MEMO
TO: Team Owners
FROM: The One and Only Truly Original Statistician Man
DATE: 11/09/04
RE: Number 9, Number 9, Number 9, ...
"Ah! böwakawa poussé, poussé". No, that is not Cesar's collegiate buddies laughing at him nearly 30 years ago as he tried to score with a babe at the corner table at The Lucky Shamrock or at Millberry Union. To quote Andy Griffith - "What it was ... was football". Or more specifically, what has become of football for one lucky EFL owner.
Literally translated, the phrase - lyrics from the song #9 Dream - means "Ah, it is over. I'm finished, I'm finished". Some might think it was a commercial for Viagra or Living Levitra Loca. You'd be close. It happens to be what Pfizerboy Kevin is thinking right about now as the latest EFL statistics begin to settle into his craw. In his #9 dream, he's just sitting there watching the wheels of the EFL go 'round and 'round as he rests in last (9th) place, 450+ points behind his nearest rival. His score this week was another subpar one - 724 points. And, as other writers have so deftly (and frequently) pointed out, that INCLUDES 374 points from his QB Peyton Place Manning the Con. That leaves a measly 350 points from the rest of his team. You know them. Laverneous Coles Sore, Rudi Dame Johnson, notWalt Garrsion Hearst, Amani Suit Toomer Necrosis Factor, and Jeff Dominatrix Wilkins. But he did at least beat Chris (662) and Guido (705) this week. And perhaps there is hope after all. At this rate, Kevin will catch Chris in 7 weeks - one week before the end of the season.
Here's hoping that this week's newsletter writer does the same as last week's - vault into first place after writing the league newsletter. So, yes, the alpha boys ... bb/cc/dd ... (or even the ac/dc's if you prefer) have moved in front of Cesar with a stunning 850 point performance on the cat walk this week. Well, I guess Cesar only scoring 799 had something to do with it. And the fact that Moss is groaning on the north side of the tree leaving Culled Pepper a shadow of his former self might have had some influence on the position change. I guess Don McLean was right - Moss grows phat after rolling short of the endzone. Or maybe I'm thinking of Ricky Williams chewing khat with the Rolling Stones or having a league spat after rolling his own. At any rate, Cesar's road to glory seems to have taken a typical detour as the students have moved back into first. Kiss first place bye, bye Miss American Pie.
But then, it also appears that there is something rising in the west. It can't be a Phoenix because Anquan Bolden really didn't help Cesar that much. No, something more compelling ... could it be ... no .... wait .... maybe ... yes ... I think it is ... indeed it is. It is the RETURN OF THE BAD BOYS. I know what you're thinking. Rip Hamilton did not fire six shots or even only five. And, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I've kinda lost track of what I was going to say. But being as this is an EFL newsletter, the most powerful newsletter in the world, and can snow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: what the hell was he talking about? Oh yes. No, the Detroit Pistons championship is not the subject of this paragraph. It is the return of Sheila. She has now moved within the 500 point margin and can be considered a true contender again. Third place. And a chance for the Ryan Dynasty to rise again. Perhaps with a little pharmaceutical help.
Following Sheila, dropping a spot and dropping more than 500 points out, is Guido-mania at the bottom of the LE. He's really a killer pimp, isn't he? And he probably doesn't even have a trig midterm tomorrow to worry about. All he needs now is for Joe Pantoliano to steal the egg so he can be back in contention. But that's risky business and there is some doubt if he can cruise back into contention. According to the minority report, it is mission impossible. Two. Three. The few good men, Terry and Guido, better cross their fingers, keep their eyes wide shut, look to the vanilla sky, be born on the fourth of july, and make all the right moves before they get too far and away if they hope to be top gun and see the color of money in their future. Are ya losin' it yet? If not, I hear taps playing. But not on Monday, definitely not on Monday.
Tweener Einar picks up a little ground on the lead, but he remains over 800 points (almost 1 week) out of first. And he loses "Hanging Chad Pennington for your thoughts" for 2-4 weeks. He better see the Priest - oops, he's out too. Does not look good for the man of many thoughts and no coherency. (fade out of ET chanting "there's no back like Holmes, there's no back like Holmes, there's no back like Holmes, ..."
