SEE JERRY. SEE JERRY FALL. SEE JERRY FALL WELL...Every so often it seems the Reverend Jerry Falwell has to say something regrettable in order to get into the news. This time the Rev made an outrageous statement in the immediate aftermath of September’s terrorist attacks, suggesting that America’s attitudes on abortion and gay rights had brought this on itself. You know, sort of an expanded version of the twisted Religious Right’s "AIDS is God’s revenge on homosexuals" epithet. Of course he apologized after the reaction was negative (remember his back-pedaling on Tinky-Winky?. "Just testin’ the ‘holy’ waters" he seems to say.)...In support of the country, Americans are buying out flags Right and Left (how sad that most are made under subhuman conditions in China - hardly the American way). When Falwell heard that the country was running out of flags he became very excited - until it was repeated to him S-L-O-W-L-Y...

WHERE ARE THEY NOW DEPT. (AND WHO CARES?)...I’m not saying heavy metal music causes brain damage, but after the terrorist anthrax scare the ’80s band Anthrax actually thought they were receiving free publicity....But America is clearly overreacting to the situation. More people died at their concerts than by these powdery envelopes. (Although many of them probably died from other sorts of powdery envelopes.)

IS THE WORLD SERIES REALLY SERIOUS?...The major US media is trying to convince the rest of America to root for the Yankees against Arizona in the World Series. If New Yorkers think they need to win another World Series Championship to overcome the terrorist attacks, then they’re not as tough as they pretend to be....And what’s wrong with another team beating them at their own game? (And by "own game" of course I don’t mean baseball - I mean, BUYING UP ALL THE REMAINING GOOD PLAYERS!!!)...Diamond-back-atchya baby!

AN OBSERVATION...Perhaps if we used more hydrogen-fuel cells we could be less concerned with the terrorist ones.

YOU’LL KNOW CULTURAL SOPHISTICATION is at an all-time low when restaurants are forced to ban hommus because it’s a terrorist organization.

IT’S THAT TIME OF YEAR...Has anyone ever actually seen an umbrella repair shop?...OK, how about an umbrella recycling bin? Imagine them popping open in landfills....How long before someone makes this narrow issue their pet fundraising project?

THE SOUND OF SILENCE/AN ‘INNER EAR’ PROBLEM...Rush Limbaugh, the overly-conservative radio talk show host has announced that he is rapidly going deaf due to a non-genetic condition about which he won’t elaborate. This has all transpired in the last three months, and as dramatic as it sounds, he still wants to do his show. Personally, I don’t see why he shouldn’t. It’s not as if it would change how he listens to dissenting voices....And besides, he’d finally have a legitimate excuse.

DOWN FOR THE COUNT...98 year-old US Senator from South Carolina Strom Thurmond again collapsed on the floor of the Senate last month, breaking the all-time record held by Sen. Edward Kennedy....Aides to Sen. Thurmond immediately realized he was in danger when they couldn’t hear his customary snoring....The ambulance that took him away did not use its siren for fear of giving the Senator a heart attack.

SUGGESTION BOXED...In an attempt to inspire public confidence in the handling of the current crisis, the Pentagon has appealed to Americans to send in ideas on preventing terrorism. Like that’s going to make anyone feel better? I’m sorry, but isn’t that what we taxpayers pay YOU to do?...I had a few thoughts but was unsure whether they’re reading their mail right now.

GOING POSTAL...With their anthrax attacks through the mail, for all of their hatred the terrorists clearly demonstrated an embarrassing unfamiliarity with America. Because they have pissed-off the wrong people. Neither rain, nor snow nor dead of night will stop the postal worker from exacting revenge.

‘YOU’ FLY THE FRIENDLY SKIES IF THEY’RE SO GODDAMN FRIENDLY/SAVE US A SEAT ON AIR FORCE ONE...President Bush advised Americans to return to their normal lives as much as possible after the terrorist attacks, even recommending they go on planned vacations and trips to Disney World. And then he casually mentioned that the Air Force would now be shooting wayward airliners out of the sky as a precautionary measure. So, bon voyage! Or should I say, "Geronimo!"?

A ‘SHOW’ OF FORCE...The National Guard has been dispatched to protect all major US airports in the wake of the September 11th terrorist attacks. I hope their mere presence prevents any further tragedy - but of course this time they won’t be up against students and anti-war protesters....Perhaps what’s required is guardian angels - not the TV religious variety - I mean those NYC street guardians with the berets. Bring those folks back and then see how terrorists like being "touched by an angel."

SOMETHING’S GROWING IN GARDEN CITY...In light of the terrorist attacks, the metro Detroit community of Garden City was understandably alarmed after three cases of bacterial meningitis were reported among its residents. To alleviate public concern an informational meeting was held in the local high school auditorium. Which was about the time health authorities should have "informed" everyone the facility was being placed under quarantine...."Thank you for attending, we now have a brief announcement..."