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CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
THE CANADIAN SHIELD-- An international agreement hurriedly signed in the 1970's with the United States is giving Canada an upset tummy. Increased American demand for Canadian ginger ale is straining Canada's natural resources, and the new Liberal government, pressured by American market interests, has hastily agreed to continue exporting one of the country's liquid treasures as part of the North American Free Trade Agreement.
"With the major cola juggernauts this agreement made perfect sense when it was signed," said Pierre Gingembre, Canadian Minister of Lagers, Soft Drinks, & Confections. "The plan was to allow secondary carbonated sugary beverages greater access to international markets. In that sense, it's worked very well. Perhaps too well." With an increased interest in natural, healthy alternatives to caramel-based colas, soft-drink drinkers are turning to carbohydrate-reduced products such as Canadian ginger ale. Demand from both Canadians and Americans has increased by over 300% during the last three decades. And unfortunately, an escalator clause in the agreement forces Canada to sell as much of the refreshing soda as they are able--and Canada is unable to cut supplies to protect domestic sales. American officials are quick to point out that the agreement does allow Canadians to import as much RC Cola as they need, although it would be too cruel to enforce that clause. Nationalists believe the effervescent springs are a precious resource that must be protected, and that the taps to the Yanks should be turned off, bottling up the American supply. "Let's keep Canada for Canadians," said Alice Walleye, an advocate for dumping the 1973 treaty. "Pumping this bubbly natural treasure South to American bottlers means less Canadian ginger ale for Canadians. Our heritage is at stake. This blatant sell-out by the Canadian government leaves a bitter taste in the mouths of all Canadians, that not even a refreshing ginger ale can wash away. Although that bitterness could be from drinking Fresca." The ginger ale springs form from the endless kilometres of ginger veins in the Canadian Shield in Northern Ontario and Western Quebec. Highly mineralized waters react with ginger-rich streams and pressurize and carbonate to form ginger ale naturally. Before the springs were realized, most of the ginger ale was schwepped into the Atlantic Ocean. Not dissimilar to the cola fields of Cenral Africa, where refreshing Coke and Pepsi are created, ginger ale remains one of the world's only natural soda beverages. Known for their restorative and rejuvenating qualities, the ginger ale springs were once considered to be the true fountains of youth. But despite the claims, all the early explorers, trappers, and voyageurs found was gastronomic relief, and more than a few bubbles up their noses. Prime Minister Mackenzie King proclaimed ginger ale as Canada's national beverage in 1936, and exporting was restricted until 1966, at the beginning of the American cola wars. The 1973 Ginger Ale Export Agreement was an attempt by the Trudeau government to prevent foreign companies from buying up all the controlling interests in the springs. Since then Canadian ownership of the known springs remains at 58%, but the agreement forces exports to rise with American demand. Most springs have been capped and spigoted, and only a few open springs remain in their original pristine condition. Americans have a long history of trying to get a controlling interest in our ginger ale springs. The Monroe Doctrine of 1823 had an appendix (B) that attempted to claim the entire Canadian Shield as belonging "naturally" to America, but ran into a snag because of the word "Canadian" in the name. There was also a brief skirmish along the Manitoba/North Dakota border in the 1920s, but it was small-time news compared to the headline-grabbing stories of prohibition. In the meantime, bottled-up emotions over the export of Canadian ginger ale to the Americans are spilling over. In an attempt to capitalize on the "ginger" interest several brewers are experimenting with ginger lagers and considering promoting the use of 7-Up as a substitute to blend with Canadian rye whiskey. Our effervescent springs are a precious resource that must be protected. Pumping this natural treasure south to american bottlers will only diminish and reduce the unique qualities of our tasty Canadian resource.
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