Episode 21 BOFH 2002: Episode 21

In these days of backward masked cookies, electromagnetic thought-induction from Plasma displays and TV footage of Bill Gates getting hit in the face with a pie, none of us are safe. The subtle seduction of your subconscious (try saying THAT fast, ten times when you've had 4 pints and you'll know how hard it is to type) is happening every day. Without your knowledge.

Just how geeky have you become? Sure, you say you're connected with the real world, but what proof have you got that you're not turning into a closet case furry tooth with full on pocket protector, thick rimmed glasses, and even worse, an autographed photo of Bill Gates by your bedside? Take this simple household test to see how you may have drifted in your thinking, and whether it's too late to save yourself and those around you...

1. The only interview method to be universally outlawed by the Geneva Convention is:

A. Physical Torture
B. Solitary Confinement
C. Forcing the Subject to drive a Trabant for a week
D. Forcing the Subject to use OS2 for a day. (which feels like eternity)

2. You're locked in a room with Richard Stallman and Bill Gates and have only a gun with two bullets in it (which you normally secrete on your person in case you ever get locked in a room with Richard Stallman, Bill Gates, etc). They both clear their throats to speak. What do you do?

A. Shoot Bill, hoping he hasn't got a tablet device (or the XP Security Vulnerability notes) crammed up his blazer
B. Shoot Richard, hoping he hasn't got the notes for his speech in front of his heart
C. Shoot Richard AND Bill and take your chances
D. Shoot yourself, twice, for getting into such a contrived situation

3. You meet someone nice at the pub and immediately ask them to tell you:

A. Their Star Sign
B. Their Phone Number
C. Their Name
D. Their IRC Handle
E. Whether they prefer RD or DDR in performance applications?

4. Speaking of IRC Handles, your handle is based around:

A. Your name and a number
B. Your nickname and a number
C. A mannerism or pastime and a number
D. A physical attribute of yours that you claim is over a foot long. i.e. A leg
E. D,and it's not your leg. I.e. Arm
F. E, and it's not your Arm
G. Nor your torso, your large or small intestine, your veins or artieries...

5. A new machine arrives at work and is delivered to the recipients office before you can get a good look at it. You:

A. Ignore it as you're bound to see another one sometime
B. Try to catch a glimpse of it through the doorway
C. Offer to help the recipient unpack it, then takeover as soon as they agree
D. FAKE A SEIZURE outside the office just so they'll give you a couple of minutes alone with the box when you say you need to catch your breath.

6. The LEAST believable thing about the movie THE NET was:

A. That they could trace a cellphone that accurately
B. That a woman could make a short phone call in the first place
C. That anyone who cut themselves off from the rest of the world wouldn't have installed a dual head espresso machine beforehand
D. That a techo would be using a Macintosh.

7. Your email is going to be down for two days while the server is replaced so you:

A. Bulkmail everyone in your entire address book warning them about it in case they choose those day to email you
B. Change ISP
C. Arrange for clinical sedation and hospitalisation to get you through
D. Use it as an opportunity to do all those things you never have time for normally, I.e. Talk to the wife and kids, eat, wash, etc.

8. Your favourite joke ends:

A. "..have you got any paper?"
B. "Don't call me wooden eye..."
C. "If I could walk like that I wouldn't need talcum powder"
D. "And the Salesman said, IT'S WINDOWS 2000 SP1 you asked for, which doesn't HAVE that vulnerability, WA! HA! HA! HA!"

9. Inside your wallet, in front of the condom that expired three years after you bought it (which in turn was three years before now), you have a picture of:

A. Yourself, in case you ever need ID
B. Your Mum and Dad
C. Your girlfriend - well, the woman from the underwear Ad that you WISH was your girlfriend
D. A fully configured quad processor box with 4 Gigs of DDR Ram, a terabyte of HD and top of the line graphics card.

10. Some ridiculously contrived situation occurs in which you're dying - or something - and you have to give your last words. No, bugger it, you have to give the epitaph for your tombstone. Don't ask why, it's my bloody questionnaire! What is your epitaph?

A. "Live long and Prosper"
B. "He was a good bloke really"
C. "Press Return to Continue"
D. The entire Microsoft Site Licence Agreement documentation, including subclauses and appendices - because people like Stonemasons who work with Analogue media have it coming

11. You're doing a questionnaire about how geeky you are, when you finally realise:

A. It's Lunchtime
B. It's Hometime
C. It's Day Time
D. There are no answers, but getting this far must be a warning sign in and of itself..... ®

• BOFH: The whole shebang
• 
  
• The Compleat BOFH Archives 95-99
  
• BOFH Merchandise

BOFH is copyright © 1995-2002, Simon Travaglia. Don't mess with his rights.