Session 138
Vetchways?
Morning
The bolt is gone. But something's wrong. I don't recognize this
room, nor the woman sleeping in the chair. And I'm not completely healed.
I can tell that my heart muscle was recently repaired, but there's still
a hole in the surrounding tissue. My heart...I thought Sand had missed
it. How could I have remained standing if she hit it? Much less run
after her. Shock. I must have been in shock. People do strange things
when they're in shock. I saw it when I was in medical school, but I've
never experienced it. That would explain why I felt so slow. And why the
tip of the arrow was moving in time with my heart. But why did Lucien
heal my heart, but nothing else? I feel so tired...weak. Not just
physically, but mentally, too. It's hard to think straight. Could there
be drugs in my I.V., drugs to cloud my mind? And inhibit my body's
healing process? I tried to heal myself, but I felt so dizzy, I had to
stop. Maybe I'm not in Vetchways at all. Maybe this is one of Sand's
illusions again. Or maybe I've been captured by someone else. Why else
would they heal me just enough to let me live, but not enough for me to
leave my bed? But how could that happen? I remember waking up on
Whimsy's floor, and I saw Lucien there. He was holding me. I can't
believe anyone could have taken me from him. But then why am I in this
strange room? And why didn't he finish healing me? Surely this sort of
injury is not beyond his skill? And why isn't he here? Does he think
Sand is in my head now? Is he drugging me to keep her at bay?
Vetchways, year 27, day 252
The woman is a demon, and she's obviously here to keep an eye on me.
I should have removed the I.V. instead of awakening her. I could have
ignored the needs of my bladder, at least long enough to see if my head
cleared at all once the I.V. was no longer attached. Obviously I'm not
thinking clearly, but I knew that already. At least I talked the doctor
into an hour's reprieve. If he was a doctor. Do they have doctor's in
the Courts? He must have medical training of some kind, enough to put in
an I.V. It's not something that just anyone can do. Certainly the demon
couldn't. I'll have to hope an hour is enough time for the effects of the
drugs to wear off. If there are any drugs to begin with. Then again, if
an hour was enough time for me to notice a change, then surely the doctor
wouldn't have allowed it, would he? And if I'm not being drugged, then
why do I feel this way? He said I've been unconscious for a week! I
should have healed more if it's been a week. I wish I'd understood what
he said to the demon. It must be a Real language of some kind. Not
faerie, though. I'd understand faerie. A demon language of some kind?
Does such a thing even exist? I don't know. I feel so tired. What if I
fall asleep before the hour is up, and he puts the I.V. back in without my
realizing it? I have to stay awake. Maybe I can get the demon to talk to
me. Surely if I'm talking, I can stay awake.
The demon's name is Millicent. Well, I'm sure it's not her real name.
Demons don't give out their real names. Just like faeries. I wonder if
they're related, somehow? I asked her to tell me about the Courts - what
they're like now, what they were like under Zane. I figured it would keep
her talking for a while, and I'll need to know it all anyway, if I'm going
to be living here from now on. Assuming this stay lasts longer than the
last one. Some of it I knew already, but I didn't tell her that. As long
as she talks, I can stay awake. And some of it I didn't know. Like why
it was so easy for Lucien to take over from Angelique. Why the House
remembers him as anything more than a distant memory. 800 years is a long
time, after all, and I'm sure Zane called him a traitor. But Angelique
kept the House's memory of him alive, with stories about the glory he
brought to the House, and the prosperity that came with it. I had to
smile at that. Prosperity? The Hendrakes' vendetta eliminated most of
the House, and the rest was in hiding. The House didn't even technically
exist until after the civil war, when Lucien reestablished it. And the
time between then and Zane's insurrection was short indeed. I wouldn't
exactly call that prosperity. Survival yes, but not prosperity.
Millicent claims that life without danger is dull. Maybe danger equals
prosperity to her. Or maybe the whole House is just suicidal. If there's
anyone who deserves credit for the House's current prosperity, it's
Angelique. Why is she so unwilling to claim the credit for it? Does she
love Lucien so much that she cannot see her own achievements? Or does she
simply consider herself entirely shaped by him, and therefore her
achievements are his own?
At least the Courts are more open now than they were in the past, if
Millicent is to be believed. Not that she remembers the past, she's too
young, but I hope she's right. I don't know enough about Despil to know
what kind of man he is, but he seems to be well-liked. At least by most.
