Session
124
Interim before the Chaos
war
Amber, year 21, day 310 (Saturday, September 9, 2994)
The children's math tutor started today. Her name is Maddy, and I
really like her. She seems very down-to-earth, which is somewhat of a
relief after dealing with members of my family. I'm hoping that she
doesn't have this fear of the royal family that Bridget suddenly
developed. I think we could be friends. I could use a female friend
right now. Whimsy isn't really in the sort of mood to qualify.
Amber, year 21, day 311 (Sunday, September 10, 2994)
Driscoll finally returned to Amber, and I managed to speak to him
for a few minutes. I just wanted to let him know that I'm here if he
wants to talk to someone, or even just needs a shoulder to cry on. He was
such a comfort to me when Lucien was gone, the least I can do is offer the
same to him. He seemed happy to know that I'm here if he needs me, but I
got the impression that he doesn't intend to take me up on my offer any
time soon. He'd rather handle it alone. He's always had that tendency,
as I recall. Even when his wife was killed and Eris was kidnapped, he
tried to go it alone. Still, I feel better just for letting him know I'd
like to help, if I can.
Amber, year 21, day 313 (Tuesday, September 12, 2994)
I wasn't really surprised to learn that I won't be allowed to
visit Ygg, at least for now. I'm hoping that after the Chasm mends, and
the war with Chaos is over, maybe I can convince Uncle Benedict to bring
me with him sometime. I understand why the Shadow must be cut off, lest
we have another occurrence of what happened to the first Ygg, but surely
there must be a way for me to go there without compromising the security
there. I'd even be willing to go blindfolded, so I couldn't possibly
learn anything useful about the Shadow. It's silly, I suppose, to want to
talk to a tree, but I did spend five years watching it grow. It would
make me feel better to know it's happy in its new environment.
I also offered my assistance to Uncle Benedict as a trainer for
those who are going to Chaos. If I can't go myself, at least I could help
those who are going to prepare. Unfortunately, he doesn't think that will
be necessary. I wish there was something I could do to help. I feel like
I'm taking the easy way out by staying behind.
Amber, year 21, day 314 (Wednesday, September 13, 2994)
Jalana is getting more and more difficult to teach any means of
defending herself. I had hoped that she merely disliked edged weapons,
since she seemed willing to use the staff I gave her, but now she's
refusing to use that as well. I'm not sure what to make of this, but I
find it rather distressing. She has to how to use some kind of weapon. I
can't stand the thought of her being defenseless, especially around Amber.
Where is this attitude coming from?
Amber, year 21, day 315 (Thursday, September 14, 2994)
Lucien thinks Jalana is exhibiting typical teenage rebelliousness,
and that we should just leave her alone, for now. Wonderful. Why did she
have to pick this area to rebel against? I really hate the idea of her
having no weapons training at all. But Lucien does have a point. If
Jalana isn't interested, she won't learn, no matter how hard I try to
teach her. Gods, I haven't felt this frustrated since Shannon decided he
couldn't abide horses.
Amber, year 21, day 316 (Friday, September 15, 2994)
I really enjoy talking to Maddy. Not only does she have a great
sense of humor, but she likes books as much as I do. I've even told her
about my dream of someday building a library in the city. She pointed out
that this might upset the Feldanes, since they already have a large
library. The problem is, the Feldanes don't allow the commoners access to
it. And that bothers me. Admittedly, most commoners can't read, but
those who are interested could be taught. And they'd be more interested
in learning if there was something for them to read. I admit, Maddy is
right that a populace that can read is more likely to revolt, but there's
so much they could gain, as well. And I hate the idea of deliberately
keeping people ignorant so they're easier to control. My democratic
background showing through, I suppose.
The more I get to know Maddy, the more I think she and Ishmael
would be perfect for each other. It sounds crazy, I know, but I feel like
they'd compliment one other. I've been trying to come up with a way to
introduce them to each other, since their paths don't normally cross. The
only thing they have in common right now is the children. Maybe I can
arrange a meeting on the pretense that I think all of the children's
tutors should meet each other. It's worth a shot.
Amber, year 21, day 317 (Saturday, September 16, 2994)
Grayson has asked me to take over his conjuration lessons. It
seems that Whimsy has become rather harsh with him since the incident with
Jack and Alexandra. I'm overjoyed that he's come to me, although I wish
it was for different reasons. I'm worried about the change in Whimsy over
the last week. Cold doesn't even begin to describe her now. I've been
leaving her alone to give her time to work things out, but she doesn't
seem to be getting any better. Maybe I should try to talk to her. At
least I can let her know that I'm here, should she wish to talk to
anybody.
