Day Four

I cannot sleep. I am returned to my home in Rebma, still stinging from my four day excursion into Amber. Has it been so long? So short? Shorter than the time I have remaining, which can never now be long enough. I am engaged to be married, an event to which I can attribute little pleasure. It is not the thought of belonging to a woman, for what else could give life meaning? I accept the fact that I must someday come under the control of a single female. I cannot, as has Mother done, remain single all of my life. By the time he's one hundred, a man can no longer gain polite company unless he is firmly attached. Or has been left enough wealth to support eccentricity. I neither expect Llewella's end by that time nor doubt that she would divert her estate elsewhere to spare me such troubling choice of lifestyle. Nor does it really surprise me that my marriage was arranged for me. It's a relief, really, in a sense. I could not, after all, be trusted to make such an important decision on my own, and I must confess that she has outdone herself in providing so well for my future. The problem is just that. The future. If it was to occur within the next few years, it would be bearable. I could gain her acquaintance, find common ground, build it if necessary, and then it would be done. She's three days old! It'll be about fourteen years before we have anything in common. How can I get to know her without shaping her in the process? How can I see my wife as a child? It's all so sick and wrong. I have years to worry about that, however, and it would be selfish of me to obsess on my own problems when a woman is crying in my bed. I do not know how to help Lyss. I don't know if I even can. But she befriended me against terrible opposition, and I cannot let that debt drop. She has many insecurities, and I believe she may feel unworthy of her legacy. Tomorrow, I will find out what her heritage means to her, and perhaps I can help her find ways to accept her place in it. Ahab's behavior toward her is unconscionable. His opinion of me should not be affecting her in this way. I never meant to lower anyone but myself.

"Outrageous Fortune"
Bartholomew's Diaries
Other PC Diaries and Contributions

All text on this page is © 1994 by Sean Frost.

Last modified on January 12, 1999 by Kris Fazzari.