If the Passover Story Were Reported
by The New York Times or CNN
by Daniel P. Waxman
The cycle of violence between the Jews
and the Egyptians continues with no end in sight in
Egypt. After eight previous plagues that have destroyed
the Egyptian infrastructure and disrupted the lives
of ordinary Egyptian citizens, the Jews launched a new
offensive this week in the form of the plague of darkness.
Western journalists were particularly
enraged by this plague. "It is simply impossible
to report when you can't see an inch in front of you,"
complained a frustrated Andrea Koppel of CNN. "I
have heard from my reliable Egyptian contacts that in
the midst of the blanket of blackness, the Jews were
annihilating thousands of Egyptians. Their word is solid
enough evidence for me."
While the Jews contend that the plagues
are justified given the harsh slavery imposed upon them
by the Egyptians, Pharaoh, the Egyptian leader, rebuts
this claim. "If only the plagues would let up,
there would be no slavery. We just want to live plague-free.
It is the right of every society."
Saeb Erekat, an Egyptian spokesperson,
complains that slavery is justifiable given the Jews'
superior weaponry supplied to them by the superpower
G-d. The Europeans are particularly enraged by the latest
Jewish offensive.
"The Jewish aggression must cease
if there is to be peace in the region. The Jews should
go back to slavery for the good of the rest of the world,"
stated an angry French President Jacques Chirac.
Even several Jews agree. Adam Shapiro,
a Jew, has barricaded himself within Pharaoh's chambers
to protect Pharaoh from what is feared will be the next
plague, the death of the firstborn. Mr. Shapiro claims
that while slavery is not necessarily a good thing,
it is the product of the plagues and when the plagues
end, so will the slavery. "The Jews have gone too
far with plagues such as locusts and epidemic which
have virtually destroyed the Egyptian economy,"
Mr. Shapiro laments. "The Egyptians are really
a very nice people and Pharaoh is kind of huggable once
you get to know him," gushes Shapiro.
The United States is demanding that Moses
and Aaron, the Jewish leaders, continue to negotiate
with Pharaoh. While Moses points out that Pharaoh had
made promise after promise to free the Jewish people
only to immediately break them and thereafter impose
harsher and harsher slavery, Richard Boucher of the
State Department assails the latest offensive. "Pharaoh
is not in complete control of the taskmasters,"
Mr. Boucher states. "The Jews must return to the
negotiating table and will accomplish nothing through
these plagues."
The latest round of violence comes in
the face of a bold new Saudi peace overture. If only
the Jews will give up their language, change their names
to Egyptian names and cease having male children, the
Arab nations will incline toward peace with them, Saudi
Crown Prince Abdullah declared.
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