And what is this? The Bruise Bro? The Monster from Midland? Yep. He's back. Back within the EFL Mendoza(1) line of less than 1000 points out and only 183 points behind the aforementioned Space Cadets. That's a "Minnie" lead if I ever saw one. One spot from the tweener and looking to score the UE as he has done in so many years in the past.
Seventh heaven belongs to another Ryan. Mike is about 270 behind 6th place and about 450 out of the tweener spot. He's also about 500 out of last. Will he go up or will he go down? I can't answer that, but perhaps someone else can. Mike has his Bulger (formerly Kevin's Bulger) and can Droughn on now that he has raided the free agent list due to his many RB injuries of late. If his RBs stay healthy, he can make a run. Plaxico is rejuvenated by Big Ben Rothlesberger and Tory Holt finally had a good game.
The Comebackers are going to have to really work to live up to their name. They lie in eighth place, but there is no second RB of any value and the same may hold true at WR. He also can't go Favre without Brett.
So the story, as usual, has been injuries.
Alpha boys: No significant injuries, although Brown and Leftwich have been dinged up a bit
Cesar: Moss has been a nagging problems for several weeks and it hurts his QB. RB injuries have only helped clarify his starters since he has the backups. Looks good with McGahee and Thomas now.
Sheila: No significant injuries, although Roy Williams (a surprise performer) has been hobbled a bit.
Guido: No significant injuries. Should be strong with Jamal Lewis back from suspension.
Einar: The loss of Holmes and Pennington will cause problems from here on out. Davis and Griffen (season) have been injured.
Bruce: Two early, season-ending injuries to Steve Smith and Kellen Winslow, plus a season ending injury to reserve Peter Warrick have cause problems at WR. Kevin's Johnson can't seem to get up when it's his time to shine. Kevin's Jones has been dinged up, but Onterrio Smith solidifies the running game of Green and Faulk.
Mike: Four RB injuries (Justin Fargas, DeShaun Foster, Brian Westbrook, and Cory Dillon) allowed him to add Reuben Droughns and Sammy Morris and get rid of dead weight in DeShaun Foster and Justin Fargas. Should be good to go now. WR's are good. QB is thin in the event Bulger goes down.
Chris: Stephen Davis and Charlie Rogers have been big losses this year. Has capable WRs, but won't provide the consistency that a healthy Rogers could have. That'll teach you to draft a wussy Sparty. Thin at QB if Favre gets hurt.
Kevin: Fragile Fred and Tatum O'Neal Bell. No significant injuries really. Just a bad, bad draft.
Footnotes:
(1) The Mendoza line is named after Minnie Mendoza, a career minor leaguer, who finally made it with the Minnesota Twins in 1970. At age 36. Mendoza hit .188 in sixteen games with the Twins that year. The Sporting News first mentioned "Mendoza Line" in the early 1970s stating that some hitters could not even get their averages above the Mendoza Line.
Off to the zoo! See you next week!
EFL Individual Records
|
ALL TIME
|
|
SEASON
|
|
Pos
|
Pts
|
Player
|
Year
|
By
|
|
Pts
|
Player
|
Wk
|
By
|
|
|
543
|
Joe Montana
|
1990
|
CM
|
|
511
|
Kevin Townsend
|
8
|
KT
|
|
|
428
|
Cory Dillon
|
1997
|
SR
|
|
315
|
Priest Holmes
|
8
|
ET
|
|
|
591
|
Jimmy Smith
|
2000
|
RW
|
|
450
|
Javon Walker
|
3
|
SR
|
|
|
170
|
Chris Boniol
|
1996
|
ET
|
|
100
|
S. Janikowski
|
7
|
SR
|
EFL Team Records
|
ALL TIME
|
|
SEASON
|
|
Record
|
Total
|
Owner
|
Year
|
|
Record
|
Total
|
Owner
|
Week
|
|
High
|
1,500
|
Robert Wolk
|
1995
|
|
High
|
1336
|
Sheila Ryan
|
3
|
|
Low
|
144
|
Robert Wolk
|
1993
|
|
Low
|
520
|
Einar Tjolsen
|
6
|