Session
110
Faerie, year 16, day 184 continued
I can't believe this is happening to me. It's impossible. It
must be. But I'm finding the evidence rather overwhelming at the moment.
Somehow, I've traded places with Loryn. I mean my body has. Gods, this
is confusing. How did this happen? All I wanted to do was see my body.
Loryn's body. I'm not sure why. It just felt right, somehow. Although
it was kind of strange to look at her lying there, when I could remember
being her. I didn't have much chance to observe her, though, before the
room spun around me, and then suddenly I was making love to Lucien. To
Oishin, actually. Only he was younger. And I was Loryn. We were under a
tree and it was raining, the sort of light, summer rain that is just
enough to cool you off, but not heavy enough to really be chilly. I don't
remember hearing thunder, but maybe we were just to involved with each
other to notice. I noticed the lighting, though. It splintered the tree
above us just as we climaxed together, and pain and pleasure shot through
me, and then... And then I woke up, and I was back in room with Loryn's
body. Only it wasn't Loryn's body that was in stasis any more, it was
mine. And I... I had blond hair, and pointed ears, and no Pattern, and I
was taller, and I couldn't conjure, and...I wasn't myself anymore.
I don't know what to do now. I have to tell Lucien. But how am I
going to explain this to him? I still don't believe it myself. I keep
hoping that I'll wake up any minute now, and realize that this was just
some horrible dream. But I've been standing here for a while, and
nothing's changed. My body still lies there, unmoving, unbreathing. I
have to keep reminding myself that it's not dead. That I'm not dead.
Aren't I? I mean, if Loryn was dead while her body was there in stasis,
then is Ariana dead now that her body is there? Am I Loryn now? I want
to scream, but even that brings no release, for it's not my voice that I
hear screaming. Gods, I must do something. I think I shall go mad if I
stay here much longer.
I'll never forget the look on Lucien's face when I contacted him.
I knew it was going to shock him, but I just had to speak to him. He
turned so pale... I tried to explain what happened, but I don't think he
was listening. He accused me of being something Brand put in his mind,
then broke the spell. He actually thinks I'm something of Brand's. Why
won't he listen to me? I thought...I thought that he would know who I
was, if anyone did. If even he can't tell... No. He was surprised,
that's all. I've got to face him in person, where he can't dispel me so
easily. He has to see the truth. He has to. If he doesn't, then who
will?
Amber (Monday, August 14, 2994)
Afternoon
What is going on in Amber? Magical wards around the castle
blocking entrance to the Fey, Nicholas leaving town along with Deirdre,
Fiona, Teresa, and 1,000 men... How long have I been gone? What's
happened in my absence?
I thought for sure that if I came face to face with Lucien, he'd
have to believe me. He didn't. He actually drew a knife on me. He even
moved between me and the children's room, to protect them from me. From
*me*. I wanted to cry. I wanted to smack him. Maybe I should have.
*That* might have convinced him that I was telling the truth. I suppose I
should be thankful that Lavender and Alex came by. And Gavin. I guess
he's back in Amber now. There's no telling how long we would have stood
there yelling at each other, otherwise. He kept asking me who I was, and
what I wanted, and then he wouldn't believe me when I told him. If Gavin
hadn't confirmed that I was essentially who I said I was, would he ever
have been willing to examine my mind himself? I wish I knew. I hate to
see him like this. I don't think I've ever seen him so utterly at a loss
before. It bothers me. He's always the one who's in control. If he
can't handle what's happened here, what chance do I have?
I guess now I know the reason for the wards around the castle.
Vixen's brothel had an infestation of Unseelie faeries. Apparently,
they've decided that the benefits of a child of Amber blood outweigh the
fact that any such children will not be true faeries. I must tell Auberon
of this. If Morgan and her court are becoming more involved in Amber, he
should know about it. Not that this will help Lavender much. Cursed
through her hair...it could take them a while to run out of samples. I
wish her luck in tracking down the originator.
He can't even look at me. What am I supposed to do? It hurts to
know that I'm causing him this much pain. Maybe I should have just stayed
in Faerie. If I had, I could have spared him this. But what if I'm
trapped like this forever? What if there's no way to undo what happened?