Amber, year 21, day 319 (Monday, September 18, 2994)
Whimsy took my offer of help somewhat more poorly than Driscoll
did. At times, it seemed like she was hoping I'd fight her. Maybe she
was. It's obvious that Alexandra's actions hurt her deeply, far more than
she is willing to acknowledge. I'm beginning to suspect she cared for
Jack even more than she let on. And he went and married her sister. I
wish she could see that this reflects badly on Jack, not her, but that
doesn't seem likely right now. The irony is that she seems in better
physical health now than ever before, while her mental state of mind has
deteriorated. I gave up trying to get through to her, after a while. I
understand something of how she feels, after all. And, despite what she
says, I think we both react to being badly hurt somewhat similarly. We
both try to close ourselves off and isolate ourselves from others. The
difference is, I cannot sustain it for nearly as long as Whimsy, because I
have Lucien and the children, and I cannot shut them out for long. After
Grayson was lost, and Lucien left, I felt very much how Whimsy feels, all
alone, with no one who cared, and no one was going to convince me
otherwise. It took seeing the children again, after spending several
bitter, angry months in Shadow, to get beyond that. Whimsy has no one
that she's let into her heart to that extent to bring her back. Her
sister's betrayed her, she fears her mother, and she doesn't really know
her father well enough to find support in him. Nor does her experience in
Chaos encourage her to find support in anyone. Certainly not me. All I
can do is try my best not to let her shut me out completely, and hope that
she eventually works through this.
What concerns me is her belief that Eric will try to kill her.
Apparently, he blames her for Vixen's disappearance. What a fool.
Normally, I wouldn't worry too much about it, since only someone with a
death wish would risk the wrath of Fiona and Suhuy by killing their
daughter, but Eric's behavior of late hasn't been completely rational.
Like blaming Whimsy for Vixen's disappearance, just because she had the
bad luck to be in the vicinity when Vixen decided to take off. Never mind
that Vixen tried to kill his own child. And he wants to be king? Gods
help us all if he succeeds.
Amber, year 21, day 321 (Wednesday, September 20, 2994)
I wish I knew what Lucien is planning. He's been spending a lot
of time in Middlecourt of late, but he refuses to talk about it, claiming
he doesn't want to bore me with politics. Apparently, he doesn't believe
that women should get involved in that sort of thing. Hah! He did
confirm that one of the reasons he's been going to Middlecourt has to do
with what he's going to do if Nicholas succeeds in overthrowing Zane. I
hope he isn't planning to go back to Chaos and restart his house, or do
the same in Middlecourt. I don't think I could bear it if he came out of
retirement. It was hard enough enduring his being an assassin before, but
for him to go back to it now, after all of the regret he expressed to me
about it after he retired... It would hurt terribly. At least he agreed
to talk to me if he seriously considers it. And he did say that the house
doesn't have to function in the same capacity as it did before, a thought
which had occurred to me, as well. There's no reason it couldn't
specialize in information gathering, since it already did quite a bit of
that before. It would probably piss House Borge off, but personally I
wouldn't mind that at all. I haven't forgotten Fenar's involvement in
selling Grayson to Hector Eireg. Anything that bothers him makes me
happy.
Amber, year 21, day 324 (Saturday, September 23, 2994)
Shard has returned, but he will not speak to me. He actually ran
away from me. I caught no more than a glimpse of him, and he of me, but
as soon as he saw me he fled as though for his very life. Why? What have
I done to make him react this way?
Amber, year 21, day 325 (Sunday, September 24, 2994)
Morning
I still can't get the image of Shard fleeing from me out of my
mind. He ran from me as he would from his own destruction. For that is
what I am to him, now. Thanks to Nicholas, if he speaks to me, he will be
destroyed. I desperately wish I could talk to someone about this, but the
only person I could talk to is Shard himself. Who else is there?
Driscoll has his own problems to deal with, and I will not burden him with
mine. Whimsy has turned in on herself, and is cold as ice now. Ishmael
is focused on the war in Chaos, and he was Shard's victim. He's the last
person I can talk to about this. And Lucien...I'm afraid to speak to him
of anything that upsets me anymore. I could bear it while I still had
someone else to speak to, but now... Now there is no one left. It's
crazy. I have a husband, and children, and yet I feel utterly alone. And
I have no one but myself to blame. If I hadn't told Shard what was
bothering me that night, none of this would have happened. We never even
got to say goodbye.