I'm sure there are some surviving supporters of Zane that don't like
Despil much at all. I wonder where I fit in that puzzle? Will I suffer
any repercussions for being Zane's daughter, despite the fact that I
didn't know him, and didn't support him? Or will my position as Lucien's
wife protect me from that? It was easy to forget about my relation to
Zane while I was in Amber, but now that I'm in Chaos, it's harder to
ignore. Zane was such a monster, after all. He even killed Bartholomew's
sister, Constance. Poor Adam. No wonder he opposed Zane so vigorously.
What could Zane have been thinking, to do such a thing, knowing he would
just stiffen Adam's opposition to him? Maybe he wasn't thinking at all.
Everything I hear seems to indicate he was quite mad. Still, if he was so
insane, how did he stay in power for so long?
I'm wandering again. It's so hard to focus right now. I don't know
how much time has passed, but I don't feel any better. What were we
talking about again? Oh yes, Adam. And losing Constance. Millicent says
he loved her very much. Poor man. Millicent doesn't understand why it
would be hard for him to recover from her loss. Those of House Vetch, she
says, accept that life is short and you simply move on. What would she
say if she knew the Lord she reveres so much passed 2,000 years without
recovering from the loss of his first wife? I don't think Lucien would
thank me for shattering her illusions. He hid his grief for Loryn very
well indeed. I wonder if anyone but me will ever know just how much it
hurt him? Except for Tamaryn. She knew. She saw it happen. How hard
that must have been for her.
Still finding it hard to focus. What's Millicent saying now? Oh yes,
the current Heads of House. I missed some, but no matter, I can ask
Lucien about them later. If I see him later. If this is really
Vetchways. Focus on what Millicent is saying. Despil's brother Jurt is
ruling Sawall now. Adam still rules Helgram. Lucretia is in charge of
Borge. Fenar died in the war. I'm glad. Why does Lucretia sound
familiar? Oh yes, she's Alex's mother. I think. A woman named Claire is
in charge of Jesby. She's like Flora, obsessed with etiquette. I wonder
if she knew Flora, back when Gramble was alive? I hope I don't have to
meet her until I figure out what the proper etiquette is here in the
Courts. She must be the one who's making Whimsy marry Edwin. Poor
Whimsy. Except Whimsy could get out of it if she wanted to. The bastard
she killed deserved it, after all. Maybe she likes Edwin more than she
wants to admit.
Footsteps. My hour is up already. It can't be, not yet. I don't
feel any better. Just tired, very tired. There's something else I need
to ask Millicent, something important. Oh yes, Vincent, how is Vincent?
Is he all right? Did Sand take over his mind? Millicent doesn't even
know who he is. Is that because we haven't been here long, or because she
isn't really part of House Vetch? I don't know. There's no way I can be
sure. Just like there's no way I can stop the doctor from putting the
I.V. back in. I don't have the strength to fight. So I'll cooperate, for
now. What choice do I have? I can only wait for Lucien to come.
Millicent will let him know that I need to speak to him. When he comes,
then I'll know I'm safe. But now, I think I'll sleep. I can't fight it
anymore.
Afternoon
Lasker is trying to find me. He's even resorted to threatening poor
Felix, claiming Tamaryn will do if he doesn't find me. And Gavin is
working for him. Gods, I feel so cold. Why does Lasker want me? Did my
blood give him the power he now possesses? Maybe it's wearing off and he
needs another infusion. Or maybe he wants my blood for the vampires he
controls. Eral, if he's learned of my ability to transfuse others, if he
knows of how I sustained Shard initially...maybe he intends to use that
ability to fuel him and his followers. And there's nothing I can do to
stop him if he finds me. I can't even sit up on my own. How could I
possibly defend myself? I have to tell Lucien. Gods, where is he? Why
hasn't he come yet? I can't be a prisoner somewhere if Felix was able to
reach me. Can I?
At least the baby seems to have come through this ordeal all right.
My mind is so foggy that I didn't even think to check on him until now. I
have to be careful, for his sake. No matter how much I want to try to get
out of here, to run and hide from Lasker, I can't risk doing anything that
might cause me to lose the baby. I'm lucky getting shot in the heart
didn't cause me to miscarry. Maybe that's why I seem to be healing so
slowly. Maybe most of my energy is focused on keeping him alive. But if
that's the case, it still doesn't explain why Lucien didn't finish healing
me himself.
I feel terrible for my earlier thoughts about why I was here. But
what was I supposed to think, waking up in a strange place, with no one I
recognized? And feeling so unnaturally tired with my healing incomplete?
It was certainly possible that I was a prisoner somewhere. Or that Lucien
was drugging me to keep Sand at bay. I wouldn't even have blamed him.
But he wasn't. This strange mental tiredness is due to something Sand did
to me while I was in Vincent's head. Lucien thinks it has to do with when
she shot me. That she made me believe the arrow was real. But how?
