Pontiff Pontifications

December 19, 1996, 6:51 PM

The State Of The Sect by the Chief Pontiff and Goddess-In-Training

It's been a banner year for the cult of the Goddess Indigo. The cult has moved full speed ahead in its quest for world domination. We have temples all over the world, where followers flock for hair-fiddling seminars. Production of canola oil has ceased around the world for fear someone might try to deep-fry the Goddess. Coke cans, while they may or may not contain a meal, stay cool and drinkable without refrigeration. While the cult has no political, social, economic, mental, emotional, or hydroelectric power, it controls the lives of literally millions of obsessed followers.

State of the Followers

The High Priestess and Official Non-Dairy Creamer has founded Indigo Temples of Chocolate Chip Cookie Indulgences that have sprung up in every country around the globe. The Chief Evangelist has converted millions of impressionable people, including much of the American Congress and the Royal Air Force. Appearances of the Archangel of For-Me-To-Know-And-For-You-To-Find-Out have greatly encouraged the faithful to deeper commitment to the Goddess. The Judicial Champion has championed justice. The Master of Protocol has protocoled masters. The Sacrificial Altar Boy has altared sacrifices. The Chief Stationary Dervish has pretty much kept from moving about. The Inquisition has used brute force and intimidation to convert those followers who cannot be bribed or sweet-talked. The Smiter Of All That Is Evil, Nasty, And Just Plain Wrong has smited all sorts of nastiness throughout the world. The Ghost has been pretty difficult to track, but then again, he's a ghost. Pope G.I.T. has kept lots of incriminating records to use for bribery and subsequent conversion purposes. And the Goddess Indigo, well, she has been her whimsical self, singing to bowls of cookie dough and the like.

The State of the Statutes

Incidents of hair fiddling have jumped 600% in the last year alone. Hair fiddling is the newest spiritual trend among Hollywood's elite, and millionaires from all over the world pay thousands of dollars for a hair fiddling session with the Goddess or one of her most devout followers. Crime has plunged 70%, and the remaining 30% mainly of riots which break out when a master hair fiddler is in town. Even President Clinton got into the hair fiddling trend, but he was later forced to get a buzz haircut when a White House page's hands became hopelessly entangled in his hair.

In clinical trials conducted by the pope, studies have shown that the 2 Second Man and Woman are rare indeed, and the few that remain have been sealed in underground caves and pelted with chocolate chips until their little problem goes away. The pope has personally tested hundreds of followers to gauge their devoutness, and would like to announce that 2 Secondness is on a downswing, and also that she is very happy to have this gig.

The Boiling-Of-The-Goddess-In-Canola-Oil is a practice reviled in every corner of the world. Riots have started at the very mention of such a practice, and the Inquisition, through fear and intimidation, has caused production of canola oil to cease. One of Italy's largest producers of canola oil said "I never know how horrible and blasphemous canola oil could be. I stopped producing it for the good of all the little children of the world. I'll never make canola oil again! I swear! Please don't send the Inquisition after me!!! I can't stand another day in the Extremely Painful Lego Brand Iron Maiden!!!! Please!!!!"

The evil of Play-Doh throwing has been practically eradicated as a threat to human decency, as billions cower in fear of offending the great and mighty Indigo (or any of her rabid followers). The last recorded incident of Play-Doh throwing occurred in San Diego on September 4. A man pelted a passing motorist with blue Play-Doh. Sixteen passers-by, who were all followers of the Goddess, chased him down, bound him in duct tape and Silly String, and delivered him to the San Diego Chocolate Cream Pie Temple of Indigo. There, he was delivered to the Smiter and the Inquisition, who dunked him in a vat of honey and locked him in a room filled with assorted insects and small mammals. When the screaming (which was recorded and is available on CD or cassette) subsided, he was then tortured again, this time using a Rollerblade Barbie, a can of Aquanet hair spray, and an old pair of Dave Barry's underwear. Then he was given the Fate Worse Than Jeff, which is too horrible and awful to be expounded upon here.

It is obvious that our message of world domination has spread across the world like soft butter over warm toast - creamy smooth, and completely at the mercy of the person holding the knife. But what future goals should we attain? First, it is very important for the Goddess Indigo Cult to win the next presidential election. The Cult also must eradicate all mean people, starting on a local level and moving our way to other places. The leaders of the cult will no doubt have other goals, all of which will fit into the ultimate goal of world domination and ultimate power.


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