I'd have had to tell him eventually. I know that. But that doesn't make
this any easier. Even with the glamour reestablished, so I look like
myself again...like Ariana again...he still seems so withdrawn. What if
he never gets over this?
Faerie
We asked Tamaryn to watch the children while we were gone, or
rather Lucien did. Tamaryn would have noticed my glamour if I'd seen her.
I can't let her know what happened. There was no way to avoid putting
Lucien through this, but I will spare Tamaryn if I can. Lucien is hoping
that Auberon will be able to help return me to my body. I'm rather
nervous about seeing him again. I haven't encountered him since I learned
that I had Loryn's soul. What will he think of the fact that I not only
have her soul, but her body as well?
I feel like such an idiot. I didn't need to be using glamours to
hide my appearance. I could have just shapeshifted. How could I have
forgotten? As soon as Auberon mentioned that there was another way, I
knew. I guess the shock of all of this is affecting me, too. At least
Auberon seems to be handling the news much better than Lucien. Lucien
hasn't looked at me since Auberon dispelled my glamour to examine me. I
know I shouldn't feel hurt by that, but I do. I told Auberon of the
vision I had, after I lost consciousness. He thinks it might be
significant. I don't think Lucien was comfortable with my discussing
that, either, but what was I supposed to do? He doesn't remember anything
like that actually taking place between us, so it's not a memory from
Loryn's life. And if it isn't, then maybe it holds a clue to how this
happened, and how it can be undone. If it can be undone. Auberon thinks
that it can, though, with some research. He also thinks it was caused by
my dying wish, but I don't understand how that can be. I remember my last
hours more clearly than anything else from that life. Vividly enough that
I still have nightmares about it. I remember feeling terrible for leaving
Lucien alone, and that I had to return to him. But I did return to him.
That's why I was reincarnated. So how can my dying wish have caused this?
I just don't understand.
I told Auberon's sorcerers of my vision, and they spent a lot of
time examining me. Lucien left when they began. I hope he's still around
here, somewhere. The sorcerers found some small traces of magic in me.
They're going to examine my body next, and they think they'll find more of
the same. Maybe then they'll be able to figure out how to reverse this.
Until they do, I just have to wait. And not die in this body. Maybe I'd
just return to my own body if that happened. The sorcerers can't be sure,
though, and I don't want to test it. I have no desire to die again.
It's going to take the sorcerers a while to finish their
investigation. Auberon suggested that I wait in Amber. In my world, as
he put it. My world... I don't know what is my world, anymore. I know
I'm not a faerie anymore...well, I guess I am now, but I'm not supposed to
be. But even under normal circumstances, I still feel a bond to Faerie.
I always have, even before I knew about my past life as Loryn. I can't
just pretend that bond doesn't exist, despite the fact that everyone would
rather I did. It's a part of me, and I won't deny it. Although if anyone
thinks they can use me against Amber because of it, as Auberon fears, they
are sadly mistaken. The fact that I did not flee here while I was under
house arrest ought to be sufficient proof of that.
I wish I knew more of how Auberon came to marry Titania. I had
hoped that it was a marriage of love, but from what Auberon said, that
doesn't seem to be the case. But he claims it was not an arranged
marriage, either, at least not in the traditional sense. I suppose he
married her because he needed something that came with her. It saddens me
that there is no love between them, though. I hope he's at least found
some comfort elsewhere.
Amber
Lucien still cannot speak to me without looking pained. I cannot
bear it any longer. Tonight is the night that he was invited to the
Pearl, and I intend to see that he goes. Maybe someone there can distract
him from what he's feeling now. Like Mona and Lisa. They said they owed
me a favor, anyway. And at least he won't have to be looking at me while
he's there. I'm not sure I could stand a whole evening of seeing him like
this. Maybe I should just sleep somewhere else. If he can't even look at
me, how is going to react to sharing a bed with me? It's probably best if
I don't even try to find out.
Evening
Nimue didn't look at all well at dinner. What can be wrong with
her? If I didn't know better, I'd think she had tuberculosis, but that's
impossible for an Amberite. Isn't it? I'll have to see if Gérard
knows what's going, after the children have gone to bed.