I find it hard to bring myself to care about what Eric may be
doing right now, or whether Nicholas will be able to keep the throne.
It's not that I want Eric to win, I just can't see any reason to
interfere. Why should I stick my neck out for Nicholas? Or for Eric?
I've done so in the past, and see how I've been rewarded? I lost my son
trying to bring Nicholas back from Chaos, and now he's taken away my
friend. I'm done with helping any of them. Both of them can rot, for all
I care. Gods, I hate this place, sometimes. It sucks the hope, the
light, the life, right out of you. No wonder Whimsy wants to leave. I'd
leave too, if I could.
Afternoon
I still don't feel ready to face the world right now, but I cannot
stay away any longer. The dinner hour is almost at hand, and if I miss
that, Lucien and the children will know that something is wrong. Well,
I'm sure Lucien will notice anyway, but he'll ignore it, the way he
usually does of late. I don't want Jalana to worry, though. She deserves
not to waste what's left of her childhood fretting about the adults in her
life. I've put her through too much as it is, after I lost Grayson.
Thank the gods for glamours. No one will be able to tell from looking at
me that I've been crying all afternoon. Now if only I can act as
untroubled as I now look.
Evening
That went so much better than I'd dared hope. The children
noticed nothing wrong, as far as I can tell. Lucien did, of course, but
for once he didn't ignore me or get upset with me. It was such a relief
to learn that he already knew what had happened. I probably should be
angry that he's been having me followed, but I find it rather touching,
actually. It's not as though he's doing it because he doesn't trust me,
or thinks I'm plotting against him. He's using it to gather evidence to
counter me when I blame myself for something. Given how much he hates
dealing with me when I'm blaming myself, it means a lot that he's willing
to do this for me.
And he's right, of course. What happened with Shard was not my
fault. I didn't ask him to bite Ishmael. I never even hinted at it.
Shard chose to do that on his own. And if his feelings for me are strong
enough to make him do that, it would have happened eventually over
something else. I think I'm so used to feeling sad over things that are
my fault, that when something saddens me I automatically assume I am to
blame. Still, even knowing that I'm not to blame, the pain hasn't
diminished. I miss Shard. I know that if his feelings for me would make
him hurt others, it's best for everyone that we don't see each other until
he feels less strongly about me. But what if that never happens?
Amber, year 21, day 328 (Wednesday, September 27, 2994)
Ishmael is cutting back on our training time together. I've kind
of been expecting this. Between preparing for the upcoming war in Chaos,
tutoring the boys, and the occasional Trump lesson with me, our sparring
was the most likely thing to give. I wish I could give him a good enough
workout that it would help him prepare, rather than taking time away from
that preparation. He does have a point, though. He developed his skills
through 100 years of fighting in Chaos. If that's what it takes to be as
good as he is, I can live with my lesser skills. I still feel a pang,
though, when I think about staying here in Amber when he and Nicholas
leave for Chaos. Part of me still feels that I should be there, not
staying here. That Chaos is where I could make a difference. I may not
be as good a fighter as Nicholas or Ishmael, but it is one of the things I
do best. The fighting that will be taking place in Amber will be of a
different sort altogether, and not one that I'm good at. I'd be so much
more useful in Chaos... I wish there was some way I could go.
Speaking of Ishmael, I don't think my plan to set him up with
Maddy is succeeding. It's been weeks since I introduced the two of them,
but I've seen no indication that they have any interest in each other.
Pity. I still think she'd be good for Ishmael. He needs someone who
won't let him push them around, and can appreciate his warped sense of
humor. Oh well, so much for my attempt at matchmaking.
Amber, year 21, day 330 (Friday, September 29, 2994)
The basement is finally done on the summer house, and the
foundation has been laid. It's so tempting to start rebuilding it, but
there's only another month or so of good weather before winter sets in,
and it would never be finished in time. It will have to wait until
spring. Maybe by then, the hospital will require less of my attention. I
certainly hope so. There's a certain amount of supervising I'll need to
do on the rebuilding effort for the summer house, and that would be
difficult to do right now.
Amber, year 21, day 335 (Wednesday, October 4, 2994)
I'm really enjoying teaching Grayson, at least most of the time.
It gives me an excuse to be with him without smothering him as his mother.
