I cannot sleep.  I thought that after a year, he'd know how I felt
about him...  If I had a bit of patience, a tiny modicum of self-control,
I might have been able to hold on a bit longer and win him over.  But it's
been over a year... and there's just something about Ulysses that I can't
explain.  Mok's a great guy, but...he's not Ulysses.  Sometimes I just
look at his Trump and imagine...

	I know I made a fool of myself in my pathetic attempts to seduce
him.  I couldn't control myself...it was in my blood.  Maybe it was
influenced by Sandr's marriage.  Ulysses had explained Sandr's sexual
preference to me, but I had always thought that there was a chance of
a...shall we say, change of heart.  The wedding looks to have shut that
down, for all intents and purposes.  I'm not about to try anything with
him, unless I was to get a direct and obvious signal.  Sandr seemed
concerned that I was going to change how I react towards him...  I made
sure he knew that I was just a bit shocked, and that I wouldn't look at
him any differently.

	The usual Friday thing rolled around.  Drinking with Merlin, Sky,
and Mok.  I was bored, as usual.  Merlin was crying in his beer about Sky. 
Merle's a bit too flaky for my tastes.  Anyway, I persuaded Mok to take me
somewhere to have a good time.  He showed me how to work the Mecha and we
played "paintball."  This amused me for a while, but beating Mok again and
again soon grew weary.  He offered to take me to White Castle, a place to
eat, and I agreed.  He also mentioned that this was Ulysses' favorite
hangout, so I Trumped him and asked him to join us.  That he did. 
Laughter eventually joined us and talked to Ulysses for a bit, but she
then left, and Mok was busy with the girl operating the frier, so I asked
Ulysses to take me home.  We walked through Arden, chatting about the
original state of the forest, Julian, Brand, etc.

	When we got back, I suggested we have some coffee, and he
suggested we go somewhere other than his quarters.  I chose mine.  Thus
began my blatant attempt to seduce him.  I can't believe some of the words
I said, the things I did.  I should respect his right to contemplate the
situation, to give him time to choose, but at that moment...I couldn't
hold back.

	Funny, when I look back upon the words I have just written, I
think maybe part of the problem was that I let my emotions take over.  The
thing is, Ulysses said if I needed it *that* bad, that I should go find a
Shadow to take care of those needs.  I didn't want to do that...I wanted
the real thing, not a fake.

	I'm having a hard time distinguishing between love and lust.  But
I'll give him some time.  I've waited a year, I can wait a little longer.