Being with the children was rather calming. It's the first normal
thing that's happened to me since I left for Faerie this morning. Well,
this morning from my point of view. Apparently, a few days passed in
Amber while I was gone. It didn't seem that long to me. Admittedly, I
have no idea how long I was unconscious, but I doubt it was two days.
Then again, time can be rather strange in Faerie.
The boys are still rather subdued. I guess I'd be worried if they
weren't. We were pretty hard on them, after all. Still, what they did
was very serious, and I'm glad they finally seem to understand that.
Briana seems to be bouncing back much faster, but that's to be expected at
her age. We'll just have to wait and see if what we said to her made any
impression. At least there won't be any repeats of what happened with Ana
and Hary.
Mona and Lisa said they would be happy to take care of Lucien. I
imagine he'll be rather surprised when they ambush him. I just hope it
does him some good. I'm not sure what I'll do if it doesn't. I couldn't
resist taking a look at the Pearl myself, just to assure myself that it
was adequately warded. Not that the Unseelie are likely to want a child
of Lucien's if they're after Amber blood, but...there's no sense in taking
any chances.
Gérard is at sea, according to Isabeux, and isn't expected
back soon. Isabeux seemed rather troubled when I spoke to her, although
she denied there was anything wrong when I asked. She lies as badly as
Felix does. I wonder what could be bothering her? Maybe she blames me
for the fact that Vivienne walked the Pattern. She'd hardly be the first.
Unfortunately, she didn't know if Gérard had examined Nimue, or
even that anything was wrong with her. I don't think Gérard has
examined her, though. If he had, I don't think he would have left without
appraising someone of her condition. Which means I should take a look at
her. Even though I lack my normal healing abilities, I may still be able
to determine what's wrong with her.
Nimue has been cursed to die by Morgan, the Unseelie Queen. It
must have happened when Brand ambushed us. It all fits. Nimue is the
only one who can't remember what happened to her while we were in Brand's
castle. Her symptoms began after we returned. Lasker said that Brand
wanted us all delayed for a certain amount of time. And we know Brand had
faeries from the Unseelie Court working with him. Thank the gods the
curse was detected in time. If Nimue can manage to walk the Pattern, she
should be all right. Admittedly, that's an iffy proposition, given how
weak she's become, but if someone walks just ahead of her, she should be
able to do it. At least theoretically. But Bleys concurs with my
opinion, and he should know. I just wish I didn't feel so nervous about
this. It almost seems too easy. Surely Brand would have anticipated
this? But I've checked, and I can't find any other curses on Nimue, and
Bleys didn't find anything that he thought would be harmful to the
Pattern, either. Maybe Brand is just tormenting Nimue, the way he seems
to enjoy tormenting me. I hope that's all it is.
Eral, how can I have missed it! There was a second curse, and
it's as deadly as the first. Setting foot on the Pattern is causing Nimue
to disintegrate. I didn't see it until it was too late, and I don't have
the power to stop it. All I can do is slow it down, and pray that Bleys
gets her to the center before it's too late. Gods, Bleys, hurry. I don't
know how much longer either of us will last.
Amber, year 16, day 185 (Tuesday, August 15, 2994)
Early morning
For a moment, when I woke up in my own bed, with Lucien beside me,
I could almost believe that yesterday's events were all just a dream.
That illusion didn't last. I may currently look human, but I can sense
the truth. Which means that Nimue is dead. I remember seeing her
disintegrate just as she reached the center, and then the last of my
strength left me. Did Bleys bring me back here, or did Lucien? I really
hope Bleys didn't disturb Lucien. At least not before Mona and Lisa were
done with him.
I didn't mean to wake Lucien. I suppose I should have known that
I wouldn't be able to leave without disturbing him. It's hard enough to
do when I'm in my own body, much less in one I haven't inhabited for two
millennia. I didn't get more than a few inches before he stirred and
called my name. My soul name. I know he often calls me Ari, especially
since my regression, but as a human, it's just a term of endearment. To
hear it again as a faerie... I felt warm, and loved, and right. More
right than I've felt since this whole mess began. What else could I do in
response to that but kiss him? I was afraid he might pull away, but his
demeanor seems much improved this morning. I guess I was right to send
Mona and Lisa after him. I still feel badly for causing him to return
early, though. Apparently, Bleys Trumped him shortly after I collapsed.
