Video Dork
Project Grizzly
By Michael Orion Krueger

I would not like to be a big Jacques Costeau, just a little Jacques Costeau. I would like to be able to go anywhere in the world I want and be able to do research anywhere I want. --Troy Hurtubiseexpedition leader, Project Grizzly

Lately it seems that fiction fails to give the herd the proper escape from the miserable, pathetic and incredibly boring reality otherwise know as their daily life. Consequently, the only way for the masses to feel remotely good about their undeserved existence on this already overcrowded planet is to view the reality of those less fortunate than them. A prime example would be my parents sitting in front of the television watching Cops every Friday night. Back when I was forced to live in their house I often wondered who was sadder: the man who was just arrested for buying crack on national television or my parents who were stuffing their faces with low-fat Twinkies. At least the crack-head was getting some fresh air. Like it or not we all find it necessary to laugh at certain people that we deem "worse off" than ourselves, which probably explains why most people burst into fits of laughter every time I walk past. Nonetheless, even a person of my shoddy social stature can make fun of stupid-idiot Canadians. Therefore, I will now inform you about Project Grizzly , a documentary about a man named Troy Hurtubise who spent $150,000 colorful Canadian dollars and seven years of his life creating the Ursus Mark VI--a bear-proof suit designed for the study of the "Old Man" (Albertan slang for the Grizzly Bear).

I must admit that the suit itself is a handsome piece of work. Weighing in at a cool 147 lbs., the UMVI is composed of six layers of rubber, titanium, chainmail and jet plastic replete with an internal airbag system to ensure Troy’s safety and comfort. It stands 7’2" and is fire-retardant just in case the bears decide to come at Troy with flame-throwers. Perhaps the best feature is the airplane-style black box recording device mounted next to the headpiece to ensure that in the event of a tragedy, Troy’s son will have his father’s last screams of pain and anguish recorded for posterity. The only questionable aspect of the design is the UMVI logo itself, which appears to be drawn onto the chest with a magic marker. Even white-trash royalty must stay true to their roots (Troy Hurtubise is technically Native American, but I am merely referring to the cultural aspects "white-trash" which can apply to anyone really).

Throughout the video the UMVI suit is subjected to a ferocious series of tests to ensure that it can withstand the hurricane-like attack of Ursus arctos horribilis. In order to prove that the outer shell of the suit can withstand a grizzly’s razor sharp 6" claws, it was bombarded with several arrows as well as a blast from a shotgun. To emulate the grizzly’s terrible pounce, the UMVI was brutally smashed with suspended logs and even hit head-on by a pick-up traveling at 50 km/hr. There is even a scene in which Troy gets into the suit at a bar and lets a bunch of bikers hit him with baseball bats. I think this was to simulate a multiple bear assault.

The saddest part of the entire documentary was the expedition itself, which is perhaps the most pathetic display of machismo ever captured on film. Imagine Troy, and at least five of his friends, taking an extended weekend in the woods so they can show off their hunting gear and shave with 6" bowie knives. Quite similar to The Blair Witch Project , the men become progressively pissed-off as they fail to find an actual grizzly. On the last day they finally manage to locate a bear about a mile away, but the UMVI proved too cumbersome to actually catch up with it. In fact, I would estimate that the awkward leg construction would only allow Troy to walk about half a mile per hour, but bear in mind (hee hee) that I am merely a layman in regards to gauging such things.

Overall, I would cite Project Grizzly as further proof of Canada’s cultural inferiority. It is abundantly obvious that Troy Hurtubise wants to be Ted Nugent, but lacks the unrelenting genius of himself. Sure, Troy can spend thousands of dollars on the Ursus Mark VI, but will that ever compare with the riotously romantic state known as "Wango Tango"? Go back to Canada and take Alanis Morissette with you. The Nuge can kill grizzlies with his bare hands.