It makes me so happy to see how well he's adjusting to Amber. He seems to
enjoy almost everything about his new life here, sometimes almost too
much. There are times when I swear that he hasn't given his lesson a
moment's thought since I last saw him, but despite that he manages to do
what I ask him with ease. Natural talent, I suppose. It runs in the
family for him. Probably on Brand's side, too. Brand. Thank the gods
Grayson doesn't take much after him. Every now and then, though, he
focuses on something with an intensity that's downright unnerving, and in
those moments I'm clearly reminded of who fathered him, much as I'd like
to forget it. Fortunately, those moments of intensity are few and far
between. I wish he'd talk more to me about things other than conjuration,
or show more interest in his family, but I tell myself to be patient and
hope that will come with time.
Amber, year 21, day 343 (Thursday, October 12, 2994)
I was hoping Lucien could teach me the spell he used to determine
that I have Loryn's soul, just in case I need it someday. I hate to think
about him dying, but if he does, I want to be able to know when I've found
him again. Only he can't teach me the spell, since he doesn't know it
himself. He had a faerie friend of his do it. I should have known it
wouldn't be that simple. I'm not sure I like that fact that he brought
someone into our bedroom to cast a spell on me while I was sleeping,
either, even if it was several years ago. Which would be the reason he
never told me about it, of course.
Amber, year 21, day 352 (Saturday, October 21, 2994)
I've started wearing my protective clothing underneath my dresses,
now that the colder weather has me wearing outfits long enough to hide it.
It's only a precaution, and it's probably not necessary, but Eral knows
what will happen when the Chasm mends. Better to be safe than sorry.
Amber, year 21, day 355 (Tuesday, October 24, 2994)
Ronan remains missing, as far as I can tell. There's been no sign
of him in Amber yet, and Iseult and Eric are still gone more often than
not. I'd been hoping they would have turned up something by now. The
fact that they did not makes me fear that Vixen did indeed kill him.
Ronan never did trust her. I wish I'd listened to him.
Amber, year 21, day 358 (Friday, October 27, 2994)
Things are still going well with the hospital. The renovation is
proceeding smoothly, although you couldn't tell it to look at the building
right now. What's left of it. The most time consuming thing now is
training the people. It will take years before I have anything
approaching a traditional hospital staff, unfortunately. But I knew this
wouldn't happen overnight. It's a long way to go from basic first aid to
surgery, after all, especially given the technology constraints. No
wonder no one's ever tried doing this before.
Amber, year 21, day 363 (Wednesday, November 1, 2994)
I finally managed to erase a bit of information from my mind
without Lucien's help, although he was still monitoring me to make sure I
didn't make a mistake. It wasn't much, just forgetting a number he had
told me, but it's taken two months of practice just to reach this stage.
Hopefully, with more practice, I'll be able to improve my speed a bit, but
at least I'm past the point of doing myself serious damage, provided I'm
careful about it.
Amber, year 22, day 1 (Saturday, November 4, 2994)
Ishmael and Maddy are married. Married! I still can't quite
believe it. All this time, I thought they had no interest in each other!
Obviously, I was wrong. How could I have missed this? Even the children
knew what was going on. Well, the older ones, at least. I suppose that's
to be expected, since Ishmael and Maddy are their tutors, after all.
Well, were. But I've been sparring with Ishmael, and talking with Maddy,
and I never suspected any of this. How could I have missed it?
What really hurts is that they didn't invite me to the wedding.
Of course, they didn't invite anybody, really, but still... I know
neither of them had family here, except for Luther, I suppose, but Ishmael
barely knows him. And Eral knows how Whimsy would have reacted to the
idea of a wedding. But I thought I was their friend. So why did they
hide it from me until afterwards?
Amber, year 22, day 2 (Sunday, November 5, 2994)
Last night was wonderful! I feel so much better now. I think I
would have enjoyed my birthday anyway, just because it was my first one at
home in five years, but Lucien really outdid himself. There's nothing
like a night of good food and sex to make you feel that all is right with
the world.
Amber, year 22, day 4 (Tuesday, November 7, 2994)
The Chasm will close tomorrow. I'm surprised Nicholas was able to
determine the exact date, but it's rather a relief to know when it's going
to happen. I don't know precisely what will happen, of course, but given
that the creation of the Chasm caused a massive earthquake, it seems a
safe bet that the mending will have some sort of effect here. As a
precaution, I've canceled the children's lessons for tomorrow and
instructed them to stay home. I want them close by when the effect hits.
Just in case.
"Outrageous Fortune"
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