Maybe I could believe that was true with the first two bolts, since I saw
them coming...although, if belief was a factor, then surely my belief that
my armor was real should have lessened the damage. But the third bolt,
the one that wounded me so seriously, I didn't even see coming. She shot
me in the back. How could she convince me that it was real when I didn't
even see it coming? Perhaps Lucien's second suggestion was correct.
Maybe she Trumped a real arrow into me. After all, if my body could be in
there, why not a crossbow bolt? It would explain why the bolt remained in
my body, even after I was free of Vincent's head. Were they all real, or
only the last one? I don't suppose it matters. It was the last one that
did so much damage. So much inexplicable damage. Lucien is afraid to
heal the rest of the physical damage, since he doesn't understand the
mental damage, or how the two are tied together. And just healing my
heart took a lot out of him. It just doesn't make any sense. Even if
that final crossbow bolt was real, why would that hurt my mind so? It
should only have caused the same sort of damage to me that it would have
caused in the real world. What caused the injury to my mind, then? Could
it be the manner in which I freed myself? A result of passing through the
Fount while in contact with Sand? Lucien cannot detect her in my mind,
and unlike Vincent when she possessed him, my own strength of mind has not
increased. But if Whimsy is correct in her belief that Sand is no longer
in Vincent, she must have gone somewhere. So, either Sand is in my mind,
but has found a way to hide her presence, or she went someplace
else...like into the mind of the baby. Eral, it's too terrible to even
contemplate. What if, in saving one child from Sand, I have condemned the
other? Gods, this is why I did not wish to have any more children. I
didn't want to face this awful uncertainty...the fear that I may have hurt
yet another child of mine...ever again. What am I going to do if it's
true? Kill my baby? How can I do that? But if I don't, and she's taken
over his mind, then I'll be releasing her on the world again. Oh gods,
please don't let it come to that. I don't think it's a decision I can
make.
At least Lucien has eased my concerns about Lasker somewhat. Even if
Lasker knows where I am, it will be difficult for him to get to me. It
would take him a while to travel through Shadow, and Brand is unlikely to
have given him a Trump of Vetchways. Brand might have given him a Trump
of me, however. It would be just like Brand to give Lasker a means of
contacting his victim at a later date. And if Lasker's mind is as strong
as Shard's, I don't think that I could block him. Lucien says he knows of
a way to prevent me from receiving Trumps, though. I'll feel a lot better
once I have it. I suppose I should be thankful that we're not still in
Amber. It would be much easier for Lasker to get to me there, and Lucien
couldn't protect me as effectively as he can in his Ways. He once said
his Ways were so well protected that they were the only place he could
ever feel completely at ease. I pray he was right about that.
So much happened while I was unconscious. I wasn't expecting to hear
that Nicholas' war with Finndo was over already. Nor that it had ended in
such a fashion. It's so strange to think that it was all settled with a
duel. Thank the gods. Nicholas' chief complaint was with Finndo, after
all. Why should Amber's soldiers have had to pay the price for his grief?
I'm relieved that Finndo didn't kill Nicholas, even though I'm sure
Nicholas would have killed Finndo if he could have managed it. He isn't
well. Too much grief can drive you crazy, and he's experienced so much of
it...losing his father, his mother, Beauty and then his sister. I just
hope that the treatment he's getting will help him get through that,
eventually. At least they are treating him, instead of just throwing him
in some Shadow to rot. Like Sand. I guess Random learned from that
mistake. I wonder who's taking care of Corbin now?
So I can go home now, if I want to. We didn't need to flee here after
all. Lucien didn't need to take over the House again in order to protect
us. No, I can't think about it that way, or I'll just break down and cry,
and I won't do that in front of Lucien. Besides, if it hadn't happened
now, it would have happened eventually. Lucien's been Head of House for
so long, I'm not sure he can ever truly abandon it for good. The question
is, what do I do now? Once I'm recovered, I mean. If I recover. Do I
return to Amber, knowing that Lucien won't come with me...can't come with
me, really. His honor wouldn't allow him to abandon his position so soon
after resuming it. But the alternative is for me to stay here in this
strange place. To make Chaos my home now. Can I do that? Can I ever
feel comfortable enough here to call it home? I don't know. But I at
least have to try. I owe Lucien that much, at least. He did live with me
for all of those years in Amber without complaint. Surely I can manage to
do the same.
Vetchways, year 27, day 253
Morning
Millicent is being very careful to stay awake now. Poor girl. Days
of guarding a comatose woman, and the one time she chooses to nod off, I
wake up. Assuming that was the first time. I wonder what Lucien would
have done if I'd mentioned that lapse to him when he asked if her service
was satisfactory? Not that I would have told him. I'd hate to see her
get in trouble for a simple mistake. Besides, I kind of like her. And
being as new here as I am, I can use all the potential allies that I can
get.
