CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
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The Hell Is Going On?
INSIDE YOUR CUBICLE-- Ergonomic experts have been extolling the benefits of proper lighting for years, suggesting that traditional flourescent lights be replaced with a more natural "daylight spectrum" variety, or even old-fashioned incandescent lights. Recent research has focused on a previously ignored facet of the fluorescent tube--it may be draining the life out of you!
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Flourescent lightbulbs contain mercury vapour, along with other nefarious gases we know little about. An electric current driven through the tube causes the mercury atoms to emit light--invisible ultraviolet light!
"In theory this ultraviolet light never leaves the bulb," says lighting alchemist Karl von Skall, "but independent research, in my lab and others, clearly demonstrates that this extra-purply light absorbs particles in the surrounding air, including that of human energy--what some may refer to as the human soul."
Von Skall is suggesting that the bulbs themselves may not be just a light delivery mechanism, but rather a more sinister, soul-storing device.
An early example of the powers of the fluorescent was during the 1970's, when the dangerous "black-light" bulb was introduced. At that time teenagers around the world were adorning their rooms with psychodelic black-light posters. While many believed that the posters had hallucinogenic properties, it was indeed the bulbs themselves that were responsible for inducing bizarre behaviours on those innocent teens. The black-light fluorescent tubes were subsequently banned.
"My evidence suggests that fluorescent bulbs erase the human shadows (fluorescent bulbs give off no shadow!), preparing a path for an as-yet undiscovered particle. This Chthonic Particle, as I call it, is constantly bombarding us as we sit below the flourescent tube, gradually wearing away our auras, while all the while stealing our souls, and replacing them with their own mindless automata."
There's an easy way to demonstrate the soul-stealing effects; just run your hand along a bulb that isn't powering up. If you have spent enough time under flourescent lighting you will be able to at least partially light up the tube.
Von Skall thinks believes that eye-strain and fatigue that people always complain about when working under flourescent lights is also evidence.
"Clearly, soul particles are leaving through the pupil," says von Skall. "This strains the iris and causes fatigue. Science hasn't put two and two together, and yet it is right before our eyes!"
The most dangerous time for humans is just before the bulbs flicker and burn out. The mercury vapour is heavily charged with these human auras and souls, which may cause a logarithmic need for even more. Von Skall has collected anecdotal evidence of Extra Purple light travelling as far as the washroom, suggesting that the Chthonic Particles are not far behind in their search for human soul energy.
Because it
isn't practical to replace all the flourescent bulbs that we may come
in contact with, von Skall recommends wearing a hockey helmet lined with
tin-foil to lessen the impact of the particles they are emitting.
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