PERU’S BLUES BLOWS...With radar assistance from the United States, the Peru military has shot down a private plane SUSPECTED of smuggling drugs - which turned out to just have missionaries aboard. Peru apologized for the mistake once they realized the plane was merely carrying the opiate of the masses.

MCVEIGH AND AWAY...The schizophrenic pro-life/pro-death-penalty U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft decided in April that survivors and family members of Oklahoma City bombing victims will be allowed to watch the execution of convicted bomber Timothy McVeigh. (Hey, isn’t his middle name missing? He can’t be a serious killer if you don’t call him by all three names.) They’ll witness the lethal-injection death on a secure, closed-circuit television feed - but will have to cough up the cash themselves if they want to add surround sound. (Which really isn’t worth it unless it’s an electrocution.)

THE GREAT WHITE NORTH...According to recent census data, Maine, New Hampshire and Vermont are the three whitest states in the union - and it has nothing to do with the snow. Figures cite Maine at 96.9% white, Vermont at 96.8% and New Hampshire at 96.0%. White supremacists in Idaho have already packed their bags (Randy Weaver’s even back in Iowa), but the real problem is one of culture. I don’t think these "rebels" would be interested in calling themselves "yankees" do you?...They’d probably have a problem with "minutemen" too.

THE NAKED AND THE DEAD... Participation in the 2001 Naked Mile (at least they SAID it was a mile, but guys have been known to lie about the length) was substantially down over previous years, thanks to threats of sex-offender prosecution by Ann Arbor police. As a result, authorities decided to only charge ugly runners....Yet the truly ugly ones, the pitiful ones, are those with video cameras and grabby hands strategically positioned along the runners’ one-mile route. Between print, video and internet porn, plus the obvious strip clubs, who really needs to be hanging at the perimeter spraining their wrist in a raincoat? Now, if you want to document the youthful exuberance of someone who may later turn into a reactionary conservative politician - I’ll support your right to videotape with my last dying battery....In an unrelated story, former president of Students for a Democratic Society Al Haber, commenting on whether the U would admit that DPS officers are currently infiltrating campus student groups, said, "I’m sure the University would deny it until they’re caught with their pants down."

HAVE A BUSCH - LIGHT...Jenna W. Bush (enough of the W’s already), one of President Bush’s 19-year-old twin daughters, has been charged with alcohol possession by a minor. Caught in an Austin, Texas Cheers (where if everyone knew her name why didn’t they know she’s under-age?), Jenna was issued a "field release citation" by city police. A spokesperson was at a loss to explain how, despite 24-hour Secret Service protection, they failed to prevent such activity. Rest assured, "We are not going to condone any violations of the law," they said (but I notice she wasn’t arrested)....Recall that during the 2000 campaign, George W. Bush’s 1976 drunk driving arrest was widely publicized. At the time he said he had not disclosed the arrest because he did not want his daughters to know about his irresponsible behavior. I have a feeling Jenna would have liked the opportunity to carry on the family tradition.

ANOTHER SUPREME HIT...on constitutional rights...In a surprise decision the U.S. Supreme Court in April ruled that police have the power to arrest and jail misdemeanor violators - even for crimes only punishable by fine and not by jail time. [Note: In Austin, if your dad’s the President and you’re an under-age drinker in a bar, you walk away with a citation. In Cincinnati, if you have too many parking tickets apparently the police can shoot you.]...The case in point involved a Texas soccer mom who was arrested because she and her children were not wearing seat belts in their vehicle. So I guess the message is: if you thought seat belts were too confining, try handcuffs....Isn’t it great to live in a free society?

DOWN ON THE PHARM...In a striking departure from the norm, 39 international pharmaceutical companies have abandoned legal efforts to prevent South Africa from importing cheaper, generic anti-AIDS drugs. In the face of a humanitarian disaster, the public relations experts decided it was cheaper to give in than risk a worsening public image. So how long before the big pharmaceuticals cry poverty? About a month before they announce their own Pharm-Aid concert. (But would Willie Nelson host? While he tends to prefer more organic drugs, only his tax accountant knows for sure.)

YAHOO FOR PORN!...Yahoo.com has officially gone into the pornography business by making commissions on banners posted through their domain. It’s the first "major" business to do so. Which won’t change a great deal for most cyberpornsters - general Yahoo searches only turned up porn sites anyway.