

Ah, but the choice of dreams to live, there's the rub. For all dreams are not equal, some exit to nightmare, most end with the dreamer. But at least one must be lived ... and died.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. --Spike Milligan

"All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power." -- Ashleigh Brilliant

"All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in which he was born." -- Francois Fenelon

"Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again." -- F. P. Jones

"For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong." -- H. L. Mencken

"I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words."

"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph." -- Shirley Temple

Quotations represent the opionion of the author and do not represent the opinions of, its subsidiaries, officers or employees.


Web Page created 16 January 2002
Last Modified 16 January 2002