Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired? Does life treat you the way a dog treats a fire hydrant? Do your letters come addressed to "The Worthless Waste of Human Life"? Welcome to the real world, pal! Most of us just suck it up and go another 24, but if you want to take the cowardly way out because you can't take any more pain, then far be it from us to stop you. Most people think there's too much pee in the gene pool anyway. Besides, if you've got determination and drive, we probably couldn't stop you. On the other hand, if you had determination and drive then you would be a huge success and other people would be trying to kill you instead. If you're at the end of your rope, and don't have the money to go to Dr. Kevorkian, we'll teach you how to get off Darwin's Magic Bus Ride in the Orbit guide to suicide.

Pre-suicide planning
Should you commit suicide?
For some people, this answer is very clear, for others it's as murky as a Mexican restaurant's toilet. You should probably remove yourself from the gene pool if you meet any of the following criteria:

• You've seen an entire episode of "Hee-Haw".
• You have a dream catcher hanging from your rearview mirror.
• Lifetime prison sentence combined with bad case of hemorrhoids.
• You're upset that the Presidents of The United States broke up.
• You've been seen in public with your boyfriend/girlfriend wearing identical clothing.
• You're a mouth-breathing, tobacco-chewin', rebel flag-sportin', monster truck hick with a gun rack and a bumper sticker that reads "Bad ass boys drive bad ass toys".
• Ozzy Osbourne told you to.
• You're a 45 year-old virgin who lives with his parents.
• You're a Spice Girl
• You've seen "Titanic" more that 3 times.
• You've been on the Jerry Springer show. (added by me)

Personal Items
Once you're dead, you have little or no control over what happens to your personal belongings, so if you want to give that autographed copy of "Foreigner's Greatest Hits" to your best friend Marlene, you better do it before the big dirt nap.
Spend ALL of your money. It's yours! Why would you want to leave it for the money-grubbing good-for-nothings that drove you to suicide in the first place? You can't take it with you, so you might as well go out in one last consumer blaze of glory. Burn $100 bills, rent $1000-a-night escorts, run the Visa bill to the max. Make them bury you wearing nothing but a toe tag and stick them with the bill.

Location, Location, Location
The most important thing to do once you decide to die is to make sure no one finds you until you're dead! If someone stops you in the act, you could be paralyzed, maimed, or worse yet-sterilized! You don't want to end up blowing your gonads off because Aunt Alice opened the attic door. If you have a favorite enemy, do it at their place. Not only will they have the unbelieveable task of finding you, but they're also responsible for the cleanup, and for a few days, they're a suspect in your murder. If you're killing yourself to impress someone else, videotape it. Nothing says "I hate you!" like a pool of your own blood.

Take advantage of the situation
One of the strange things that happens when you commit to suicide is that once you accept your inevitable death, life becomes a lot more fun. Most of the rules of life don't apply to you, because you're already dead. Stop dieting, do drugs, rob a bank, have sex with many strange people. Every night is Saurday Night! Just remember, if you wuss out, you've got to deal with the consequences.

The Suicide
Once you commit to suicide, don't tell anyone unless you want attention. You don't want someone talking you out of it, or worse yet, killing themselves with you and stealing your moment of glory. Remember, your body will fight you every step of the way - if your life doesn't pass before your eyes, then you're not doing something right. If it does, and you liked what you saw, you're probably doing something right.

Suicide Pacts
avoid them at all costs! Suicide is your last selfish act! You don't want your final breath to be lumped in with someone else's. If you let some death mooch die with you, prepare for an eternity with him/her. Some religions believe that you'll spend the entire afterlife with the person that was physically closest to you when you bite the bullet.
*Bonus Tip: If you want to leave a good looking corpse, wear extra-heavy diapers because you when you die, you crap your pants. You might want to consider an enema before-hand.

Suicide Notes
You have to leave a note! Tell everyone why you did it, unless you're a rock star. If you're a rock star, everyone will buy your records in search of clues that you were going to off yourself. Your record company will be very appreciative.