Evening
I really hate being injured. Lying here, not able to see the
children, or even get up and go to the bathroom. I hate it. But I have
no choice. I mustn't push myself until I've recovered, for the baby's
sake if nothing else. I won't risk losing him due to my impatience. And
for Lucien's sake, as well. I doubt he'd be pleased if, after all his
effort, I managed to kill myself because I lacked the patience to lie
quietly for a time. This past week must have been very hard on him. I
know full well how difficult it can be when someone you love is gravely
injured, and there's nothing you can do about it. I've never forgotten
what it was like to watch him suffer from Chaos cancer. And while I'm
sure Lucien will never admit it, I doubt he enjoyed the realization that,
even with all of his shapeshifting skill, he could not heal me. I just
wish I understood why he couldn't. What could be wrong with me? Could I
have Chaos cancer? Is that why he couldn't heal me? No, surely he would
have told me...wouldn't he?
I wish I could see the children. I keep remembering what I saw in
Vincent's head...what Sand made me see...Ana and Briana dying so horribly.
It's hard to forget those terrible images. They even stay with me in my
dreams. Part of me won't believe they are truly all right until I see
them with my own eyes. And Vincent... I know Lucien says he's all right,
but I still want to see him. I want to talk to him, to make sure Sand's
finally left him in peace. To know that something good came out of this
mess, in the end.
Vetchways, year 27, day 254
Afternoon
I think I finally understand why Lucien focused so much on
shapeshifting, almost to the exclusion of all else. And perhaps why
Benedict has done the same where the arts of war are concerned. Almost
everything else can be taken from you. That became very clear when I was
trapped in Vincent's mind, and Sand was hunting me. Pattern, Trump,
magic, none of it worked. Even my armor and sword were useless. If I
hadn't been able to shapeshift, I would have died in there. It's sobering
to realize that's all that kept me from death, and even that was barely
enough.
Vetchways, year 27, day 255
Morning
I can't believe Gavin tried to Trump me. Did he honestly think I'd
answer him? Maybe he doesn't know that Felix warned me against him.
Gods, if Lucien hadn't brought me that Trump Ward, I doubt I could have
resisted the contact...Gavin's mind has always been very strong. I'm sure
that's part of why Lasker recruited him. I let Lucien know about the
attempt, but he didn't seem concerned. I suppose that if he isn't, I
shouldn't be either. Still, I don't think I'm going to be able to get
back to sleep for a while.
Evening (Thursday, December 29, 4)
For a second, I thought Gavin was trying to reach me again, but it
turned out to be Alexandra. Her news was rather bizarre, to say the
least. Tamaryn has turned almost everyone in the family into faeries, to
protect them from the vampires. Naturally, they're wreaking havoc. While
I can hardly argue against the use of faerie form to keep vampires from
seeing you, since I've used it for that very purpose myself, I can't
understand what possessed Tamaryn to do it to everyone. Surely she must
have expected them to be somewhat overwhelmed by the innate faerie sense
of mischief? I wish there was something I could do to help. It's so
frustrating to be stuck here like this.
Lucien thinks the whole Tamaryn situation is an Amber problem. I
suppose, from his perspective, it is. I mean, she may be his daughter,
but she did marry an Amberite. He must find it rather ironic that
Benedict is the one chasing her, though. His sister's child in pursuit of
his own. Part of me almost wishes I could watch the chase.
At least I haven't been gone for over a week from the children's
perspective. They've only passed a couple of days in my absence. It
seems that Lucien has me in a part of the Ways that runs faster than the
rest. That explains why I'm not in my own bedroom. He offered to move me
back, but I'd rather stay here until I've recovered more. That way, not
too much time should pass for the children before I'm well enough to see
them. Seeing me now, with this big bandage around my chest, not to
mention all of the tubes, would only frighten the younger ones. I just
hope I do heal, at some point. What if I'm stuck like this forever?
Lucien's offered to set up a scrying pool for me. I can't wait. At
least now I'll have something to occupy me when I'm awake. It's rather
lonely here sometimes, when Lucien is gone. I understand that with his
duties as Head of House, he can't be here all the time, especially since
the area is running faster than the rest of the Ways, but it's hard to be
alone when you can't get out of bed. Besides, I have to admit, I'm rather
curious to see what's going on in Amber, given what Alexandra told me of
the situation there. I guess I'll know soon enough.
"Outrageous Fortune"
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