That must have been rather awkward. At least Mona and Lisa found him
fairly early on, so they weren't in the middle of anything by the time
Bleys called. Still, I don't think he's going to let me talk him into
going back there any time soon.
Lucien pointed out that Brand likely thinks I'm dead. Good. I
hope I'm making a royal mess of his plans. He's actually right, when you
think about it, since technically, I am dead. Well, the body I was born
in is. Or would be, if it wasn't in stasis. At least the baby is safe
from Brand, right now. That's the one good thing about this mess.
I hadn't been planning to sleep with anyone again so soon. Which
is silly, I know. It's not as if I didn't sleep with Lucien on numerous
occasions after Brand raped me. But I didn't know what had happened then.
Logically, it shouldn't make a difference, but it does. I didn't think
I'd feel comfortable sleeping with Lucien again for a while. But I wasn't
expecting to wind up in Loryn's body, either. The way Lucien was looking
at me yesterday...I wasn't sure he could even handle sleeping in the same
bed with me. Knowing that he actually wanted to make love to me, how
could I possibly say no? Hearing my soul name whispered in my ear didn't
hurt, either. I could listen to that forever.
Faerie
Morning
I told Auberon of Morgan's involvement with Brand. He admitted
that he can use this information, and Titania looked rather pleased. I
know it's not much, but I feel a little better knowing that Morgan may
have cause to regret what she did to Nimue. Now if only I could do the
same to Brand.
Amber
Afternoon
I've never seen an earthquake go on that long. Even the death of
the Serpent and the Unicorn didn't cause anything like this. I think Mebd
is dead. She just screamed and vanished in a cloud of black smoke. Thank
the gods that the children weren't injured. Nor were there many injured
in the castle. It is well-built. But there must be so many hurt down in
the city. And I'm trapped in a body without my healing abilities. I
can't even use the faerie healing abilities that I would normally have.
Something has happened to magic and Trump, and everyone's spells are gone.
Which means that they must be gone in Faerie, as well. And without the
stasis spell...no. I cannot afford to think about that. Not now. There
are too many injured who must be seen to.
Gone, all gone. All the people we tried to save...we may as well
not have even bothered. Lucien won't let me look and see what the tsunami
has done, and I'm not strong enough to resist him in this form. It
doesn't matter. I saw how big that wave was. I can imagine the rest.
Almost no one is likely to have survived down by the waterfront, certainly
not those who were already injured. I can still see all of their
faces...I always remember the faces of those I work on. To know that they
are all likely dead now... All except this one child I managed to grab
hold of when Lucien pulled me out of there. Gods, there must have been
some way to save more of them. At least this boy's parents. His mother
looked so relieved when I told her that her son would live. Where is she
now? Drowned beneath the water? Crushed by the force of the wave? Dead,
along with Eral knows how many others? Does Lucien honestly think that
not seeing the destruction somehow prevents me from knowing what must have
occurred?
I can't believe I lost control like that. I just couldn't bear to
see my reflection any more, knowing that the image I saw was a lie. That
body no longer exists. Without the stasis spell on my body, it cannot
have survived. And if my body is dead, then the baby is as well. I have
no one but myself to blame for this. It was my dying wish that caused the
transfer to occur. And now my baby is dead, and I'm trapped forever in
this body, and I can't even shift away the lie.
Lucien says magic must still be working in Faerie, because if it
had ceased, I would have died. Just as Mebd did, I suppose. It seems
rather odd to think that the fact that I'm alive in my current body proves
that my real body must be all right, as well. For a moment, I wasn't sure
if I believed him. He is always trying to shield me from the painful
truth, after all. But then I saw the truth in his eyes as he spoke my
name, and I knew it was so. He cannot lie to me while doing that. He
never could.
I am beginning to hope that vision is not significant, after all.
Because the more I think about it, the more disturbing it becomes. I know
that the man I slept with in it was Lucien. I know this with the
certainty that only comes in dreams. But...I didn't realize until now
that Lucien didn't look like himself in the vision. Not his true form, or
his faerie form, or any other form that I've ever seen him in. He looked
like Brand. What does it mean? I'm afraid to learn the answer. Gods
above, will I ever be free of that monster?
"Outrageous Fortune"
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