From: rec.humor.funny
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the quotient of (sin x)/(n)?
six! The n's cancel.
16
What's -- ?
64
1
Well, the 6's cancel leaving ---
4
Strange how that works!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The limit as n goes to infinity of sin(x)/n is 6.
Proof: cancel the n in the numerator and denominator.
Micah Fogel, UC-Berkeley
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What does a mathematician do when he's constipated?
A. He works it out with a pencil.
Joseph Costa, NOSC
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three standard Peter Lax jokes (heard in his lectures) :
1. What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
Answer: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!
Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but
they are removable!
2. An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his very religious
colleague:
Do you believe in one God?
Answer: Yes, up to isomorphism!
3. What is a compact city?
It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted policemen!
Abdolreza Tahvildarzadeh, NYU
Q: What's purple and commutes?
A: An abelian grape.
Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
A: Zorn's Lemon.
James Currie
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's nonorientable and lives in the sea?
Möbius Dick.
Jeff Dalton, U. of Edinburgh, UK
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?
A: Because he left a residue at every pole.
Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.
Steve Friedl, V-Systems, Inc.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about."
Philippe Schnoebelen
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Moebius always does it on the same side.
Heisenberg might have slept here.
Aaron Avery, University of Wisconsin
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here's a limerick I picked up off the net a few years back - looks better
on paper.
3
\/3
/
| 2 3 x 3.14 3_
| z dz x cos( ----------) = ln (\/e )
| 9
/
1
Which, of course, translates to:
Integral z-squared dz
from 1 to the cube root of 3
times the cosine
of three pi over 9
equals log of the cube root of 'e'.
And it's correct, too.
Doug Walker, SAS Institute
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is "pi"?
Mathematician: Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the
circumference of a circle and its diameter.
Physicist: Pi is 3.1415927 plus or minus 0.000000005
Engineer: Pi is about 3.
David Harr, Occidental College
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lemma: All horses are the same color.
Proof (by induction):
Case n=1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all horses
in that set are the same color.
Case n=k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these
horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all of
these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you took
out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k horses
now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses are all
the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all horses are
the same color.
Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs.
Proof (by intimidation):
Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It
is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in
back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a
horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is infinity;
therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs.
However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an
infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different
color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist.
QED
Jerry Weldon, Livermore Labs
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I saw the following scrawled on a math office blackboard in college:
1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1
Rob Gardner, HP Ft. Collins, CO
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
lim ----
8-->9 \/ 8 = 3
Donald Chinn, UC-Berkeley
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
lim 3 = 8
w->oo
(It is more obvious when handwritten...)
Jorge Stolfi, DEC Systems Research Center, Palo Alto, CA
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Asked how his pet parrot died, the mathematican answered
"Polynomial. Polygon."
---
Lumberjacks make good musicians because of their natural logarithms.
---
Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square.
---
A physics joke:
"Energy equals milk chocolate square"
Naoto Kimura, Cal State-Northridge
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Russell to Whitehead: "My Goedel is killing me!"
Dennis Healy, Dartmouth
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Statisticians probably do it.
Algebraists do it in groups.
Al Sethuraman, Calma Company, San Diego
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
C programmers do it with long pointers.
(Logicians do it) or [not (logicians do it)].
Scott Horne
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Theorem: a cat has nine tails.
Proof:
No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. Therefore,
a cat has nine tails.
Arndt Jonasson
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Theorem : All positive integers are equal.
Proof : Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B,
A = B. Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A
and B (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.
Proceed by induction.
If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1.
So A = B.
Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B
with MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence
(A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B.
Keith Goldfarb
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.
John C. George, U.Illinois Urbana-Champaign
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Philosopher: "Resolution of the continuum hypothesis will have
profound implications to all of science."
Physicist: "Not quite. Physics is well on its way without those
mythical `foundations'. Just give us serviceable mathematics."
Computer Scientist:
"Who cares? Everything in this Universe seems to be finite
anyway. Besides, I'm too busy debugging my Pascal programs."
Mathematician:
"Forget all that! Just make your formulae as aesthetically
pleasing as possible!"
Keitaro Yukawa, U. of Victoria, B.C, CANADA
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
/
| d(cabin)
Q: What is | -------- ?
| cabin
/
A: natural log cabin
Dan Beckler
Daniel McGurl
Walter Daugherity
John Smith (who adds: log cabin + C = houseboat)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's d(hi/ho)?
A: (ho d(hi) - hi d(ho)) over (ho ho) !!
Mark Frydenberg
------------------------------------------------------------------------
As seen on the Simpsons:
Take the integral of 3d(r^2) (where d is a constant)
The answer is d(r^3) or rdrr ...get it (ha)rd(ha)r(ha)r
David P. Lawrence
Mark Moir
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mathematicians do it in groups, rings, and fields.
Dan Beckler
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a palm tree?
A: Elephant * palm tree * sine theta.
Peter Hamlen
Alex Elliott
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with an elephant?
A: You can't! A mountain climber's a scalar (scaler).
(Another variation that this reminded me of:
Q: What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito?
A: You can't cross a vector with a scalar!)
Peter Hamlen
Alex Elliott
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What did the vector say to the scalar?
A: I'm getting tensor and tensor.
Q: What did the scalar respond?
A: Don't pull rank on me.
Peter Hamlen
------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's an old MIT football cheer:
E to the x, dy, dx,
E to the x, dx.
Secant, tangent, cosine, sine,
3.14159.
Square root, cube root, log base e,
Cheers for math at MIT.
Walter Daugherity
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Theorem: 1 = 2
Proof:
Use: df(x)/dx = dg(x)/dx for f(x) = g(x)
x^2 = x + x ... x
<- x times ->
so: d(x^2)/dx == 2x
== d(x + x ... x)/dx == (1 + 1 ... 1) == x
<- x times -> <- x times ->
Therefore 2x = x.
Assigning x = 1 yields 2 = 1.
Q. E. D.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do programmers and mathematicians have trouble distinguishing
Halloween from Christmas?
Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.
Dennis Williamson <73260.350@compuserve.com>
Back to the Gödel, Escher, Bach page.
John Lawler